The Blame Game

If you follow my blog then you know I get a lot of my ideas for posts off of the morning radio show’s.  Well today is no different then any other.  This morning the DJ’s on the Kane Show on Hot 99.5 FM were discussing who is to blame if a man cheats on his wife.  Is the man to blame 100% or is the other woman to blame some too?  I really found their individual opinions on this subject interesting.  They all made great points so it got me to thinking about it myself.  Who is to blame.  I am going to give you my perspective on this topic then I welcome your own thoughts.

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It used to be at one time in my life I was a stay at home mommy.  This is when I learned that there is absolutely NOTHING worth watching on daytime TV for adults.  The cartoon’s my son watched were more interesting and intellectual then the crap on, but I’ll admit it… I watched a few of them.  Yes, I’m hanging my head in shame..I watched Jerry Springer, Maury and Guiding Light… Okay I’m not ashamed of Guiding Light!  I grew up watching it because my mother watched it on her lunch hour.  She and her mother listened to it on the radio when it first started so I always felt I dunno, closer to my mom by watching it.  The other two however, yeah there’s some shame there.  Side note though, Jerry has a new show on the ID Network!!!!!  You know I’m going to watch it because a) I’ve already admitted I watched his show before and b) I’m totally addicted to the ID Network.  Anywho… when I would watch these shows and it would be proven that the man cheated on the woman, 99.9999% of the time the woman would go after the side chick!  I would always sit there thinking.. what the hell man… she isn’t the only one to blame, the man is.. go beat your man’s ass.. or better yet.. let her have him and walk away with your head held high!  But alas, they never would.  They’d fight the girl, pull her hair, rip her shirt.. it was good tabloid TV.  The man would be sitting over there letting them go at it because he knew if he opened his mouth they’d both go off on him.

Now this morning Kane was saying he thought the man was 100% to blame.  That for him, when he married his wife and put that ring on his finger it meant that there would never be another for him.  That the ring signified a fence around him that no other woman should be able to get through and that it was entirely up to him to make sure that fence was kept strong and sturdy.  Which I completely agreed with.  He said that if he did ever step out on his wife (but he would never do that) that it would be 100% his fault regardless because he let it happen.  Dani however said that while she agreed with it she didn’t think it was always the man’s fault.  She said that if a women didn’t know that he was married then yes it was his fault.  If she didn’t know and then found out later but kept it going, then she was to blame too.  And of course, if she knew and went after him it was just as much her fault as his.  Kane disagreed and said that no, if she knew he was it was still the man’s fault because he allowed it to happen.  It was a very interesting debate/conversation.  It got me to thinking, really who is to blame if someone cheats?

I will admit that I have been both, the other woman and the cheated on woman.  Both places are dark and suck and just really do a lot of damage.  When I married my first husband I was totally faithful to him for the almost 3 yrs we were together.  I craved his love, and never got it.  What I got was him chasing anything with a vagina, him drunk and abusive, him stoned and abusive..but never his love.  A few months after we were married I sunk to a really low place, that’s when (we’ll call him Jake) Jake stepped into my life.  He was older, nice body, a cop and you know how I do love the uniformed men…He was everything I had always wanted in a man.. successful, good looking, very attentive, charismatic, funny…  I could keep going on but I won’t.  Well he started showing me attention, something I wasn’t getting at home.  At first I just thought he was a friendly older person who was just trying to offer me sound advice and just be there for me.  Then the flirting started.. and I kept thinking there was no way he was interested in me.. I was fat and repulsive (according to my ex husband) and that no man would want me so there was no way possible this man did.  Plus I knew he was married because he wore a ring and because his wife used to stop in the store I worked at all the time so there was just no way he wanted me sexually.  Things at home became increasingly harsh making me dive deeper into the self loathing pool of insecurities so I in turn desperately clung to the “attention” this man showed me.  One night on the graveyard shift he was in like he normally came in to the store around 3 am, after the bars had closed and most of the town was asleep for the night, and hung out with me.  He’d get his free coffee and donuts or hot dogs or whatever (store policy was we never charged the police/fire/paramedics) who came in for their coffee and stuff.  That particular night was dead, he was the only officer on that side of town and there was just no one else around.  I had stepped into the back room to start stocking the coolers for the day crew when he followed me back there talking.  This was nothing new, he’d done it a thousand times before so it wasn’t out of character for him.  I turned to say something when he grabbed my face.. whispered something very ummm.. erotic in my ear and kissed me…That was the beginning of the end for me. I crossed the line.  I knew he was married but I didn’t care.  I needed that attention and he was giving it to me freely.  So who was to blame here?  Was he to blame, since he was the married man (and oh yeah I was married to but by this point the marriage was over.. I just hadn’t admitted it yet and left.  That came a couple of months later) and he actively pursued me?  He even made the first move by saying what he did and kissing me like he did.  Or was I to blame?  I knew he was married, and I let him kiss me.  I then agreed to meet up with him a couple of nights later, when we were both off of work.  I knew what was going to happen and I didn’t care.  I had no concern for his wife or his kids.  The only concern I had was that my own husband not find out because even though he didn’t want me he had made it clear that no other man was allowed to want me either, or I’d wear a bruise or two to remember that.

At the time I stood by the thought that this was all on him.  If he was going to cheat on his wife there was nothing I could do about it.. and of course he did.  I wasn’t his first side chick and I damn sure wasn’t his last.  Why was I to blame for someone stepping out on their spouse?  If she had a problem with it she needed to take it up with him, not me.  I still believe he was at fault, however since I have grown up and been through so much more, I know now that I was partially to blame myself.  He was more to blame but still, I could have said no.

So whose fault is it?  If someone cheats in a relationship, is it their fault for cheating?  What if someone actively chases them knowing they are married?  Is it still their fault for cheating, or does the blame then get shifted to both parties?  What if someone enters into a relationship not knowing the other person is married, and doesn’t find out for months or even years?  Are they to blame, or do they only accept blame if they chose not to stop it after finding out?

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Reasons a Man Cheats!

My loving husband wrote a blog about women cheating, so I thought “Hey.. I’ll write my own blog on why men can be dogs and cheat on women”.. Now I have my own thoughts on why and I’ll go over them but I figured I’d back my own thoughts up with survey’s conducted.  Here is one of the survey’s I looked at.

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_60/82_dating_list.html

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Now, number 6 on their list is Not getting any at home.  I will completely agree with this.  I’ve known women who just weren’t into sex at all in any way shape of form other then trying to conceive, and once they did.. that was it! They didn’t want it again until they wanted to have another baby.  Their poor spouses were just so frustrated they didn’t know what to do so they strayed.  In this particular case I will say I don’t blame them at all.  No sex isn’t the most important thing but it is important, especially if you have any kind of a sex drive.  My husband was married to a woman who never wanted sex, in fact she even told him that she only had sex with him because it was “her wifely duty”.  For her sex was not needed nor wanted, and she was happy to perform her wifely duty about once every 3 months or so.  Who wants to have sex with anyone that is only doing it because it’s their duty?  No one!  In my husbands case however, he did not stray.. instead he asked for a divorce and then found someone who wanted it more then once a quarter year!  When you have someone at home who isn’t interested in satisfying your most basic of needs then you start to doubt a lot of things about yourself, which sends you looking for that approval and need in someone else.  Is it an excuse to cheat, no.. but for me personally.. I understand it.

Number 5 is, She cheated on you.  Ahhh revenge sex.. how sweet it is!  Oh yeah, I’m guilty.. been there, done that!  Any man who has a woman cheat on him suddenly has that pride issue.  Before he even asks why or looks at the entire situation to see if he is at fault in any way he’ll think about his “manhood“… and once that manhood has been questioned then he immediately needs to go and prove that his junk is fantastic and that she was just a crazy whore and that’s why she cheated on him.  It won’t be until some time later after his testosterone levels have dropped and his pride has healed some will he look at the entire picture and see that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t what he thought it was about.  Hopefully he will learn from the entire situation, but chances are he will not.  Now do I think revenge sex is excusable like the #6 is, no.. not at all.  Like I said, I’m guilty of this myself and I know that when you act in haste, then it’s your own fault on the consequences and sometimes things can never be repaired once you cross that line.

Number 4, You want to know you still got “it”… Well umm.. screw you!  If you cheat on your spouse just to prove you still got it.. your a dog.. your lower then a dog.. your an amoeba on a flea on a dogs ass!  If you have a woman at home who loves you, is there for you, desires your touch and does what she can to satisfy your needs and you go put your dick in some other woman just to prove you can.. then you deserve all the hell that will come your way!  I hope she gets the house, the car, the alimony, your bronzed balls on her mantel.. the whole nine yards.  This is no reason, no excuse.. you suck if you do this.

Number 3, You couldn’t say no.  Well now.. unless she has slipped you a Viagra Roofie, has duct taped your naked ass to a bed or weight bench or something making your erection and easy place for her to sit down on.. has your mouth stuffed with a ball gag and has her way with you completely and totally against your will, which btw is rape… then you can always say no!  The truth is if you have sex with someone and then try to tell yourself and your spouse that you just couldn’t say no.. it’s because you didnt’ want to say no!  You wanted their touch, their taste… you desired it.  You liked the excitement and rush that came from it.  So yeah, guys.. never ever tell your woman “I just couldn’t tell her no” because what your saying to her is this other woman can control you in every aspect and that your too weak to fight it.. that will burrow into her head and she will forever think this other woman can have you at any time no matter what…

Number 2, She disgust you.. WOW.. this one really truly hit home for me… In my first marriage I was fat.. hell I was fat in the second and beginning of the 3rd too.. but in my first marriage my ex husband (who asked me to marry him when I was fat, then married me when I was fat so nothing changed) used to tell me all the time.. “Your fat and disgusting and no man will ever love you!”.. then he fucked anything that moved.. or just had a pulse.  Do you have any idea of what this did to me?  Lord, I reeled from this for years.. decades!  I still hear those words in my head and I’m down to 160 lbs now!  I still see that fat repulsive woman that no man will ever love.  If your spouse has gained weight the absolute WORST thing you can do is point it out!  If you want them to lose weight then you need to motivate them into it.  Don’t fight them over it, don’t tell them they are fat.. don’t’ ask stupid fucking questions like “Do you really need that piece of cake?”… those things just make them turn to food even more.  There is something going on in their own psyche and you need to get to that to help them.  But remember.. you can’t help them if they don’t want to help themselves.  Try getting them to do things with you, like taking daily walks or hikes.  Maybe buy bikes and go for a ride every day.  Start helping with the cooking ESPECIALLY if they are the one’s who normally do all the cooking, this way you can do healthier choices like grilled chicken, or fish and fresh vegetables.  If they ask why when you start doing these things, don’t lie but be NICE.  Tell them, I am worried about your health or I’m wanting to drop a few pounds myself and I thought this would be a good way to do it.  NEVER EVER EVER TELL THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE FAT.. if you do.. you’ve just damaged your relationship to a point it will never be truly healed from it.

And Number 1 is..You don’t love her anymore.  When my husband and I first started talking, AS FRIENDS.. he confided in me that he was so very unhappy in his marriage and didn’t love her anymore.  I gave him some advice that I will give anyone in the same situation… DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO FIX THE PROBLEM!  If you find that you aren’t “in love” anymore.. then start dating your spouse again.  Don’t try to create a “do over”.. do something different because obviously what you did the first time didn’t work forever now did it?  Date her, try concentrating on her happiness just as much as yours.  If the spouse isn’t happy.. then you’ll not be able to be happy either!  Marriage isn’t a 50/50 thing.. it’s a 100% thing as in you have to put in 100% or it’s not going to work.  If you both agree to therapy, try it.. but put in 100%.. don’t go in expecting the therapist to tell her it’s all her fault or vice versa so you can feel vindicated.  If you’ve done all of this and I mean you’ve actually put in time.. not a week or two but real time and effort and it’s not helped, then it’s time to cut the ties that bind.  Yeah, divorce can be expensive but in the long run it’s worth it.  Life is to short to live with someone that you don’t love and find that you can’t love anymore.  If you stay “for the kids” well guess what.. kids are smart and they see it.  They see how unhappy everyone is and they grow up to think this is how a relationship should be.  Is that how you want your daughter to live?  With a man who doesn’t love her?  How about your son?  Do you want him stuck with someone who makes him feel alone?  Nope, don’t think so.  MAN UP.. and walk away.. but don’t walk away leaving her completely alone.. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE KIDS WITH HER.. just because it didn’t work out with you two doesn’t mean the kids should suffer!

Now there are so many other reasons a man will cheat.. but I think this list is a) long enough and b) pretty spot on.

 

Lacy’s Journal

Omg.. this is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.  I don’t know what to do or think.  Jenna brought the kids home yesterday.  I told them that their father and I needed some time apart and that he would be talking to them soon.  I emailed Craig and told him do not call me or try to talk to me until I was ready to talk to him.  I told him he would be the one to tell his kids that he fucked another woman and fathered another child, that he would explain it and answer their questions.  I told him I didn’t give a damn where the hell he was staying, I didn’t want to know anything.  I also told him that he could come get the kids for a visit this weekend if he wanted them, that no matter how hurt and angry I was at him I didn’t want him to be out of their lives.  He replied he understood and that he will wait forever if that’s how long it takes for me to talk to him again.  He signed it “I’m so very sorry”.

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Jackson has texted and called a thousand times.  I just can’t talk to him.  How do I talk to him about how heartbroken I am that I now know my marriage is over?  That I didn’t want it to end.. I wanted Craig to step up, be the man I needed and wanted.. the man he use to be.  How do I live without him?  He’s been my other half for almost 2 decades.  Could I ever forgive him enough to let him back into my life?  Could I accept his bastard son?  No.. I don’t think I can… here comes the tears again.  Can you die from a broken heart?  It feels like I’m dying.  I wish my mother was still alive… I just want to crawl up into her arms and hear her say it will all be okay.  How could he do this to me?  To us?  I begged him for months to tell me what was going on, why he was being so different.  I knew something was wrong.. why.. why.. why did he not tell me.. why did he cut me out of his life.. what did I do?  I hate my life…

Jackson is texting again.  Why can’t he leave me alone for a little while?  I just can’t talk to him.. I just want to die… I’m going to bed now.  Brianna will put the younger one’s to bed.. Sleep is my only friend now..

Lacy’s Journal

Wow… so it’s been a few days since I’ve been able to write.  So much has gone on, it’s been crazy.  Brianna had her cheer competition last weekend.  She did great, they came in 3rd in the state which is awesome.  Derrick is miserable with the cast on his leg, although he does love the Xbox time he’s gotten, he’s ready to play outside again.  He’s not an “indoor” kid.   Sugar bug started soccer so she’s happy.

Craig has been more attentive but he’s still not helping around the house at all.  He still come’s home and plops down in front of the computer or the TV with his drink and that’s all he does.  We’ve been fighting a lot, I think maybe that’s why he’s trying to be “attentive”.. but it feels forced to me.  I dunno….  We went to Target last Sunday to pick up a few things and he wanted to go look at the XBox games, I guess there’s some new Black Ops something or other out that he wants, so he can “Kill Zombies“.. ugh..anyways he went to the gaming department and I went to the shoe department.  They have the most ridiculous shoe’s now.. but they are pretty.. but seriously, who wears them things?  They are like 10 inch heels with 3 inch platforms.. I decided to try a pair on to be silly and when I had them on and was trying desperately to just stand without killing myself I heard my name called.  I turned to see Jackson standing there.. of course I fell!!!!!  OMG.. so embarrassing.  He helped me up and all I could do was laugh like an idiot!!!!  It’s at those moments you wish you could just be absorbed into the carpet.  After I assured him I was really okay, just feeling like an idiot we started chatting.  He told me that he took a part time security job at the bank in the building where I work!  YAY I GET TO SEE HIM ALL THE TIME NOW!!  He said he didn’t have a wife or even a girl friend and didn’t like sitting around doing nothing on his days off so he figured he’d just work.  I never even noticed Craig walking up when he did.  He asked who Jackson was and I told him.. “Oh.. he’s the security guard at the building where I work”… its not a total lie.  Jackson shook his hand and told him it was nice to meet him.. after he left Craig started laughing and saying that I should be “ashamed” of myself for flirting with that kid… I told him I wasn’t flirting.. that I fell in those stupid shoe’s and he helped me up.. that was all.  “Uh huh” is all I got. then he said “well the way he was looking at you.. he’s not seeing you like a mom figure.. that’s for sure”…. and of course for the rest of the day every time I said anything I got.. “Well go tell your boyfriend”…  sometimes he can be such an ass….

I love Craig.. I wish he wouldn’t just ignore me then make me feel guilty if I even think of someone else… speaking of which.. did Jackson really look at me like that????   No… Craig’s crazy.  I’m telling you.. I’m too old for him to be attracted too.  Hell, my own husband doesn’t want to have sex with me hardly anymore.. how would this hottie want too?  Why would he want too?

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Lacy’s Journal

I am so glad I decided to dress up today.. I just had this feeling.  Yeah.. normally I throw on a little make up and go but today.. I got dressed up and guess what??? I saw him!  I stopped at my normal coffee spot before work and he was there… and in uniform… oh.. he looks so good in that uniform.  I literally get butterflies when I see him.. I feel like a giddy teenager… of course then reality hits me, like this morning.  Jackson came over and told me good morning and as soon as we started chatting about how random it was to run into each other there.. my freaking phone went off.  It was Craig wanting to know where Brianna’s phone was because she couldn’t find it.. Why the hell would I know? Its not my phone, it’s hers.. my guess is it’s in her room on silent.. go look for it.    I hang up and try to resume my conversation with hottie cop and BAM.. my phone goes off again.  Jackson just smiled politely and said he hoped to see me again and wished me a good day… he’s so cute..

What am I doing??? I’m an old married woman.. I need to just realize that he’s only being nice to the middle aged woman and stop acting like a giddy little girl…

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Lacy’s Journal

WHAT THE HELL!!!  I swear to God they are trying to drive me crazy.  Brianna decided that she needed a new dress for the date she was going to go out on.. so I took her shopping and everything was too ugly, too long, too boring!  She finally found one but it was $124… for a dress??? Not a gown, a friggin dress!  I refused to buy it for her and now she’s pissed off at me.  Well too bad baby girl, you weren’t born into a rich family.  I don’t even own a dress that costs that much, hell my wedding dress didn’t cost that much.   Then Derrick decided to break his leg playing basketball with his friends, ugh that was a fortune.  Little bit wants to do dance, soccer and gymnastics… UUUGGGHHH.. there isn’t enough time for me to do it all and Craig is still just all about him!  I asked him the other night if he wanted to help me do the dishes so we could just talk for awhile since we never see each other.  He said.. “no.. I have other stuff to do” and when I got done cleaning the kitchen I came out to find him passed out on the couch!!!!!  So he’d rather sleep then talk to me.  I tried to start sex with him last week, I put on my sexy black nightie and heels, did my make up and came into the room.  I got.. “Wow.. you look nice baby..” then a kiss on the cheek as he turned over to get his book.  So I went back to the bathroom.. washed my face, got my vibrator and got myself off.  Fuck it.  Fuck it all…

 

On a different note… the girls and I from work went out to lunch last Wednesday and hottie cop was there!  He smiled at me and then to my surprise he came up to me.  His name is Jackson.  He said I looked really familiar and wandered where he knew me from.  I didn’t want to sound desperate and go “Omg.. you were at my work and I saw you and ….”… so I just smiled and said.. “I do huh?”… he smiled so sweetly, he’s got a perfect smile.  Those eyes.. I could just swim in them.  I was actually a little wet after he left.  Oh what am I doing?  He’s not interested in me… and if he was.. .why would he be?  Okay.. I’m not bad.. but he’s so much younger then me!  Maybe he just wants a friend.. yeah, that has to be it.. he looks at me as a “motherly” type.  He said “I hope to see you again” when he walked out.  I find myself looking everywhere now for him.. just a glimpse.  I feel like a school girl again, and honestly… this is the excitement of my life… how sad is that?

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