The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

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Lacy’s Journal

Well the last night on the Island was amazing.. simply amazing.. we spent the entire night wrapped in each others arms, making love and exploring each other completely.  It felt so perfect.. I never wanted it to end.  We got up and out of bed the next morning and went for one last swim before we had to get washed up and ready to fly home.. home.. it should be a comforting thought but for me it felt like some place I never wanted to go to again.. I didn’t know why I felt like that or even understood why I felt like that.. until I got home…For all good things must come to an end…that’s the thought that kept running through my head.

We flew home Sunday and I told Jackson I’d see him Monday and kissed him goodbye.  I had to get home to my kids, I missed them terribly.. and I had to tell Craig that one of us was going to have to move out.. I wasn’t expecting to see what I saw.

When I was driving through town on my way home I noticed Craig walking down the street with a woman I recognized from his work.  So of course I pulled over and watched them.. then what I saw just knocked the wind out of me.. she was pushing a stroller and when they stopped Craig took a small infant out of the stroller and hugged and kissed it and laid it on his shoulder.  I grabbed my phone and started snapping pictures.. the anger filling me up.. I knew it all in my heart.. even before he told me later.. I just sat there, in my car watching him with her.. his arm around her, kissing her cheek.. kissing the baby.. I watched this family out in public.. in the city we lived in..

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I texted him from my car and told him I was on my way home and would see him in about 30 minutes.  I watched him answer his phone and read his lying reply.. Okay.. see you when you get here.. I love you.. LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!  How could he.. I raced home and told Brianna to take her siblings and go to the neighbors house and stay there until I called her.  She started to argue with me until she saw the tears in my eyes.

Craig got home about 5 minutes after the kids left.  He walked in and tried to hug but saw the hurt and anger in my eyes.  I lifted my phone up and showed him the picture.. the color drained from his face, his shoulders sunk and he dropped to the floor and started crying.  I wanted to hit him.. no kill him!  After he stopped crying he told me everything.. he had an affair a YEAR ago.. when everything was fine between us.. well at the start of when it went south.  He said it just kinda happened and that it was only a one time thing.. until he found out she was pregnant.  Then he felt like he had to stay in her life… and then a month and half ago, the night he “fell asleep at work” was the night his son was born… his son.. the words slammed into my chest.. my heart shattered into a million pieces..

Yes I was guilty of having an affair.. but that was after months of being pushed away, left to feel lonely and abandoned.  How dare he.. the anger that has taken over me is just indescribable.  I hated him, to my very core.  I wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole.  I wanted him to burn for ever in the fires of hell.  I wanted to beat the shit out of him.. but my body wouldn’t comply with my mind.  Instead it just sank to the floor in a weeping ball of mush.  My husband of 16  years is the father to a newborn infant son.. that isn’t mine.  Everything I’ve ever known is all wrong now.  How do I tell my kids?  How do I face the community?  Our friends, our family?

He came over and tried to put his arms around me and I exploded.  I started screaming at him to get out.. That’s all I could get out of my mouth.. He went upstairs, packed a couple of bags and told me before he left that he was very sorry.. he wished he could undo it all.. and he’d call to talk to the kids later… he closed the door and my world fell apart with it……….

Jenna came and got the kids for me..I need some time to process it.  She said she’d come back over but I said no.. I need to be alone.  Jackson has texted a dozen times.. but I can’t talk to him either.. I sent my boss an email requesting a medical leave of absence for a few days.. at least a week.. I vaguely explained it in the email.. she replied that was fine and understandable and to call if I needed anything..

What do I do now?????  I just want to die.. I’m going to bed…

 

Lacy’s Journal

I am so glad I decided to dress up today.. I just had this feeling.  Yeah.. normally I throw on a little make up and go but today.. I got dressed up and guess what??? I saw him!  I stopped at my normal coffee spot before work and he was there… and in uniform… oh.. he looks so good in that uniform.  I literally get butterflies when I see him.. I feel like a giddy teenager… of course then reality hits me, like this morning.  Jackson came over and told me good morning and as soon as we started chatting about how random it was to run into each other there.. my freaking phone went off.  It was Craig wanting to know where Brianna’s phone was because she couldn’t find it.. Why the hell would I know? Its not my phone, it’s hers.. my guess is it’s in her room on silent.. go look for it.    I hang up and try to resume my conversation with hottie cop and BAM.. my phone goes off again.  Jackson just smiled politely and said he hoped to see me again and wished me a good day… he’s so cute..

What am I doing??? I’m an old married woman.. I need to just realize that he’s only being nice to the middle aged woman and stop acting like a giddy little girl…

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Lacy’s Journal

WHAT THE HELL!!!  I swear to God they are trying to drive me crazy.  Brianna decided that she needed a new dress for the date she was going to go out on.. so I took her shopping and everything was too ugly, too long, too boring!  She finally found one but it was $124… for a dress??? Not a gown, a friggin dress!  I refused to buy it for her and now she’s pissed off at me.  Well too bad baby girl, you weren’t born into a rich family.  I don’t even own a dress that costs that much, hell my wedding dress didn’t cost that much.   Then Derrick decided to break his leg playing basketball with his friends, ugh that was a fortune.  Little bit wants to do dance, soccer and gymnastics… UUUGGGHHH.. there isn’t enough time for me to do it all and Craig is still just all about him!  I asked him the other night if he wanted to help me do the dishes so we could just talk for awhile since we never see each other.  He said.. “no.. I have other stuff to do” and when I got done cleaning the kitchen I came out to find him passed out on the couch!!!!!  So he’d rather sleep then talk to me.  I tried to start sex with him last week, I put on my sexy black nightie and heels, did my make up and came into the room.  I got.. “Wow.. you look nice baby..” then a kiss on the cheek as he turned over to get his book.  So I went back to the bathroom.. washed my face, got my vibrator and got myself off.  Fuck it.  Fuck it all…

 

On a different note… the girls and I from work went out to lunch last Wednesday and hottie cop was there!  He smiled at me and then to my surprise he came up to me.  His name is Jackson.  He said I looked really familiar and wandered where he knew me from.  I didn’t want to sound desperate and go “Omg.. you were at my work and I saw you and ….”… so I just smiled and said.. “I do huh?”… he smiled so sweetly, he’s got a perfect smile.  Those eyes.. I could just swim in them.  I was actually a little wet after he left.  Oh what am I doing?  He’s not interested in me… and if he was.. .why would he be?  Okay.. I’m not bad.. but he’s so much younger then me!  Maybe he just wants a friend.. yeah, that has to be it.. he looks at me as a “motherly” type.  He said “I hope to see you again” when he walked out.  I find myself looking everywhere now for him.. just a glimpse.  I feel like a school girl again, and honestly… this is the excitement of my life… how sad is that?

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Lacy’s Journal Post 1

Disclaimer (the following journal entries are all fictional, any resemblance to any person famous or otherwise is completely coincidental ).

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Dear Journal,

Well, things at home have been a little hard to say the least.  The kids have been so moody and needy, I just don’t know what to do for them.  They all need to go here, go there, be there at this time, but dropped off away from the building.  They all want money, but none of them want to help out around the house.  I love them dearly, but I could use a little help ya know.  I work full time too, it’s not like I have 24 hours a day to devote to their every need and whim.  Craig has been so distant and unhelpful too.  His job has him working crazy hours and when he gets home hes tired and cranky and doesn’t do anything to help out with the house or kids, and when it’s his weekend off, well that’s his time to do what he wants, which doesn’t include the dishes, the laundry, the grocery shopping… Ugh!  I am so tired of all of them.  I want to run away.

On a different topic, we had some excitement at work today.  Apparently one of the ladies that work in the cubicals in the other office destroyed her husbands lovers car!  From what I heard she dropped her wallet at the scene..oh my God.. she took her purse to the scene of the crime..hahaha.  Well the cops came to arrest her and HELLO HONEY IN A UNIFORM.  He was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, and oh how he wore that uniform just right!  I swear though, I think I caught him checking me out!  ME!  The old middle aged mom of 3 whose been married forever!  I can’t believe it though.. nah.. he really couldn’t have been, could he?  He had the bluest eye’s.. almost like a glacier blue, and tall… easily 6’4.  A rock hard body and tat’s on his arms.  Whew.. it’s getting warm in here just thinking about him!  I think maybe, I’ll go “think” about him in the tub.

Til tomorrow

Lacy

My Wife Has All The Luck ( A guest Blogger)

Tonight I have a special guest blogger.. My husband.. Robert.. aka Radar.  He is trying to help me build my numbers up on WordPress because honestly.. they suck.  I’ve blogged about everything, even Zombies but where he gets well over 500 views a day I’m lucky to get 45.  Well, being the nice guy he is he thought that if he guest blogged here it would up my numbers…. he really does love me!  Enjoy.. and if your not following him already, head on over to his site and check it out…he’s pretty awesome.

 

 

My Wife Has All The Luck

by Robert Nelson @ http://radaronelson.wordpress.com/

I think most people like it when they are noticed.  It’s an ego boost when someone flirts with them.  You may even flirt back.  Does it mean you’re going to bang them later?  Not always, but it does feel good to know that there are others out there that find you attractive.  Shannon has never had an issue with this.  Men constantly flirt with her, some take it too far and cross the line but that’s another blog.  The point is she has never had an issue in this area.  I, however have not had the luck she has.  Online…sure but in person not as often.  Now Shannon will tell you different.  She will tell you that it happens more often then I realize, I’m just oblivious to it.

There are certain keys to flirting with me like asking about my tattoos, making sexual innuendos, and engaging my brain and showing your intelligence.  Even then it’s they way you do it, smile, etc that will determine if I know if you are flirting or not.  Well like I said, Shannon has all the luck in this department but there have been a few times it has happened to me.  The most recent time was over Thanksgiving.  As I type this I realize I forgot to tell her about it and before you say anything  I always tell her when these things happen, I just got sidetracked and forgot, sorry baby.  Anyway I was with my 18 yr old son and he and I went to Little Caesars to pick up pizzas.  We walked in and these two girls were working the counter and they both asked me about my tattoos.  Specifically my grim reaper and Libra scales.  They started talking tattoos, how they liked mine, etc etc.  Smiling and everything.  Well what was funny was when we left.  As we walked out my son looked at me and said “Were they?” (implying that they were flirting with me) I just laughed and said “Yep, it’s the tattoos, it always gets em’” he just smiled and shook his head.

Now, there has been more than one time that men have treated my wife like a piece of meat and it pisses me off just as much as it does her.  She will tell me how the entire time talking to her all they did was stare at her cleavage.  Well I finally found out what that felt like one day riding the metro rail.  There was a lady sitting in the seat when I got on the train and it was pretty packed so I had to stand.  Well while standing there I caught her looking at me.  She started at my crotch worked her way up, smiled, then went back down to my crotch.

Magic Mike

I’m thinking to myself “okay, this is a first, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman be this obvious before” after a few minutes I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable, then the guy beside me moves in between us.  Whew saved, so I thought.  Nope, she is leaning around him to see me but she isn’t looking at me she is looking at my crotch.  I do the quick check, just to make sure I’m not unzipped.  Nope it’s all good.  So right about now I’m feeling like a piece of meat.  I’m starting to think she is going to follow me off the train and rape me in the parking garage.  We finally get to a stop and she gets off and I feel relieved.  That was first and only time I ever was looked at like nothing more that a fuck toy, at least that I know of.

Now my in-person flirting stories are few and far between and nothing compared to what Shannon has but I do have some but all in all I have to say in the end Shannon has all the luck.

 

 

Ummm… first off… nice of you to “forget” to tell me about them ho’s.. guess I gotta go to Little Ceasers now…lol.  Really.. YAY BABY.. someone flirted with you.. I know it made your day.  The only reason they don’t do it more often is because you don’t put off that vibe.  I have been told that I exude sex and being sexy is just second nature to me (not sure about all that however) but I tend to put that vibe out there.  I enjoy flirting.. I flirt with men and women.. I don’t care.. if I find them the slightest bit attractive or interesting.. I flirt.. Now since I’ve been with you I’ve learned to tone it way down and it doesn’t happen as often anymore… which I know your happy about.   Thank you for guest blogging tonight…

 

jessica rabbit

jessica rabbit (Photo credit: greyloch)  I’m not bad.. I’m just drawn that way

1 for Hi, 2 for Stop, 3 for BOOM CHICKA BOW WOW

 

Way way way way back.. ok now I’ve already started off by making myself feel old!  Great.  Anyways, way back when I was young and dumb and full of life I found myself involved with a cop who worked for the local Sheriffs Dept.  I will admit it, he was married, I was married, yeah yeah.. don’t judge me.. it was a rough rough time in my life.  Anyways the sparks between us flew the minute we met, the people who worked with me even said that first day he came in that they knew we would end up a couple because they could feel the electricity between us.

 

Sparks

Sparks (Photo credit: Gnal)

Even his fellow officers would come in and make joking comments to me and to him, and God help us if we were in the same room with these guys.. the joking never stopped!

 

Now I’m gonna change his name to protect him and well, myself, so for this post I will call him squishy and he shall be mine, he shall be my squishy.. oh wait, sorry my train of thought deterred there for a moment.  I will call him Jake.  Jake and I both worked the night shifts and saw each other often.  We even came up with a code for if we passed each other on the road, we would tap our brakes to signal that we saw one another.  1 tap meant “Hi.. I see ya but I can’t stop”.. 2 taps meant “Hi.. stop now, I need to talk to you” and 3 taps (this was mainly for him) was “Hey.. I’m working, your off and I’m stopping by your place later be home”.. yup it was the booty call before cell phones were popular.  🙂  Now who here doesn’t enjoy a good booty call?

 

Promotional image for the film.

Promotional image for the film. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

So here’s the main part of this story that I wanted to tell y’all.. not that I was a horrible person having an affair with a married man while I was married and then after I left my husband… again don’t judge… No.. here’s what I wanted to tell you.  One day in the early evening, around 6:30ish or so I was in my car heading out towards my mothers bar that she owned.  My mom just happened to be with me that day, just my luck.  Well as we were coming up the red road I saw my friend w/ benefits coming towards me, yes I could pick his car out a mile away.. As he passed I saw him smiling and realized he was slowing down.  I did the 1 tap hoping he would see me but instead I got the 2 tap in return.  My heart leaped out of my chest for fear that he would think I was ignoring him and get mad and not come see me later.  So I tapped one tap once again, at this point he was not only slowing down but making a UTurn.  I knew what he was doing because he had done it before when I didn’t see him pass by, I was looking in my purse for my cigarettes and missed him completely.  FFFFUUUDDDGGGEEEE.. (not the word I thought in my head at the time of course).. Please God.. don’t let him do it.. don’t let him do it.. don’t let him.. shoot.. he did..

Police Car Lights

Police Car Lights (Photo credit: appleswitch)

So there’s my mom starting in on me.. “Were you speeding? How fast were you going?  Can you even afford a ticket?”…I’m sitting there hoping that he see’s I’m with my MOTHER and not my roommate/best friend….again.. Shoot.. nope he missed it.  He walks up to the car and says “What, you don’t want me to come over later and read you your rights while your handcuffed?”…. I don’t think I could have been more embarrassed.. at least until he bent over to talk directly too me and saw my mother sitting in the passenger seat staring at him with this look like “What did you just say to my daughter?”… I cringe and try desperately to hold back the laughter that is threatening to come out as I see the look of horror and humiliation on Jake’s face.

Jake just kinda stands there dumbfounded, unsure of what to say or do so I introduce him to my mother who is just sitting there with that look on her face.  If you knew my mom.. you would be laughing at this moment as you would know the face.  After a few moments of awkward conversation he walks away telling me he’ll talk to me later.  By now I’m dying.  I know my mom, I know how observant she is and true to herself she starts off with “Why are you seeing a married a man??? You know I saw the ring on his finger”…. ugh!!! Nothing like trying to explain that one off.. so I just kinda kept my mouth shut.. yes I can actually do that on occasion, when the mood suits me.   So I got the lecture, the I’m so disappointed in you, you know better then this speech… but she ended it with “I love you brat, no matter how many bad choices you make in men!”.

A stern lecture

A stern lecture (Photo credit: San Diego Shooter) ya.. I kinda felt like this.. lol

Later that night when Jake stopped by for his “lunch break” all he could say was “Dear God your mother could make the most hardened criminal talk with that look”…hahahahaha.. if he only knew… My mom was famous for that “You aint gettin nothing past me buddy” face…:-)