Night Light Warning

night

 

Tonight my baby girl brought me her little Web Kinz pony with this burn spot on it.  My first thought was “Oh my God.. my baby could have died”.  She had this little night light plugged in by her bed and her stuffed animal must have got pushed up against it.  I can’t help but thing of how very lucky she is that it didn’t catch fire.  My world would have been forever changed had it.  I don’t even want to think about it.  So here is a warning to anyone with small children.. make sure their night lights are no where near somewhere a stuffed toy can get to it.  Thank you God, very watching out for us.

My first Christmas Memory

I must have been 4 or 5, I’m not sure I just know it was when my dad was still alive.  I don’t remember who woke up first, who the instigator was (probably me..lol) but us four kids crept quietly down the hall to the living room where the big fat Pine tree was glowing with the multi colored lights and tinsel that was hung carefully (because my mom insisted it was on evenly, not just thrown on).

English: A Christmas Tree at Home

English: A Christmas Tree at Home (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

We started opening up gifts, I thought quietly but apparently not..The first thing I opened was a pair of saddle shoe’s.  If you were born way back when you’ll remember them..

shoes

Oh how I loved those shoe’s.  I’m pretty sure this is where my shoe fetish started.  By time I got them out of the box and on my feet I heard my mom and dad yelling at us kids to get back to bed.  It was only 4 am.  So the 4 of us ran back to bed, me with my shoe’s still on my little feet to pretend like we were back asleep until they woke up and got us up.

kids

 

Now I’m not sure if it was the same Christmas or not..but I remember having 2 gigantic boxes under the tree with my name on them.  I was so excited.. The boxes were bigger then I was and heavy!!!!  I opened the first one and what did I find inside????  A stuffed Kung Fu Monkey (which I still have) with rocks on the bottom to weight it down… The second box..  yup.. the same.. except this one had a big stuffed mouse (which I no longer have).  My dad did that.. now you know where I get my sense of humor from.

 

I hope that today you have made memories that will last your lifetime.  Have a very Merry Christmas.  Hug your parents if your lucky enough to still have them in your life.  Hug your kids and let them know how much you love and cherish them.  Hug your spouse and let them know Christmas is complete because of them.

Maybe it wasn’t just a dream…

I was sitting in my living room, watching TV when the phone rang.  For some unknown reason I answered it, you see I don’t answer my phone because 9 times out of 10 its a bill collector and lets face it… they aren’t getting what they are calling for!  Anyways, I answered the phone and the voice on the other end took my breath away, made my heart stop for just a second.. I couldn’t talk.. I knew I must be dreaming when I heard her… “Hey baby, you coming to dinner tomorrow night?” she asked.  Oh how I wish I could hear my mom asks that question in reality.  “Yes ma’am” I said.. “We will be there by 2 tomorrow”…

The next thing I know we were at her house, oh the smells of her baking filled the nostrils making the stomach growl with anticipation.  I could almost taste the flaky cream puffs filled with chocolate pudding, the chocolate chip cookies, the country ham baking in the oven.  I walked in and noticed the Christmas Tree lit up in the front room, her snowmen all over it, the one’s I now own that darn my own tree.  I made my way into the kitchen, there she was standing with her cup of coffee as she was transferring the cookies from the cooling rack to the cookie jar.  Her smiled melted my seemingly frozen heart.  “Hey baby” she said as I almost broke out into a full force run to get to her.  She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell her, I felt her arms wrap around me, I could swear I felt her heart beating as hugged me tighter.  “Oh honey.. it’s okay.  I’m right here.  I’ve always been right here, I’ve never left you”.  We were no longer in her house but in a field.  It wasn’t winter, it was full of green green grass and flowers of all colors and Weeping Willows.  We sat in the tall grass and talked for what felt like hours.  I told her how much I’ve missed her, how hard things have become without her here.  I told her about failing myself and my kids and how honestly I sometimes wished it would just be over so I could be with her again, back in her arms knowing that everything will be okay.  She told me with a tear in her eye…”My baby girl.  You work so hard at trying to make it all perfect but your missing the point of it all.  You put so much on yourself that you’ve taken all your own happiness away.  I wish you didn’t worry so much, there’s no point in it.  You’ve been the one who has always borrowed trouble, and I’ve always wished that you wouldn’t.  You’ve never known a life without worry, without sorrow.  Being with me didn’t change that then and it wouldn’t change it now.  Please baby, look inside your own heart… see what you have accomplished in this life, see the good you’ve done, the children you’ve born and are raising.  See how hard you work and know it is not all in vain.  Learn to love yourself.  You offer so much to so many but nothing to yourself.  I am so proud of you.. proud to say your are my daughter, proud to say what a wonderful woman you grew into and what a wonderful loving mother you are.  Never ever forget that I love you”…  She hugged me one more time then said she had to go.

Estradeando...

Estradeando… (Photo credit: Eduardo Amorim)

I begged her to stay but I knew she wouldn’t.  I knew that Heaven needed her back.  In my head that I knew that it was all a dream, but in my heart I know she was there.  She walked towards the brightest light, brighter then the sun but it didn’t hurt my eye’s.  She turned and waved to me, she blew me a kiss then she was gone.  I stood there alone in that wonderful place crying.. knowing she was gone again, just as quickly as the last time she left.  Will I see her again?  Hopefully.  Do I know she is still with me?  Yeah, I feel her still.  My heart is heavy today.. heavy with love and sorrow.  I’ve never missed anyone the way I miss her.  I love her more today then the day she died.

I’ve still angry that she left me so early but I know she is always with me… My only wish is that she would have been able to meet and hold her grandkids, and for them to know their grandmothers love.

“I am Adam Lanza’s Mother”

I came across this article this morning and it brought tears to my eye’s.  I could very easily have written this letter myself.. I’ll let you read it then tell you why..

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

 

In 1997 I gave birth to a big beautiful baby boy who was almost 2 weeks over due.  I knew within the first week after his birth that something wasn’t normal.  He didn’t sleep like a newborn baby, he was always hungry always moving.  By 10 months old he had stopped taking naps altogether, and on the rare occasions I got him to sleep during the day he would sleep for about 15 minutes then he would be wide awake until 4 in the morning, he’d sleep for an hour to an hour and a half then go full speed until midnight the next night.  I was exhausted.  When the school pitched a fit at 5 yrs old that he needed medication I broke down and took him to his dr and told him what the school had said he told me “I knew he had severe ADHD when he was just 2 but there was nothing I could do for him until he was at least 5”.  This put us on a path of more doctors, more medications more everything.  In the spring of 2002, right after the birth of my daughter my son was no longer my son.  He was something different.  There was no light in his eye’s anymore, his baseball picture looked like a zombie.  His temper rose and with everything we had went through with him, anger was not one of them.  He had never been a violent child, always very loveable and tender hearted and needy, but never angry.  The medications they had him on were enough to kill a horse and even though I complained to the dr’s that I felt they were giving him too much the schools were screaming he wasn’t getting enough.  I was trapped.  One night my son tried to take a baseball bat to my ex husbands head (keep in mind though that he was a violent angry man so it makes sense that Jon did that).  We called his dr who said take him to the hospital on the other side of Houston.  I feared for the life of my newborn baby girl, for my life and my husbands and we admitted our son into a mental institute at the age of 5.  He spent 18 days there getting his medications changed.  They said his blood was toxic from the different cocktails they had him on.  When he left he was on fewer meds but higher doses of things like Depakote and Lithium.  You will never know and understand true pain and anguish until you have to force your 5 year old baby to take drugs that could literally kill him.

When you think of mental illness, is this what...

When you think of mental illness, is this what you see? (Photo credit: JenXer)

Fast forward 10 years and my son is still struggling to fit into this world.  He is my square peg in a round world.  He is down to 4 different medications at a lot lower of a dose.  He takes medications to help his brain turn off so he can sleep, he takes something for depression to help him stay out of fantasy world and in reality and medication for the severe ODD/ ADHD/ OCD TRIATS and the no executive skills.  They have been debating on whether they want to label him with Aspergers or not.  His therapist said she’s thought from the start he had it but the other dr said that even though he show’s all symptoms of it she didn’t believe he had it, that he just “mimicked” it.   My son has a heart of gold but is terrible moody.  He’s still not violent and I do not believe that he could ever hurt anyone intentionally but I bet the mothers of those listed in the article said the same things.

It is time to stop debating on whether or not we need to ban guns, or regulate guns or blame the president or congress.  The fact is we need better health care.  Not just for those who are sick with the flu or cancer but those stricken with mental health issue’s.  Make it easier for people to receive the care they need.  I believe it takes a village to raise a kid.  We should all be looking out for one another.  60 years ago when a child did something wrong it wasn’t uncommon for whatever adult was there to correct them, then tell the parents about it and the parents stood united with the other adult.  The children knew that if they were busted there was consequences.  IT wasn’t all about the parent and people questioning how the parent was well, parenting.. it was about ensuring the child learned wrong from right.  We need to get back to basics.

I would also like to say that I firmly believe that if you look at the rise in mental illnesses in this country, you will see they coincide with the uses of chemicals in our foods.  These chemicals may have been meant to help make food last longer but they are messing with our brains.  Girls are developing at 8 and 9 years old now, BECAUSE OF THE HORMONES INJECTED INTO THE MEATS WE EAT.  My OB/GYN told me when I had Shelby to not let her eat chicken nuggets from any fast food place because of the massive amounts of chemicals they put in the chickens.  Milk should not last 3 to 4 weeks, Bread should not be good for a month either.  Take the chemicals out of the food and I bet the mental illness claims will drop drastically.  Just my opinion though.

Truly saddened

I’ve been at work today joking around with my co-workers, (its been a fairly easy day today) and I logged onto facebook and started seeing all the posts wishing prayers to the victims of this morning’s tragedy.  So I clicked on one link and my heart just sank!  26 confirmed dead in a school shooting at Newtown CT, out of that 18 of them children.. ELEMENTARY aged children.  Apparently a 24 year old man who had a disagreement with the principal came in and opened fire.

http://www.examiner.com/article/newtown-ct-school-shooting-update-multiple-fatalities-with-gunman-dead

I sit here asking over and over again, Why?  Why would God let this happen?  Why would someone shoot children? Why?  It’s the only question I can come up with.  They are reporting that the gunman is dead, which is too bad because it would have been nice to take him into that towns square and let the people take care of him.  I pray that God has turned his back on this man and refused him entrance into Heaven.  I hope that he burns forever in the fires of hell only ever knowing pain and agony like nothing ever felt here on earth.  I pray that the families of these precious babies receive all the help they need to learn how to cope with their losses.  I know for them Christmas time will forever be a time of sadness now and that’s just not fair to them.  I pray for the family of the man who did this, because they will most likely be deemed guilty by association, even though they probably had no idea of how deeply disturbed he was.

I also hope (even though I know it’s going to happen) that people don’t start screaming that we need tougher gun control laws, that if there were no guns allowed it wouldn’t have happened because honestly.. criminals do not care if it’s against the law or not to have a gun and people are more likely to survived if it is a even battle then if it were only one sided.

I’m truly sorry for the families, the country, and everyone who is affected by this.  My heart aches for all.  Hopefully something good will emerge from it, somewhere down the line.