6 days to a scary yet again world….

Well.. the countdown is truly on now.  My husband‘s last day of work is in 6 short days with no new job lined up.  We’ve faced this scenario before.. so I should be prepared for it.  I should know that it’s not the end of the world, we’ve survived it once we’ll survive it again.  But I’m scared.  Truly scared, and well a little angry.



I’m much too old for this crap again.  This time however, it’s not just us struggling to make ends meet, no.. it’s my daughter having to stop her Tae Kwan Do training, which is heartbreaking because she’s now a brown belt and wants to get to black belt.  My husbands ex wife is going to be even more angry and infuriated because she won’t be getting “her” money while he’s out of work and the arrears will again rise rise rise.. debt that hasn’t drown us yet.. will do so this year.  My son is starting to talk about going to his Prom and the Military Ball… but we can’t afford the tickets for him.  He’s turning 16 in 4 short months… no party for him…  My husband’s oldest daughter is getting married in March and we won’t be able to go.  My husband is going to have to take the train and go by himself and our gift will be crappy.  We already can’t help in paying for it.  His son graduates in May, won’t be going to that either.

When Rob retired from serving 20 years in the USAF it took him almost a year to find a job.. and guess what??? It’s even harder now to find one.  Damn it.. I’m pissed off!  Life was not suppose to be this way for any of us.  It’s not like we haven’t worked our asses off.  And now the Government has raised our taxes so my already measly check will be even smaller???? Well guess what President Obama.. maybe I just won’t file my taxes this year.. or next year.. and when you finally catch me and throw me in jail for it… GOOD.. you can pay to feed me and house me and give me medical.  I told you.. I’m scared and with fear comes anger.  I’m angry at my husband even though it’s not his fault he can’t find a job.  I’m angry at the Government for fucking up everything… I’m angry again, even though I said I was going to try to be happy this year.  Which I promise I am trying to be.  I don’t let myself think too much about my up coming pains.. and when the dark thoughts start to go through my mind I start telling myself really stupid shit in my head to make it stop.  You know.. .like running away from life and everyone in it… going on random killing spree’s and telling myself they are all vampires and deserved to be killed… getting pedicures… who did let the dog’s out… a bunch of different random things.

So please just deal with me if I get a little mad.. a little down.. a little crazy over the next few days/weeks/months… or until we are homeless…which may be sooner rather then later.





Heading to La La land

So today was a super seriously craptacular day at work.  It started with my boss cussing at me for doing my job!  He has made it to where I cannot do anything right.  If I do what he says I get yelled at.. If I don’t do what he says.. I get yelled at.  One minute he’s telling me what a great job I’m doing and how nobody has ever done this job as well as I have.. then he gets stressed out about money and takes it all out on me!!!  I’m about 1 foul word away from telling him off, packing up my stuff and walking out the door right to an attorney’s office!  But in the meantime I have to work to support my family, there is no other choice.  So tonight instead of thinking about his 5’2″ 120lb ass I’m gonna close my eye’s and dream of a life I’ll never know… in a place I’ll never be able to go to….truly..fml…

I use to believe one day I’d make here.. now I know I blew that one and only chance.

Curse it all to hell

Cursed (2005 film)

Cursed (2005 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you believe in curses?  What about generational curses?  Voodoo curses?  Do you believe it’s possible for one person or one family be cursed for life?  Or you do  you believe that they are only able to work if the person believes they are cursed and buys into it causing their own bad luck?  What about the Jackpot curses in Vegas, you know where people win the big Multimillion dollar jackpot only to die the next day?  That leads into the Lotto Winners Curse.  How many times have you heard about people who were so deserving of winning the big Power Ball Lotto and their lives became worse because of the money windfall they were cast into?

You see, I ask because I believe that I am cursed, that my family is cursed.  Somewhere along the line someone cursed our family.  I don’t know, maybe we deserve it.  Maybe I had a great great great something or other who liked to torture small animals and sacrifice small children to the dark Lord himself.  Hell, with the way my luck has gone,  maybe  the Dark Lord himself is my great great great whatever.  Did my 4 Great Grandma share a bed with the Devil himself?  What do I have to do the break this curse, and is it even possible?

It doesn’t matter what I do to try to be a good person, to live right and even yes try to be Godly in my way of thinking and living.  I try very hard to never be mean to anyone (unless of course they poke the bear with a stick.. then it’s a free for all)  I try to help when I can, to love unconditionally, to follow man’s laws as well as God‘s.  I’ve tried to show my kids that doing the right thing is right and will reward you in life with good things but it’s not working.

I could go into great detail about all the things that have happened to make me believe this but why bother?  It’s not going to change the outcome.  I just know that anyone connected to me seems to suffer the same fate as I have.  Just ask my husband now (although he’ll never admit that it is because of me his life sucks so badly now) but the facts are in black and white.  His life was better before me.  Now his health is declining, his emotional health is in jeopardy, he’s working harder then he ever has and he’s getting further and further behind in this life.  He will tell you it is not because of me but because of his Ex Wife and her relentless journey to ruin him, which is true to a point but.. and it’s a big but so stay with me on this… If he was with ANYONE else in the world she would not be able to get away with lying, stealing and defrauding 2 states for over a year and having the courts rape him financially over and over again giving her win after win.  No, if he was with someone who wasn’t cursed, the courts would have seen what was CLEARLY written in black and white and she would not have gotten away with it and he would be celebrating today instead of fighting his worst fears.  My ex got away with doing the same things and has yet to have his “Karma” come back to him, and I know now it won’t.  How do I know that?  Well it’s simple Watson, he’s not with me anymore so his “curse” of bad luck is over.

So here I sit… at work… angry, upset, fearful, anxious and wanting to run as fast as I can in a different direction.. but I know it’s no use as no matter where I go.. I’ll still be cursed.  If you think I’m over re-acting, that I’m just emotional and confused, ask my sister Michelle.. she’ll tell you we are cursed.  Ask several of my family members who are struggling to just barely survive, they will tell you.

Maybe I should just accept that I am on the dark side’s list and just start living that way.. it may be more fun and less stressful.  Well who am I kidding.. whereas the ex’s in our lives have gotten away with breaking the law over and over and over again.. I would end up in prison on the first offense.. the judge making me an example to all.