A Split Second…

It only takes a split second… that’s it.  Everything can change in just the same amount of time that it takes for you to blink your eyes.  Think about it.  Think about the times in your life when something happened or something that was said changed your path forever. Your first love telling you “I’ve met someone else” or “Maybe we should see other people”.  It only took a second to say the words but it changed you.  It changed your heart an your mind.  Later on in life you may have heard “Will you marry me” and you said “yes”, and all in the matter of seconds.

Maybe it was something wonderful like “You’re expecting”… or “its a girl/boy”.  or how about even “it’s twins”.  I myself have been blessed twice hearing “You’re pregnant” and once hearing “It’s a boy” then “it’s a girl”.  Sometimes in a split second life can change in ways you never really expected, and was better then you ever dreamed.  Those are the moments that we all hold onto to get us through those other moments that change things for the worse.

Maybe, sadly someone in your life or even maybe yourself heard a word that forever changed you.  Cancer.  I’ve heard that word in my life to many times.  I’ve lost 3 people I loved dearly to cancer, one just last week and I currently have one person fighting since 2008 to beat it.

Maybe the phone rang one day..and the voice on the other end was letting you know there had been an accident or someone you loved couldn’t handle life anymore and didn’t reach out for help.  That split second they made a choice that impacted your life forever.

We’ve all had split seconds in our lives that changed it and us forever.  We’ve all had split seconds in our lives where we have made decisions in split seconds that changed everyone else around us.  It only does take a split second….

I guess we all just have to remember that when things get really bad that it could all change in that split second… and when things are going good to cherish it, because that to can change in that same exact split second.

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The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 7

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I’m a little behind in this one, sorry.  Life just kinda got in the way.  when I got to my appointment I found myself a bit agitated with some things that had happened in my daily life so my therapist spent most of the hour talking to me about those things.  We did touch on the rape a little bit, and what she told me kinda made a light bulb go off over my head.

light-bulb-over-head

 

I had printed off copies of the blogs I had written about the sessions and gave them to her to read.  She pointed out a few things about them, one being I do not view the rape as a sexual thing.  For me it was a control thing.  I knew he didn’t want me sexually, he hadn’t for months.  He wanted me to feel his control, he wanted to rip away any self worth I had managed to gain while he would be out and about.  If you remember I told you that he used to tell me all the time that I was fat and repulsive and no one would ever love me or want me.  When he found out that someone did (or at least thought that someone did) he had to make sure that small gleam of hope was ripped out of my head, out of my heart.  By attacking me sexually while spewing those hateful things he was making sure that for me sex=self hatred.  Does that make sense?  I’m so scattered brained right now.  I know what I want to say, it’s in my head but as I type this out it’s just all jumbling out of my fingertips and I’m not sure it’s making sense.  What he didn’t realize he was doing was the opposite of what he had tried to do.  Instead of making me turn away from sex, I turned to it.  I even asked my therapist what was wrong with me, that most people who are raped don’t want anything to do with sex again but for me it was like someone turned on the “must have sex” switch and now it won’t turn off.  Again she explained to me that it’s a control thing.  I use sex to gain control, even though it’s an illusion as I’ve never had control.  After the attack I will admit, I was on a mission.  I wanted to have sex with as many people as I could.  I would walk into a bar or concert or whatever and I would pick out who I wanted to seduce and I would use my ways to get what I wanted.  It was me calling the shots, the who the what the when and the where and the how!  On the occasions that I couldn’t get the person I had set my sights on it was more then just a rejection, it was a total stranger telling me that my ex was right.  I wasn’t lovable.  I was too fat and ugly and repulsive to be loved.  This would set me off even more making me even more determined to conquer anyone I desired.

I look back now and I see just how very lucky I was.  I didn’t get an STD that wasn’t curable (my ex husband gave me STD’s.. he’s the only one who ever did), I wasn’t raped again, I wasn’t murdered.  Any one of those things could have happened to me at any time.  I put myself in harms way over and over again trying to find a feeling of control in my life.  The sad thing is I still do the same thing.  I mean, I’m not out finding dozens of different men anymore, but I still view sex as a control thing.  Even with my husband.  If I want something, whether it be a material item or just a feeling of being in control I will use my ways to seduce him.  On the occasions that I don’t get my way it does set off those warning signals in my head.  I know they are wrong and are lying to me but the fear is there.  I’m still not lovable.  I’ve gained a few pounds back so now I’m too fat and repulsive again.  These things are fueling that internal need of finding someone on the side.  I know I won’t cheat on my husband, but sometimes my brain screams at me that I must have that approval and if it can’t be from my husband for whatever reason (work, health, time) then I have to have it from somewhere.  The trick now is to learn to get that approval from my own brain, not a man’s penis.

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

So Long 2013

2013

 

You know when things start going wrong in you life you sometimes think “What next???”… and then something else goes wrong.  Well this has been my year!  Every time I took a step forward something happened that pushed me back 3 steps.  If my math is correct I’m now 234,567.8 steps behind where I actually started on January 1, 2013!

My husband owns a PT Cruiser and I swear this is the biggest piece of crap every built!   This year alone we have had to replace 18 flat tires, 3 rims, the turbo, the battery, the headlights had to be cleaned because they fogged up and wouldn’t pass the inspection for the new tag, and in the last week and a half of 2013 we had to have the catalytic converter  changed then last Saturday he hydroplaned off the road and into a ditch!  The insurance company has towed the car to a body shop to see if it is salvageable or if they are going to total it.  Either way it’s going to cost us money we don’t have.

My car is now 8 years old and has over 120,000 miles on it.  It’s been a great car with very little maintenance needed until this past year… and why this past year??? Well that would be because I paid it off last January, and of course the moment I paid it off it started going down hill!  I’ve had the alternator replaced, the battery, the oil changed several times and the it still ran horrible.  It idled so rough and then suddenly.. the check engine light came on.  Put in the shop and they can’t find whats wrong so they try changing the spark plugs.  It runs okay but it still idles rough, my mechanic tells me that it is because the car is older and the bolts holding it in are wearing down so when it starts idling harsh, put it in neutral and see if that helps.  So I do this for awhile but it gets worse.  Then on Thanksgiving day, after my husband called on his way to work saying he’s got a flat and has to be towed to the shop because he already had the spare on.  I go to the shop to pick him up and BAM!!! Engine light comes on, car dies.  Luckily my sister was in town and drove us home and let him borrow her car to get to work.  Now they tell me that there is low compression in cylinder 3 and the car is misfiring.  That there is a large carbon build up which is odd because car’s like mine shouldn’t get that.  My mechanic (who is awesome thank God) tells me that with the age and mileage in my car they really don’t recommend putting the money into fixing is.  They tell me to put some additive in with my gas fill ups and hope that it will help.  Pretty much telling me that my car has cancer and is on hospice.. it’s only a matter of time.  We couldn’t afford a new car for me, now we may have to get a new car to replace his…. ugh..

Lets not forget that my husband (who pays his ex over $30 K a year in alimony and child support) had his contract come to end… luckily he was finally hired on to a fed position.. just in time for the govt. shut down!  So in October he starts a new job that pays quite a bit less money then he was making right in time for his bday and the starting of trying to buy Christmas for 5 kids and each other he ended a job and went w/o a pay check for a couple of weeks until he was at the new job long enough to get one there.. but that one was delayed by 16 days!!!!

If you know me, have been following our story then you know I had the RNY surgery IN 2011.  Since then I’ve had several issues stemming from it.  Luckily none have been life threatening but still.. since the original surgery I’ve had 2 additional surgeries.  Then in March 12′ I started having shoulder pain.  Fast forward a year later we have found that I have frozen shoulder in my left arm, PLUS a bulging disk in my neck PLUS nerve damage to my Ulna Nerve… Now back to the stomach problems, my surgeon has said that everything going on with me signals that I have a twist in my intestines where they reconnected the pouch to the intestines and I have yet another hernia.   He has said that it will take a surgery to repair the intestines however it will be a full open up surgery that will leave me on medical leave for at least 2 months.  There’s no way possible for us to survive without my pay for 2 months.

These are just a few things that went wrong last year… sometimes I feel like I just can’t breath anymore with the amount of financial debt we have piling up on us.  2013 sucked ass from beginning to end.  I’d like to just through the towel in and say.. fuck it.. I’m done!  But that’s not an option for me.  I have 2 kids that depend on me and a husband who loves me and friends/family who need me.  So..

For 2014 I’m going to just say.. “I have this”.. I’m not going to ask what’s next.  I’m not going to think that nothing is ever going to go right… I’m just going to know that I have this.  Even though my faith has been shaken to the very core, this year I’m going to work harder on letting know that God is there.. he has managed to get us through everything so far.. and he will continue to in the new year.  There will be a lot of prayers.. and I will start a new trend for me.  Every day I’m going to write down something positive that happened to me and will go to that jar of positive notes whenever I am feeling like I’ve sunk to the bottom again.  I WILL FIND THE LIGHT this year.. because honestly.. I’m sick of the dark!

 

On a side note.. my sister.. my best friend is facing cancer again.. she has to have surgery and she is a single mother of 3.. so I’m asking everyone to pray for her.. add her to your prayer chains.. Her name is Nekita, she goes by Nikki.  Thank you.

Dinner with ______________!

So if you could have dinner with any 1 famous person, who would it be?  Would you go the intellectual way and have some grub with someone like maybe Charles Darwin?

 

Charles Robert Darwin. A copy made by John Col...

Charles Robert Darwin. A copy made by John Collier (1850-1934) in 1883 of his 1881 portrait of Charles Darwin. According to Darwin’s son Erasmus, “The picture is a replica of the one in the rooms in the Linnaean Society and was made by Collier after the original. I took some trouble about it and as a likeness it is an improvement on the original.” Given to the National Portrait Gallery, London in 1896. See source website for additional information. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

Would you go the religious route and break bread with one of the many Deity around the world?  Maybe have Jesus turn that water into wine while your sitting there discussing Heaven and Hell?

 

Jesus H. Christ

Jesus H. Christ (Photo credit: angelofsweetbitter2009)

 

Would you go for a celebrity?  Maybe one of the troubled greats like James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley??? Or a current mega star like one of my favorites Dwayne Johnson.. yeah yeah, don’t judge me.. I know he’s not the greatest actor of all time but have you seen him????? Damn.. easy easy on the eyes…

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson NYC 2009 T...

See.. SEE!!!!!!!!!!  That smile.. that bod!!! Lord help me… 

 

So who would you dear reader like to have dinner with?  Maybe your kinda kinky and would like to have dinner w/ a Porn Star.. yeah, I’m thinking my hubby here.. it’s all a go.. no holds barred… tell me.. I wanna know..

My Explanation

So I told you all several months back that I was diagnosed with Frozen Shoulder.  Not sure what that is, well here.. read all about it..http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00071.. Now keep in mind that it took several months to get this diagnosis.. it started out with a first visit to the sports medicine clinic.  My dr told me that he was suspicious that is what I had and wanted me to come back in 3 months to see if it’s any worse and to have an MRI during that time.  So I have the MRI and I go back.. he says “Well.. you do not have a rotary cuff injury… it’s what I had thought it’s frozen shoulder”.  So he makes me wait again before he makes a decision on what he wants to do.. meaning surgery (manipulative, not cutting) or injections or physical therapy… okay.. more waiting… go back for his “decision” and his decision was to send me to ortho… ugh.. more waiting.

Now I get into the ortho dr who tells me that surgery is not an option, then he tells me that because I had a slight reaction to the shot the sports med dr gave me they were now out of the question.. so he sent me to pain management… which I might add that guy was a quack!

Now in the meantime I had to go see my original surgeon because I’ve been having stomach problems and since I had the gastric bypass 2 yrs ago I can’t let those go unattended.  I tell him what’s going on w/ my shoulder and he’s livid.  He tells me they gave me a bullshit answer, something to just pass me on and get rid of me.  I go back into the hospital where I have to have an upper GI scope.. when I come out from under anesthesia my shoulder is killing me to the point I’m in tears.. (it’s my left shoulder and they had to lay me on the left side).  Mr dr tells me that he is going to contact his pain management dr there at Walter Reed and get me in to see him.. and that he was not buying, and I quote “that bullshit so called diagnosis they gave you”… and to my surprise he did.. and the next working day I got a call from the Pain Management clinic and she said they wanted me in the next day.. man my surgeon rocks!

Anyways.. they all agree’d that I do show signs of Frozen Shoulder but.. and here’s the big but.. I show a lot of signs of nerve damage in my neck/spine.  Not common for both of them to be going on at the same time, but that’s me.. I’m that .001% patient.. so now I have to go get yet another MRI and then go back to pain management on the 29th, my bday.. happy bday to me!  They talked about admitting me to do that manipulative surgery I mentioned earlier with at least a week long stay after for intensive physical therapy… not looking forward to that but after the last couple of weeks and the pain I’ve had (today being harshest) I am ready to go pack my bag and head to the hospital tonight!

So this dear readers is why I haven’t blogged too much lately (well written rather then copied and pasted things).  It hurts to type, it hurts to sit, to lay, to stand… sex is almost impossible anymore.. this truly sucks!  The only reason I can type right now is I came home and took 2 pain pills.. hoping it would knock me out but it didn’t… so there you have it…

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