The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 7

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I’m a little behind in this one, sorry.  Life just kinda got in the way.  when I got to my appointment I found myself a bit agitated with some things that had happened in my daily life so my therapist spent most of the hour talking to me about those things.  We did touch on the rape a little bit, and what she told me kinda made a light bulb go off over my head.

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I had printed off copies of the blogs I had written about the sessions and gave them to her to read.  She pointed out a few things about them, one being I do not view the rape as a sexual thing.  For me it was a control thing.  I knew he didn’t want me sexually, he hadn’t for months.  He wanted me to feel his control, he wanted to rip away any self worth I had managed to gain while he would be out and about.  If you remember I told you that he used to tell me all the time that I was fat and repulsive and no one would ever love me or want me.  When he found out that someone did (or at least thought that someone did) he had to make sure that small gleam of hope was ripped out of my head, out of my heart.  By attacking me sexually while spewing those hateful things he was making sure that for me sex=self hatred.  Does that make sense?  I’m so scattered brained right now.  I know what I want to say, it’s in my head but as I type this out it’s just all jumbling out of my fingertips and I’m not sure it’s making sense.  What he didn’t realize he was doing was the opposite of what he had tried to do.  Instead of making me turn away from sex, I turned to it.  I even asked my therapist what was wrong with me, that most people who are raped don’t want anything to do with sex again but for me it was like someone turned on the “must have sex” switch and now it won’t turn off.  Again she explained to me that it’s a control thing.  I use sex to gain control, even though it’s an illusion as I’ve never had control.  After the attack I will admit, I was on a mission.  I wanted to have sex with as many people as I could.  I would walk into a bar or concert or whatever and I would pick out who I wanted to seduce and I would use my ways to get what I wanted.  It was me calling the shots, the who the what the when and the where and the how!  On the occasions that I couldn’t get the person I had set my sights on it was more then just a rejection, it was a total stranger telling me that my ex was right.  I wasn’t lovable.  I was too fat and ugly and repulsive to be loved.  This would set me off even more making me even more determined to conquer anyone I desired.

I look back now and I see just how very lucky I was.  I didn’t get an STD that wasn’t curable (my ex husband gave me STD’s.. he’s the only one who ever did), I wasn’t raped again, I wasn’t murdered.  Any one of those things could have happened to me at any time.  I put myself in harms way over and over again trying to find a feeling of control in my life.  The sad thing is I still do the same thing.  I mean, I’m not out finding dozens of different men anymore, but I still view sex as a control thing.  Even with my husband.  If I want something, whether it be a material item or just a feeling of being in control I will use my ways to seduce him.  On the occasions that I don’t get my way it does set off those warning signals in my head.  I know they are wrong and are lying to me but the fear is there.  I’m still not lovable.  I’ve gained a few pounds back so now I’m too fat and repulsive again.  These things are fueling that internal need of finding someone on the side.  I know I won’t cheat on my husband, but sometimes my brain screams at me that I must have that approval and if it can’t be from my husband for whatever reason (work, health, time) then I have to have it from somewhere.  The trick now is to learn to get that approval from my own brain, not a man’s penis.

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

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The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. Session 4

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Last weeks session was pretty intense.  We discussed my homework assignments for the week.  The worksheet was to write about something that had happened, my thoughts about it and how it made me feel.  This was the assignment..

My homework for this past 2 weeks is an ABC worksheet.  A is to write about something that happened.  B. is “tell myself something.  C. is “I feel something”  The example given is A. I build a porch and the railing comes loose.  B. “I can never do anything right”. C. “I get angry and kick the railing.  I also feel down and sad because I can’t do anything right”

Are my thoughts above in “B” realistic?  “No.  It wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, because I do SOME things right”.

What can you tell yourself on such occasions in the future? “There are some things that I do all right.  It is not true that I “never” do anything right”

One of the things I wrote about was something someone said to me about my outfit.  My first thought was “It doesn’t matter what I wear I’m never going to look good in anything.. I’m never going to be accepted”.  My C answer was I had felt angry to the point I wanted to inflict physical pain on this person.  Then I felt fat and still out of that “circle” that I can never quite get into.   As we discussed this she started asking me how it was my fault on how this other person thinks or feels.  She reminded me that this particular person is always criticizing me, no matter how hard I try or what I do so why would I ever think that anything I wore would be good enough for him?  Pointing out the obvious is something that I truly need to either learn to do on my own or have people close to me do this for me.  Help me to retrain my brains way of thinking things through.  To try to stop blaming myself for every thing that has gone wrong for me.

The next thing we discussed was a problem that always comes up in my life, money.  Being financially strapped and in turmoil it makes it very hard to not stress and to not argue with my husband on a constant basis.  I do not believe “Love is all you need” crap.  You need money.  The lack of money makes it difficult to pay your bills, celebrate anniversaries and birthdays, take family vacations.  People will tell you that “You can do free things together, take a picnic or a walk together.  Make something new for dinner together, write a poem or watch a movie together as a family with popcorn.  Those are all great things, but year after year of doing those things, they get old.  Sometimes you want to go out to a restaurant that doesn’t have a value menu, or stay over night in a hotel on a beach just to watch the sunrise in the morning from your balcony.  Anything other then the free stuff.  Anyways, that’s kinda off the topic but a little bit but it will explain it.  Because of life our bank account was less then it should have been and I lost it.  My first thoughts were “here we are again.. I’m not one of those girls, I’ll never be one of them.  I’ll never be able to buy what I want or need, go on family vacations, do what I want for my kids.”   My C part of this was at first to feel defeated.  I’ve worked so hard for so many years and I’m getting further and further in debt.  I went to college and put myself $24,000 + in debt w/ student loans I’ll never be able to pay back.  I screamed and yelled at my husband how I’m sick to death of it all.. then I felt like a failure all over again.

As we discussed this she started asking me more and more questions about why I feel certain ways and the water works started.  The more I talked the more upset I got and the more I had to fight to hold the tears back.  I blurted out that I don’t feel like I’m important.. important enough for anyone to listen to, to love. My boss treats me like I’m the dumbest most horrible person he’s ever employed.  My first husband didn’t think I was important, my second either.  My current husband loves me and I know this but most of the times I feel like he’s not hearing me.  He listens but doesn’t hear.  I feel like no one has really heard me in years.  She started asking me if I truly felt this way, that I knew my kids couldn’t survive without me and they thought I was very important and that even though my husband may make mistakes, he thinks I’m important too.  But I don’t feel it and I haven’t in forever and until I learn that I am important to myself I won’t feel important to anyone else.

My next assignment, that’s due today has been the hardest yet.  I had to write a detailed paper on the rape sparing no details.  I had to write about what I was feeling then and what I was feeling while I was writing it.  It was truly hard to do, it left me feeling dirty and disgusting and the worst, vulnerable. If you know me at all you know that vulnerable is truly one of the worst things I can feel because for me it equals being weak, being a victim and I can’t do that.  I will write about the session later this week but I will not be posting the paper.  There are some things that I can’t share and this is one of them.

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!