Yeah, my son is different. So what, different is good.

Earlier this morning my husband and I were catching up on our DVR’d show’s before he had to leave to go to work.  One of the show’s that we’ve grown fond of is Donnie loves Jenny.  We really only got involved in watching it because of course it came on right after Wahlburgers and frankly we love that show.  This mornings episode (okay technically last nights) really hit me hard, so hard in fact I almost teared up!  I had to choke back the tears when they were watching the video’s Donnie had of when he became a father and how loving the entire family was around him and his kids.  Jenny then tells Donnie that she really didn’t have much video of her son Evan because what was she going to video tape?  I can’t remember the exact wording and my husband has already deleted it and it’s not on youtube (I checked) but it was pretty much her saying what was she going to video tape, her child being different, sick even if you will.

She told Donnie about a time she took Evan to the zoo and would say “Look Evan, look at all the monkeys” but because of his illness he was more entranced by the shape the fence made and how it all connected then he was the monkeys.  Jenny talked about the guilt she felt for thinking there was something wrong with her son, and at that moment I wanted to cry.  I have felt that guilt for 17 1/2 years now, and even though to me he’s perfect in his odd ways to the world he’s an outcast.

In the next scene she and Donnie are face-timing with Jenny’s mother and they start discussing how Evan would spend hours just spinning wheels, like if he had a car he would flip it over and just sit there and spin the wheels for hours and hours.  My son, Jonathan had his own “uniqueness” to his way of playing.  He would push everything.  Literally, just push it.  That’s how he played.  For Christmas when he was 1 1/2 we bought him one of those ride on Lil Tykes 4 wheeler.  We sat him on it and showed him where to put his feet and that if he pushed the little pedal down the 4 wheeler would go.  He would never ride on it.  He would always get off and start pushing it.  We would put him back on it and show him again but he would get frustrated with us and get off and go to the back of it and start pushing it.

One of the toys my son loved most was Hot Wheels, he had hundreds of them (still does).  The other toy was Lego’s to which he did and still does have hundreds of them.  When he played with the Hot Wheels he would line them up in a single file line that spanned the length of the entire house sometimes and he would start at the beginning of the line and would push one of the cars an inch or two, then he’d go to the next car and push it the exact same distance.  He would do this until he reached the end of the line and he’d walk back to the beginning and start all over spending hours pushing these cars from one side of the room to the other only to turn them all around and do it all over again.  He was more then happy just being by himself and pushing his toys around the room or the back yard.  Sometimes becoming so excited with some new way he’d figured out how to push something that he’d have to come run and tell me all about it and beg me to come see.  So I would go and watch my baby go back into his own little reality world and push the toys and be so proud of himself for what he was doing.

On occasion I would set up play dates with other boys that were his age that we had met through little league or pre K, but those never turned out very well, and we were very seldom ever being asked back.  It wasn’t because my son was mean or misbehaved while there, but only because he kept to himself and the other “normal” kids just didn’t see the fun in playing with someone like him.  After each visit we’d usually get that awkward “Yeah, we’ll call you and set something up” and I’d know that meant no, we won’t call you.  There was one woman who was always so very nice to me and my family, always inviting us to do stuff.  Her and I are still friends today even though we live more then 1000 miles apart.

It’s very hard to be a parent of a child that most of the world see’s as “damaged” and doesn’t really want to get to know.  It’s heartbreaking to know that your kid is walking around the school’s with a bulls-eye painted on their backs and that anything they say or do is going to be ridiculed by some little shit whose parents have not done very good job’s in raising them to be tolerant of those that aren’t “normal”.  It’s even harder to remind yourself that you are the adult and smacking the shit out of some little punk who has made your baby cry or turn even more inside themselves is against the law.   The hardest thing though, is being a parent and trying very hard to not feel guilty, that maybe it was something you did while pregnant that made them this way.  Maybe I ate something that had a chemical in it, or maybe it’s that I myself is damaged and I’ve passed that onto my child.  The guilt eats you up, then you start feeling even more guilty because you feel guilt that you don’t believe your child is perfect and every parent should always feel this way.

When we decide to have kids we usually pray that they are healthy and have 10 fingers and 10 toes and 2 eyes.  We try not to picture the worst of things that can happen and when we get to hold that perfect bundle of joy in our arms for that first time, oh how the tears fall.  For me, my heart filled with a love that I never knew I was capable of feeling for anyone.  He was a huge 8 lbs 15 oz and 21 inch long direct link to my heart.  I promised to love him forever and take care of him and protect him no matter what.  I wasn’t given an instruction manual on how to raise a child who would later be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD (severe), ODD (again severe) and OCD traits.  I knew something was wrong by time he was 6 months old.  He stopped napping during the day, and if I forced him to sleep he would sleep for 15 mins and then would be up until 3 or 4 the next morning and he sleep until 6 and be up and going again all day.  I was exhausted and the guilt ate away at my soul.  We saw doctor after doctor, some of whom wrote papers for the AMA on how severe his disorders were.  We started medications at age 5 and that just compounded the guilt.

My son is now a senior in High School.  He is still a loner but he does have a few friends.  He’s not motivated to do much of anything in life and I feel he will have to live with us forever because he will be unable to support himself.  I hope that I am wrong but unless something changes for him right now he’s happier in his room alone and away from the harsh world we live in.

I see that the world is changing towards kids like mine, but it’s slow in coming.  Every day I read a story about how some random person stood up for someone like Jonathan and it makes me happy to know that these stories are happening.  The guilt I have will most likely always live within me, I will always wonder if it was something I did or didn’t do correctly.  I’m still learning as I’m going, no one has written that manual yet!

My son will never be the prom King, he won’t be the star quarterback for the team and he’ll never be voted most popular but so what!  How many hundreds of kids across the USA get those every year?  My son has something most kids these days don’t, an imagination.  He may go far in this world, further then anyone every thought he could.  I just know that no matter what he accomplishes in life, I will always be standing behind him, cheering him on being his #1 fan!  It’s okay to be different, in fact it’s a good thing.  Being the “same” as everyone else is boring as hell and boring is one thing me and my kids have never been accused of being!

 

 

Please Help Save a Life

http://www.gofundme.com/kickcancerwithnikki

 

My very best friend in the world has recently been diagnosed with Colon Cancer.  She is just such a wonderful person and she doesn’t deserve this.  She is already a two time survivor of Cancer and now she’s been hit again.  Why?  She’s amazing, and loving and she does so much for others.  She doesn’t smoke, she tries to healthy, she exercises and she honestly truly loves life.  She is a single mother of 3 wonderful kids and she is doing it all on her own.  For me she is the perfect example of what a true Christian should be.  Her faith is never wavering, her love of God shines through.  She doesn’t judge others and she doesn’t go around telling people that what they believe or do or how they live their lives is wrong because they don’t believe like she does.  Forgiving is a great word to describe her.

 

There have been a few people in my life who have been “constants”.  My mother was the first and foremost.  She lost her battle to Colon Cancer in 2000.  My friend Vince.  He lost his battle against Leukemia in 2010.  My friend/sister Nikki.   She’s managed to survive cancer twice already.  I told God the last time she was diagnosed that he was not allowed to take her.  I need her here more then he needs another angel in Heaven.  So I’m asking everyone to share this blog, and to donate to help her out.  She’s already on disability because the previous two cancers have left her with some medical problems and she can’t work a full time job.  Her disability doesn’t pay enough to a) provide for 4 people and b) pay for all the dr’s and and doctor visits.

If you have ever thought about donating to a charity or a family that was truly in need.. she is one.  Every dollar will help.  Your donation will help her feed her kids and fight this cancer so that she will live to raise her babies.

Please.. please help her out.

 

Thank you all and God Bless you.

Who me… obsessed???? Naw

Have you ever obsessed on something?? I mean really obsessed?  I have a tendency of doing that on so many things.. I find some new food that I love and I eat it until I’m sick to death of it.. can anyone say hummus?  When I started exercising a totally over did it to the point of getting not 1 but 2 Hernia’s that I’m still recovering from and now I’m obsessing on boxing.. to the point I wanted pink boxing gloves for my anniversary and GOT THEM!  I use to joke that I had an addictive personality… guess it’s true..

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See.. mine are the pink one’s.. my hubby’s are the blue one’s.. we gave each other the gift of good health for our soon to be 4th anniversary!

I have some other things that I’m totally obsessing on but I’m not about to put it on here (I have family that reads this).. but some of you (my followers) know what it is.. and I’m becoming completely obsessed on it.  I day dream about it at work.. I pray that I get to experience it more and more.. I guess it’s a good thing that I stopped doing drugs a long time ago..

 

Another year gone.. Another year of missing you…

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This is my mom.. the strongest women I ever knew.  Today marks the 13 anniversary of her departure from this world and I miss her still so much.  I’ve noticed that over time I’m forgetting more and more of the little things, the way she smelled, the sound of her voice. what her hugs felt like.. but one thing I’ll never ever forget is how much she loved me.  My father died when I was just 6 but that didn’t stop my mom.  She had 4 kids to raise and she stepped into the dual role shoe’s.  She was my mother and my father, strong, loving, protective.. all the things a good parent should be.  Sadly though because she had to work so hard to support us all she was at work more then at home, but she always managed to find a few minutes a day to spend with us all.  I thought I’d share a couple of memories with you all.

 

One of my earliest memories is after my dad died and we had moved into the house I grew up in.  Mom and I shared a room and my sisters had the room w/ the bathroom and my brother had his own room.  It was really really cold one night and I think the heater was out in the house (yes.. sometimes you need a heater in Fla).. and we went to bed and she snuggled up behind me, wrapped her protective arms around me and said “It’s so cold baby…try to stay warm”… You see I was the sick kid.. always getting pneumonia.. and she was worried about me getting sick in the cold so she rubbed my arms and tried to warm me up… Always loving…

 

Another memory I have is  about a snake.  We had this little metal shed in our back yard.. all it had in it was the organ our fathers mother gave us (mom didn’t want it in the house) and a rake.  On occasion when I would be in the back yard playing sometimes I would play in it.  This one day I opened the door to find a rattlesnake all curled up under the organ so I ran and got my mom.. she was after all my protector… she came out the back door with the broom and proceeded to beat the crap or should I say life out of that snake.  After several moments of her whacking it she came out covered in sweat but the winner of the fight…lol  that was my mom!

So.. on this day I will miss you.. I will cherish my memories of you.. I will hold you close to my heart and know that you are watching over us.  I hope I make you proud.. I hope my kids make you proud.  I’m only sorry they didn’t get to know you.  I love you mom.. always and forever.

 

Virginia “Ginger Lee” Underwood… 1945/2000.

On My Mind

The other day I went into a place to pick up some lunch and I saw a man standing in line who looked so much like a someone I used to know, and love.  Someone I miss all the time, someone I find myself thinking about and not even realize that I’d been thinking about him.  His name was Vince and he’d been in my life for so long I just never imagined life without him, until just shy of 3 years ago when he succumbed to cancer.  He was a separate life for me.  We didn’t have the same friends, he never met my family, he was mine and only mine and I kept him that way.  Maybe it was my own insecurities that kept him apart from the rest of me, maybe it was because when we met I was underage and he was an adult and I always feared getting in trouble or getting him in trouble even after adulthood.  Maybe because he went his way and I went mine for many years even though we still stayed in contact on the phone, and then email.  Who knows, all I know was if I ever needed him for anything, an ear to talk too, a shoulder to cry on, a friend w/ benefits… he was always there.  Always willing and able to do or say whatever I needed at that moment.

FingerFriends

For reasons of my own I’ve kept my mourning of him to myself as much as I possibly could.  I’ve cried in the shower, or when I was out on a run.  I spent nights sitting in bed when Rob was at work and the kids were sleeping, just sitting in the bed remembering.  Laughing at the funny things, crying at the sad things, telling the air that it wasn’t fair that he and my mom were both gone now!  I’ve yelled at God many times asking him Why????? Of course I don’t get a reply, just silence that tries to fill the empty spaces both of these people left in me.

Anyways I was sitting here thinking of him and some of the times we’ve had and honestly, how badly I wish I could pick up the phone and call him.  To hear him tell me to buck up buttercup one more time, or to hear him ask me “Whose got your panties all bunched up this time?”.  To hear Mon Amour again…To hear him sing Journey “Send her my love” again..he was my best friend for decades and now he’s gone.  So I thought I’d share a memory of how great he could be, (I say could be because even though my memories may paint him a saint, he was far from it and could bring me to tears just as easily as he could laughter)…

 

It was 1997, after 22 hours of labor I gave birth via emergency c-section to my first child, my son Jonathan.  A week before he was born my then husband lifted some heavy crap and had to have an emergency hernia surgery so of course even though I was 9 1/2 months pregnant it became all about him and his needs and his pain.   BUT this isn’t a story about him so screw him!  A few hours after he was born my ex decided to go home w/ his mom and dad so he could get some rest (ya know cause sleeping in the recliner all night was taxing on him).. and I was left alone!  My doctor came in that evening and told me I would be staying for 4 days so just get comfy and try to get some rest while the baby was in the nursery.  I called my husband and asked when he would be back to see me, he said whenever I got out because he couldn’t drive yet and didn’t want his dad to have to drive him all the way to Clear Lake!!!  (Yeah.. see why he’s an ex now?)  Sitting in my room all alone with nobody celebrating my son’s birth or checking on me (my family was in Fla and it was too much for them to come see me) I started crying.  The next day I got to get up and walk around and everyone on the floor had flowers that filled their rooms, people cooing over their new bundles of joy and I was alone.  I got back into my bed and they brought my pride and joy to me and left us alone.  So I called Vince.  My voice quivering gave me away before I said anything more then hi.  He asked was the baby ok because he knew I was due any day and I told him yes and that I’d had surgery and was in the hospital and would be for a few more days and no one was coming to see me and I was lonely and just wanted to hear his voice.  We talked for about 30 minutes and when I hung up my heart hurt.  I wanted to be with him at that moment and I wanted that baby to be his, but I wasn’t and the baby’s father was too busy thinking of himself 30 miles away.

At around 4:30 that day my door opened and I expected it to be the nurse but to my complete surprise and joy it was Vince.  He’d hopped on a plane and flew to Houston to see me!  He asked if it was safe to come in and I said yeah, nobody would be there to see me.  He came in and picked up Jonathan and kissed him and kissed my cheek and told me how beautiful we both were.  He climbed into the bed with me and wrapped his arm around me and let me cry.  We talked and laughed until the night nurse came in to tell him that visiting hours were over.  I explained that he flew in to see me and nobody else was coming to see me and asked if he could stay.  She smiled and said yes, that she’d be my nurse that night anyways and nobody else would know.  He stayed with me all night and most of the next day before he had to leave and get home for work.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and to my surprise he showed up at the hospital when I had my daughter.  She was planned and I had already told him what day she’d be delivered and what hospital.  He sat in the waiting room until all my in laws left (I actually had people come see me with her) and came in and saw me.  He went with me to the NICU to see her and he kissed her cheek and told me she was perfect.  He left that day but we remained in contact.

Forward time a couple more years and I went in to have a hysterectomy.  It was at the same hospital as the one Shelby was born in, so he knew where and how to get there.  I had my surgery and got in a reg room several hours later.  I spent 4 days in the hospital with that one and on day 2 he showed up yet again, this time he stayed over night with me again.  We lied to the nurse (we called her nurse ballbuster cause she was horrible) and told her that he was my husband.  She didn’t know any better so screw her!  He walked the halls with me, helping me with the pain.  He told me I didn’t have to go back to the hell I was in, that I could grab the kids and go with him, but I couldn’t.  Timing was never our friend.

Some days I think about the last time I spent hours with him.. the last time I talked to him… the last time I hugged his neck… some days I think about how when I felt completely alone in the world he’d be there.  Some days I get so mad that he left me, other days I’m thankful he’s no longer in pain.  I know my husband isn’t overly fond of him, which is why I keep most of this in.. but I also know that he now understands that he was more then just a roll in the hay to me.. he was my friend.  I hope that Rob isn’t too upset with this blog down memory lane but I just felt like I needed to tell the stories.  Maybe I’ll tell more later on… I’ve already blogged about the food fight in Mc Donalds with him.. maybe I’ll tell you about the strip club, or the weekend getaways… maybe…

 

 

Jaded

So umm.. yeah.. yay me!  I survived Valentines Day, but not without a casualty.  I guess I should start from the beginning on explaining this to everyone.  I’m jaded.  I’ve been jaded for a very long time on a lot of things in this world because of a few stupid angry hurtful men, and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to shake the words and voices of the past.  My current husband has gone through great lengths to show me and prove to me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am and how to him I’m worth the world, and most days I know it but there a few days in the year that even with everything he’s done to help me make those bad voices go away… they still win.  And yesterday was on of those days.  Taking a step back and looking at it I see that I ruined his day.  I was selfish in my self hatred and that hurts him.  I don’t do it on purpose, and I really do work very hard at not doing that.. but yesterday I failed.  I’m like an alcoholic who has a 30 day chip and slips… I have to start over from scratch again.

Last week we went to Kohls to get him some very badly needed new work shoes and I decided to see if they had the Paula Deen pans (the red speckled ones) that I’ve been wanting for awhile.  We looked all over but couldn’t find hers, we found Rachel Ray and several other Food Network people but not hers.  My luck I know.  Well we left and I didn’t think anything else of it, but not my loving adoring husband.  Nope, he got on Amazon and bought them that day and surprised me with them a couple of days later.

LOVE these pans

LOVE these pans

Then a couple of days later (and in my defense I’ve been sick and cranky for days and this was at the onset of it) I was laying on the couch watching TV blowing my nose every 5 seconds when a commercial came on for Russell Stovers chocolates.. “If you really love her, you’d buy her Russell Stovers for Valentines Day” to which I said “If you loved me, you wouldn’t buy me Russell Stovers for Valentines Day” not really thinking about anything.  Rob goes “Why?” and I tell him I don’t like Russell Stovers, it’s waxy.  Then I asked him “Why, did you buy me Russell Stovers?” to which he replied, “yes” and brought out a big heart shaped box of chocolates.  I felt bad for him but it was kinda funny.  This show’s you how much he loves me and really does try to make me feel wanted and loved and worthy.

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Well as Valentines day approached I felt my mood slipping further and further down.  I tried to fight it.  I thanked Rob for the chocolates and told him he didn’t have to get me anything else, I really didn’t want anything else.  I know people are probably thinking.. Oh she wanted something, every woman wants something for VDay… but I truly did not want ANYTHING..  I just wanted the day to be over.  So I get to work yesterday (I’ve mentioned before I work with all men and now 1 woman) and no less then 20 guys made the comment “Where’s your flowers?” or “What.. you didn’t get any flowers today”… just really hammering in those already bad feelings I carry for that stupid holiday.  I just replied.. Nope because I didn’t feel like explaining to every single freaking person that my husband doesn’t need to buy me flowers and candy to prove his love for me he proves it every other day of the year…but by time I got home.. I was miserable in my own self wallowing.  I walked in and saw a dozen roses and a big bag on the table.  I opened it to find several different kinds of dark Chocolates.  I kissed him and thanked him and he told me that he had already told me he was going to replace the other chocolates.  I could tell by his body language that my mood ruined his day, but sometimes the weight of my own bullying on myself outweighs everyone else.

We sat on the bed last night and talked about several issue’s, to include neither of us being happy with our lives (I will say it’s not that we aren’t happy with each other just with everything in this world trying it’s hardest to pull us apart and ruin us for last 5 years is really showing the strains).  Tears fell, but in the end it felt better to get it out.  I fell asleep last night wrapped in his arms which was the best thing I could have gotten for Valentines Day.

Today I am a little better but I still hear the “Your not worthy” voices in my head.  I’m still fighting them, still trying to make them go away, I always will fight them no matter what.  But for today I feel like yesterday was a major test I had to take and now that it’s over I can breath a little better.  I asked my husband out on a date tonight so we are going to go out and enjoy each other’s company and try to shut the world out.

I want to publicly apologize to Robert Nelson for ruining his day, the day he tried to show me how much he loves me.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to apologize to myself for the mean horrible things I tell myself everyday, until then I’m glad that I have him to lean on.

Yay.. My first Guest Blogger!!!

Well.. today I put out the call for guest bloggers and YAY..It is Sophie from saved in drafts.  She’s full of lots of fun.. has a great blog, so you should really go check her out!  I’m so happy that she got to be my first!  🙂

 

Dear sleep

I miss our meetings, what was it that made us drift apart? Drift apart to the point where we can hardly stand to be together for more than a few hours at a time?

I feel like I took advantage of you, you’re right, I didn’t appreciate the time we had together and instead chose to avoid you in order to do more things for me- purely selfish I know- and I’m sorry. I’ve tried to change, I’ve tried to get us back on track but being with you again like that…it felt so forced and unnatural- it just felt…wrong. No matter how hard I tried you just couldn’t seem to let go of our rocky past…I just don’t know what else I can do. You need to accept the boundaries of our relationship. – no more nightmarish revenge, no more disappearing when I need you the most and likewise no more turning up unannounced.

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It’s really inappropriate for you to visit in the early hours of the morning and force yourself on me (oo-er) till lunchtime. Likewise it’s not fair for you to creep in on the odd afternoon and surprise me. I have a family to care for, I want to spend time with them, be with them and sleep when they sleep… Why can’t you let me do that? If you continue to act like this I will continue to fight you, I’ll fight to be with my family and I’ll fight for my health.

Sure, there have been times when they have come between us, times when they have dragged us apart due to their own issues with you…I know that hurt you, it hurt me too because those were the times I missed you so much and waiting to see you again the next night seemed to last forever.

I still miss you now, I’ve been hooking up with caffeine most mornings to try and ease the pain, to try and forget about you…but if I’m honest…

imagesNothing can replace you, I need you in my life. I feel weak without you, I’m snapping at the people I love… And I can’t concentrate on the simplest of tasks.

Can’t we put our differences behind us and get back to normal? Back to how things should be?

 

 

Oh how I can totally relate to how Sophie is feeling with this post… I am happy to say however that with the help of Percocets my bed and I have a wonderful relationship… but that stupid pain is jealous and continue’s to wake me up!!! GRrrr…  Great job Sophie!!!!! Love my first ever guest blog!!!  NOW.. WHOSE NEXT?