Assisted Suicide, Should it be Legal?

Now usually on my blog I try to keep things fun, or tasty (all those recipes I post).  On occasion I will rant about something that has just pissed me off enough that I’ve had to write about it, but generally it’s just fun stuff.  Today however I read and article on yahoo news about how Stephen Hawkings believes that assisted suicide should be legal everywhere, and frankly I agree with him.


Here is the article if you’d like to read it for yourself.

Now let me state that I know if you believe in God then you know committing suicide will damn you to an eternity in hell.  I also know that I personally could never do it myself simply because I fear hell too much, but.. and this is a big but!  I don’t live in such a state of pain and misery every day that I would consider this, so I can’t imagine what it is like.  I have daily pains, I have a bulging disk in my neck and frozen shoulder on the same side.  There are days where I am miserable, almost in tears because of the pain but it’s never so bad that I think I wish I could just end it all.  I have days were my depression and anxiety hits me so hard that sometimes I “think” it would be nice to just lay down and go to sleep and never wake up, but again I could not do it.

Saying all of that, I will never judge or damn anyone who lives in such intense misery and pain that they have made the choice to end it all.  I will simply pray for them and hope that God will be understanding of their decision.  I would like to see this become legal so that it can be done in such a way that is peaceful for the patient and their family members.  I think if you really thought about it you would agree that it would be so much better for someone to be in their own home, in their own bed, surrounded by family and friends, or alone if that’s what they preferred, hooked up to a machine that would give them enough medicine to stop their heart and their pain.  The alternative is someone trying to do it themselves.  Have you ever seen someone overdose on drugs?  I have, and it’s not pretty.  What about a gunshot wound to the head?  I’m sure the mess from that is pretty horrendous not to mention if they don’t do it correctly then they either spend months/years trying to recover from it or their last minutes/days are in a hospital connected to life support and in surgeries costing them and their family thousands of dollars.  If you stop to think about all the possible ways they could end their lives on their own and how many thousands of ways that could go wrong compared to doing it with a medical professional, then why would you ever not want to legalize this?

This is just my thoughts and opinions and I’m sure all of you have your own.  I’d like to hear what your thoughts on it are.


Maybe it wasn’t just a dream…

I was sitting in my living room, watching TV when the phone rang.  For some unknown reason I answered it, you see I don’t answer my phone because 9 times out of 10 its a bill collector and lets face it… they aren’t getting what they are calling for!  Anyways, I answered the phone and the voice on the other end took my breath away, made my heart stop for just a second.. I couldn’t talk.. I knew I must be dreaming when I heard her… “Hey baby, you coming to dinner tomorrow night?” she asked.  Oh how I wish I could hear my mom asks that question in reality.  “Yes ma’am” I said.. “We will be there by 2 tomorrow”…

The next thing I know we were at her house, oh the smells of her baking filled the nostrils making the stomach growl with anticipation.  I could almost taste the flaky cream puffs filled with chocolate pudding, the chocolate chip cookies, the country ham baking in the oven.  I walked in and noticed the Christmas Tree lit up in the front room, her snowmen all over it, the one’s I now own that darn my own tree.  I made my way into the kitchen, there she was standing with her cup of coffee as she was transferring the cookies from the cooling rack to the cookie jar.  Her smiled melted my seemingly frozen heart.  “Hey baby” she said as I almost broke out into a full force run to get to her.  She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell her, I felt her arms wrap around me, I could swear I felt her heart beating as hugged me tighter.  “Oh honey.. it’s okay.  I’m right here.  I’ve always been right here, I’ve never left you”.  We were no longer in her house but in a field.  It wasn’t winter, it was full of green green grass and flowers of all colors and Weeping Willows.  We sat in the tall grass and talked for what felt like hours.  I told her how much I’ve missed her, how hard things have become without her here.  I told her about failing myself and my kids and how honestly I sometimes wished it would just be over so I could be with her again, back in her arms knowing that everything will be okay.  She told me with a tear in her eye…”My baby girl.  You work so hard at trying to make it all perfect but your missing the point of it all.  You put so much on yourself that you’ve taken all your own happiness away.  I wish you didn’t worry so much, there’s no point in it.  You’ve been the one who has always borrowed trouble, and I’ve always wished that you wouldn’t.  You’ve never known a life without worry, without sorrow.  Being with me didn’t change that then and it wouldn’t change it now.  Please baby, look inside your own heart… see what you have accomplished in this life, see the good you’ve done, the children you’ve born and are raising.  See how hard you work and know it is not all in vain.  Learn to love yourself.  You offer so much to so many but nothing to yourself.  I am so proud of you.. proud to say your are my daughter, proud to say what a wonderful woman you grew into and what a wonderful loving mother you are.  Never ever forget that I love you”…  She hugged me one more time then said she had to go.


Estradeando… (Photo credit: Eduardo Amorim)

I begged her to stay but I knew she wouldn’t.  I knew that Heaven needed her back.  In my head that I knew that it was all a dream, but in my heart I know she was there.  She walked towards the brightest light, brighter then the sun but it didn’t hurt my eye’s.  She turned and waved to me, she blew me a kiss then she was gone.  I stood there alone in that wonderful place crying.. knowing she was gone again, just as quickly as the last time she left.  Will I see her again?  Hopefully.  Do I know she is still with me?  Yeah, I feel her still.  My heart is heavy today.. heavy with love and sorrow.  I’ve never missed anyone the way I miss her.  I love her more today then the day she died.

I’ve still angry that she left me so early but I know she is always with me… My only wish is that she would have been able to meet and hold her grandkids, and for them to know their grandmothers love.


Good morning my fellow bloggers… How are you this morning? Good.. ready for the end of the world tomorrow??? Yeah, me either..oh well.

So I figured today I would write and talk to you about the joy , um hell, no that’s not the right word either.. NIGHTMARE.. yes that will do, nightmare of living with someone who truly 100% wants the Zombie Apocalypse to start.

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbury Park NJ, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Seriously!  My husband, (if you don’t know him you should go read his Zombie Diaries at )  truly wants the Zombies to walk the Earth.  He loves Zombies.  He owns every Zombie movie made, he watches every Zombie movie/TV Show there is, yeah I watch them with him but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen, and owns a crap-load of Zombie books.  He even verbally raped my ears by forcing me to let him read me the first book in a series called the Zombie Fallout Series, (Mark Tufo is the author and he’s awesome.. I love his writing style, sarcastic like me.. check out his site too )

Zombie Fallout

Now luckily for him I enjoyed the book.  In fact I enjoyed it so much I read the next 4 in the series.  I’m currently holding off reading the latest one simply because my son has now read the series and wants to read this one, which would be okay but he refuses to do his homework and only wants to read and we’ve told him he can’t read this one until I do.  (I figured I’d let him read it over the Christmas break) I know, I’m mean.. so!

I try to understand the appeal of this impending doom happening.  I mean there are some bright sides to it.  I could finally go take a baseball bat to a couple of people that up until that point I will have held off the urge to do so.  Bitchzilla, oh yeah.. and if she hadn’t been bit yet.. I’d pull a Shane and shoot her ass in the knee so she could hold off the other Zombies while I escaped!  The ex.. oh how I would take my time on that one.. BAM.. this is for hitting me.. BAM.. this is for hitting our son.. BAM this is because your a lousy fuck.. ya know.. take out the 13 years of abuse on him.  See, I have thought about the “what if”.. HA, and y’all probably thought I wouldn’t get the what if in this blog!  I ALWAYS get the what if in.

Zombie trash the dress session with Orlando ph...

Zombie trash the dress session with Orlando photographer RIch Johnson (Photo credit: ~Rich Johnson~)

Now beyond that, absolutely nothing else appeals to me about this virus.  I mean if you think about it, EVERYONE you know is either dead, or living in fear of being eaten.  How is that a way to live?  Children have no childhood, I mean look at poor Carl in the Walking Dead, he had to witness his mother be given a C-Section with no Epidural or drugs of any kind, then he had to shoot her in the head so she wouldn’t change into one.  Poor guy, I cried for him that night.. SHUT UP, I KNOW IT WAS A TV SHOW.. but I could imagine that for real and it made me cry.  Another thing, the stench of death and decay everywhere you go.  Dead rotting bodies everywhere.  There are approximately 7 Billion people in this world.. that’s a lot of bodies laying around half eaten, decomposing or not laying around but walking around trying to eat you!  Then there is the living with the knowledge that every single person/animal on the planet is infected and that when you died.. you will come back and be one of those stinky fucks.  Do you want to live in a world where you have to have your children/loved one’s put a bullet in your head to keep you from turning?  How traumatic is that?  Why does anyone want to live like that?  I have no clue.  I’m terrified of it.  If it happens, I will probably take my own life and my kids just so we wouldn’t have to live like that.  My husband, God love his delusional soul, tells me he would protect us.  Great.. glad you think you can baby but lets see here.. you can’t walk down stairs without tremendous pain in your knee, you can’t run because of said knee.  You can’t walk up the 3 flights of stairs where we live without huffing and puffing so umm baby.. how are you going to out run a mob of hungry dead people?  Plus.. and here’s the biggie.. WE OWN NO GUNS.. AND ONLY 1 BASEBALL BAT!  No bow and arrows.. just some small kitchen knives.

So thank you anyways but no thank you.  I would prefer to not ever bear witness to the great Zombie Apocalypse.  I want no part of that life.  And I swear to God Robert!!!!  If it ever does happen.. I am truly blaming you.. it will be all your fault for wishing/dreaming/hoping and praying for it to happen!  Y’all really have no idea how hard it is living with someone who gets excited for this to happen.  He has our youngest daughter scared it’s going to happen, she’s even had nightmares about it. THANKS ALOT DAD!  Ugh!

Dear God.. Are you there?

If I could write God a letter and put it in the mail and know that he would get it… this is how it would read.

Dear God (XTC song)

Dear God (XTC song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)



Dear God,

Are you there God?  I ask because honestly I have felt like you weren’t there lately.  I know you are a very busy being God.  You have billions of people that you have to listen too everyday.  You have prayers for healing, money, revenge, love, just to name a few coming in by the trillions a minute I am sure.  I cant even comprehend all that you are and do, for I am merely human but I do know that I could not handle a fraction of what you do.  You are the father to so many spoiled children who asks for things that they do not need but want and then they throw fits and scream and yell because they don’t get them.  I know because I have done this myself at some point in my life.  Anyways my point was I know you are busy, super busy but I need to borrow just a moment of your time if I can.

My faith in you and humanity are slipping and I feel the Devil is winning in this war that is my life.  I found myself telling someone the other day “Do not pray for me because those prayers are ignored.  Just pray for my kids and my husband, they are more important then me anyways” and sadly I meant it.  I just don’t know what to do God.  You created me and you know that I have severe trust issue’s, you’ve seen all I’ve been through to create those issues so I’m sure your aware that yes, even though I know you are all knowing and all loving that I still find myself unable to trust in you 100% too.  I am sorry for that, and I know it hurts your heart to read it, it hurts mine to write it but I need too.  I need to get it out.  How do I trust?  I don’t know how and nobody can tell me the steps to get to trust.  I guess it all started w/ my dad.  He was taken from me at such a young age it made it hard for me to trust that any man would be there for me after that.  I don’t know but it sounds good on paper.

Lord, over the last 15 years or so I feel that everyday has been a test that I have failed miserable.  I’ve had to fight for everything I’ve gotten, not just work hard for it but literally fight.  Why do you think I am so strong?  What is it in me that I don’t see that you do?  I was talking to Rob last night and we were discussing me being angry all the time and I started telling him how I don’t know how to be anything but angry.  Every time I’ve put my faith in someone they’ve hurt me, some to the point of no return others not as harsh.  You’ve called my dad to heaven, my mother, all of my grandparents, 3 of my unborn children and I feel like I’ve been abandoned here on Earth by most of my remaining family.  I do have friends who are always there for me to cry too, but they are struggling themselves so much that I hate to burden them with my fears and worries.  I don’t want to add to theirs. I cannot discuss things with Rob because things have gotten so bad for us now that he has admitted to me that he has lost all faith.  The courts have destroyed him financially even though the law should have been on our side.  His ex wife is trying to make him homeless as punishment for divorcing her, but she does it all in the name of  You.  She continues to win even though she is the law breaker which just makes it even harder for him to have faith or even believe in you anymore.  Everyday it seems as though Barbara-Sue comes up with a new scheme to steal more money from him or some new company that he hasn’t been able to pay on because of her is now taking legal actions against him.  He is going to be out of work in less than 2 months and his fear is rising.  His health is getting worse, his shakes are becoming uncontrollable, his depression is deepening, he can’t sleep anymore, his stomach is so tore up he throws up everyday of his life.  It feels as though no one here seems to care the toll it’s taking on him, the courts only care that he be the example for all the dead beat dads out there, even though he is not a dead beat dad himself.

We are drowning God and even though I’ve been taught that it is these times you carry your children I don’t feel it.  My legs are tired from no rest, my shoulders are tired from carrying the weight of the world, my brain is tired from never shutting off.  My body is wearing out from the surgeries and stress.  Where are you God?  I’ve prayed and prayed to you.  I’ve begged and cried, I’ve screamed and yelled, I’ve sat in silence trying to hear your voice.  On occasion I hear you ever so slightly but it is so faint that I can’t make it out.  God I’m scared.  My husband is giving up on you, on me on life.  I am running out of strength and faith.  My kids are becoming more and more pessimistic.   I am failing everything, you, him, them… Please God.  Don’t let the Devil win my soul.  Just show me what I have to do to make it all better.  Everything I’m doing now is wrong.  I’m working harder and harder and it’s making it worse and worse.  I’m ready to be able to breath without fear, love without hesitation, live without anger.

Your very sad and lonely daughter….