My goal for Old Age!

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Hey Baby.. Hershey Makes a Million kisses a day..All I’m Asking For is 1 From You!

If your old enough to date then I’m sure you’ve either heard some kind of corny pick up line, or you possibly used one on someone in hopes to score a number from them.  I know I have, both of them that is.  I’ve heard every corny line out there and yes… I’ve even tried one or two out in my day.  Thank God I’m married now and don’t have to resort to them anymore.

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Sometimes the pick up lines are so very corny that they make you laugh, which in turn breaks the ice and usually ends up in a conversation with the person.  Other times the delivery is so off that you just kinda smack your teeth with your tongue and kinda step away from the offender in hopes that the realize how stupid they just sounded and proceed to melt into the floor and just go away.  Then you have those other times… you know where I am going here.. those other times that is just so wrong on so many levels your not sure if you want to run screaming from them because you fear they are about to chloroform you and then turn your bones into wind chimes, or just smack them upside their head.  Hard.  With a brick.  Several times, just to make sure they got the point to never ever try that line again.  Yup, I’ve had a few of those too.

 

I figured I would share a couple that I have either heard or used.. I’m talking about the really bad ones.. either super corny or super creepy.  I’d love to hear what your worst of the worst one(s) were… so comment and let me hear em.

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So for my really corny one.. this is one that I used personally.  As you all know, well you should if you follow my blog at all.. I have a real soft spot for anyone in uniform.  I don’t mean like a US Postal Service uniform (them blue shorts just don’t do it for me).. I’m talking Military.. Police.. ya know.. the one’s with authority of some sort.  So one time my bestie and I were in a bar.. Oh Tequila.. how it always made me know no fear… Anyways.. we were sitting at the bar drinking, laughing, checking the guys out.. when in walks 2 very fine uniformed men.  I couldn’t help myself.. I downed the shot, lifted the girls up in the bra some and sashayed over to the military hotties with my girl beside me.. and said to them.. “Ya know.. you should get your money back.”.. They asked why of course, so I replied “because the camouflage didn’t work.  We can still see you”… and we laughed… and they walked away.. and me and my bestie kept laughing.. and drinking.. good times.

Now in my line of work I will tell you that I’ve heard every pick up line possible.. from the very corny to the extremely clever and cute to the down right offensive one’s.  The very worst one I have ever heard was one of the guys here started chatting with me about my kids.  “Oh, you have kids?  How old are they?” he asked… me loving to brag about my babies said “Well he’s 15, she’s 10”.. he replies “Oh come on now.. you don’t look old enough to have kids that old.. Do you have any pictures of them?”.. me still not expecting anything bad out of this conversation says “Yeah.. would you like to see them?”.. he says “yes”.. so I show him the pictures and then I ask him “Do you have kids?”.. he says “Yeah.. you wanna see them?”.. I say “Sure”.. so he takes out his phone.. opens up his photo’s… and lets just say it was a picture of his “future” kids.. if ya get my drift… of course I told him off.. told him to leave my counter and don’t come back.  He thought it was funny.. All I could think of was “Is there really a female out there that would look at that picture and think.. oh yeah.. I wanna get on that!”.. if so.. she’s very sad.. has very low self esteem and should seek counseling.

 

So tell me.. what’s your best/worst.

 

Where Is My Apartment In The Sky?

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If you grew up in the 70’s and 80’s you were promised a future like the Jetson’s.  I remember sitting in my 3rd grade English class, Mrs. Phillips was my teacher and she was telling us how when we were our parents age we would live in this wondrous world.  We would have flying cars, and robot maids and everything could be done by pushing a button.  Now I realize what do live in a time that you can push the buttons on your phone to order a pizza or whatever but that’s not the same thing.  We were supposed to be able to live in a high rise way up in the clouds, push a button and have a 7 course meal in front of us in 5 seconds!  Our cars were going to fold up to a briefcase alleviating need for parking spots.   WHERE ARE MY FLYING CARS?  WHERE IS MY ROBOT MAID?  WHERE IS MY 7 COURSE MEAL AT A TOUCH OF BUTTON?  I’m past the age my mom was then… They lied to us.. those assholes!

Things about Snow I never Knew

I was born in South Florida and lived in that state until I was 23 years old.  When I moved I ended up in South East Texas where the weather was pretty much the same, so I really never knew anything about snow other then what I saw on TV or in the Movies.. and frankly they didn’t prepare me all that much!  So here’s my list of things I didn’t know..

5) Sure, snow is pretty to watch when it’s falling and when it’s fresh on the ground… it’s so white and pure looking.. but what the movies never told me was just how nasty it looks after it’s been plowed and around for a day or so..

Not too pretty, huh!

Not too pretty, huh!

 

4) It doesn’t have to be 32 or below to snow.. in fact, it seems to snow more when it’s closer to 40 then below 32.  At least here in Northern VA.

3) People turn into lazy assholes when it snows.. what do I mean?  Well they don’t scrap all that snow off their cars then drive down the road at 55 + miles per hour so that it flies off their cars and onto the other cars around them.  Try driving down the road and have snow/ice slam into your windshield at that rate of speed.. Coffee can’t wake you up as much as that will!

2) Snowball fights can hurt!  Oh sure on TV they are all laughing and having fun throwing those fluffy white balls of powder at each other.. and it’s all good… well in real life.. those white frozen balls of death hurt like hell when they slam into your face or any part of your body that isn’t insulated with layers of puffy clothes on!  This is not fun.. Not in the least!

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Yup.. this is me after being hit by one!

1)  And the number 1 thing I didn’t know about snow is.. just how much it sucks!  It’s cold.. it’s wet.. it gets everything muddy and icy and yucky!  Give me a hurricane anytime over this crap.   My Fla peeps are enjoying 80 degree’s weather right now.. and I am jealous..

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Oh.. and a bonus… making snowmen are not easy at all!  On TV they make these great big one’s.. and they just lift the balls up and put them on top so nice and neatly… umm.. those big balls of snow weigh a metric ton, not to mention they are freezing cold!!!!

This is what my snowmen usually turn out like..

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Let me be your “NO” friend…

So, my very best friend and I a few years back came up with this saying.. “I’ll be your NO friend”.  What it means is, we will tell you “No, that outfit does not look good on you”.. or “No.. your hair looks nappy, not cute”.. We will be honest and let you know that you do not match, you do not look cute, you are too old to be wearing that or too fat or too skinny.  Whatever the case is.  Now we will admit, we are not fashion designers, we do not know what next years trends are going to be and we don’t pretend to think we are perfect.. but.. We do know that we are truthful and would never let the other one leave the house looking like a hot mess either!  Here is an example of what I mean…

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Now I know for a fact that if I put this outfit on, she would first burst into hysterical laughter.. then after she composed herself, went pee cause if she didn’t she’d pee in her pants.. came back, laughed some more then composed herself again she would look at me and say.. “NO!”… This woman obviously doesn’t have a no friend in her life.  She either has “yes friends” who are scared to tell her no and just agree to anything and everything she does/says/wears or she has very cruel friends who told her yes she looked great in her outfit and then proceeded to let her go to Walmart looking like a hot ass mess and then took her picture to upload to PeopleofWalmart.com, (which btw is one of my all time fav sites).. I would have told her “No” for free.. I wouldn’t even charge a fee for this special case.  Let me give you another example.. shall I?  Yes.. I shall.

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This Hot Mess… yeah, I’m gonna have to charge her!  She has her layered top on, plus the hat.. plus the ugh boots.. but someone forgot to tell her that it is in fact winter and her garter belt style thigh highs weren’t good enough to take the place of pants!  Not to mention it was a blistery 35 yesterday.. that’s totally beside the point.. no.. the pleather shorts weren’t quite long enough to cover the top of the garter belt.. the best thing I can say about this poor creature is at least she’s hydrating properly with her bottle of water!

So now I’m seriously thinking that I should start my own business.  The “Let me be your NO friend” business.  For a small fee I will be the one who will tell you the truth!  I’m not a sales person who makes commission and tells you it looks fabulous just to make a buck.. I’m not your hater who will tell you it looks good to make you look bad.. I’m not your friend who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.. no.. I’m your NO employee!  I’m going to tell you straight up.. “NO.. YOU LOOK STUPID”… I’m going to save you that embarrassment when you  see the photo’s someone snapped of you and uploaded to FB and it’s THEN you realize how bad that outfit looked.  Never again will you find your mug on the PeopleofWalmart.com  site.. You won’t be the victim of people like me or my friend who will snap your picture without you knowing it to post on Facebook and make you part of our “Say something nice” game!  You will be safe and happy you paid for an honest opinion!

I can be all yours for $19.99!  ACT NOW and I’ll be happy to throw in a free “HELL NO” when you wanna go out clubbin w/ the girls!