The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

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Lacy’s Journal, On Sale Now

Every girl dreams of a picture perfect life: married to the man of their dreams, the perfect house, perfect job, and perfect children. What more could anyone want? Taken for granted by the man of her dreams of 17 years, 3 kids with activities that consume more time than expected, and a job that is just a job. Lacy wanted more. Enter Jackson, the police officer working the case at her office and is now the new security guard there. Jackson is everything her husband Craig isn’t: fun and attentive. It also doesn’t hurt he’s super sexy. Lacy sees Jackson as a friend, but is that how he sees her? Strange things start to happen that Lacy can’t explain-like her house and car being broken into and the feeling she’s being followed. It’s she being targeted? Why? Jackson vows to keep her safe but can he? Craig seems clueless, or is he? Jackson seems one step behind the stalker but can he be caught before something fatal happens?
Sex, lies, kidnapping and murder…a world in which Lacy never expected to take over her life.
Read the intimate thoughts of Lacy’s journal… the perfect life.

 

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On sale now on Amazon.com.. only $2.99

Lacy’s Journal News

Okay people.. so I’m currently in the beginning stages turning Lacy’s Journal into a full fledged book!!!  I’m hoping to have it written by the end of the year but I’m not going to promise that.  Y’all know me.. I get side tracked easily.. SQUIRREL!! see..lol

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In the meantime, I have copied all the entries from here on WordPress and I’m going to edit a little bit and then hopefully put it up for sale on Amazon!

 

Have a great day

Lacy’s Journal.. the final entry

Disclaimer (the following journal entries are all fictional, any resemblance to any person famous or otherwise is completely coincidental ).  Also contains X-Rated scenes.. if your EASILY offended.. do yourself a favor and leave this blog.. Thank you

 

It’s only fitting that the skies have opened up with tears of sorrow for those of us left behind to miss the beautiful Lacy.  Her funeral was simply beautiful, flowers from everywhere.. hundreds of people coming to say their final goodbyes, none of them knowing the true story behind it all.  I stayed in the back, out of sight… leaving Craig and the kids to be the focus of attention.  Only Deborah and Jenna acknowledging me, which was okay.  My heart is so completely broken I would much rather be alone anyways.

Craig looked so lonely sitting there in his wheelchair, having only a few hours pass from the hospital with a nurse by his side.  His kids huddling around him, all crying uncontrollably.  I wanted to reach out to him.. to them.. but I know it’s not my place.  I am a big part of the reason she is dead… and I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life.. which hopefully God will end sooner rather then later because a life without her is not a life worth living.

The grave side service was short because of the rain.  Again I stayed in the back, out of sight until everyone had left.  I walked over to her coffin and laid my head down on the top in the rain and let my tears wash over the coffin.  I would give anything I have to trade places with her.. she should be here to raise her kids, watch them grow and experience life… I should be the one in the ground..  She was needed and loved by many.. Life is so unfair.  The official cause of death was listed as blunt force trauma‘s to her head/chest.  Because of the blows she endured her lung collapsed and she slowly bleed out while waiting for help to arrive.  The doctors told me that she most likely fell into a deep sleep and never woke up, not knowing what was happening to her.  I don’t believe it.. I think she knew she was dying, that’s why she went to Craig… she did love him.. but I know she loved me too…  I will pray that she will come see me one day… I long to see her smile just one more time..

I’ve decided to give the journal to Craig.. I copied the pages I wanted to keep.. I will be mailing it to him when I leave.. I’ve put the house up for sale, I can’t go back there knowing that’s where she was taken from… I’m heading off to the Bahama’s first.. maybe enough rum down there will dull this pain…

 

Good bye Lacy… I will always love you… until we see each other again… xoxo

until we meet again

Lacy’s Journal

Disclaimer (the following journal entries are all fictional, any resemblance to any person famous or otherwise is completely coincidental ).  Also contains X-Rated scenes.. if your EASILY offended.. do yourself a favor and leave this blog.. Thank you

Tuesday-

My heart is broken… I am defeated.  Lacy was found today by two hikers.  They were out in a part of the woods that were searched but she wasn’t found then.  Her body beaten and bloodied and bruised, under some bushes, curled up in the fetal position.  From what we figured, she had been hit over the head initially and awoke later to more beatings… The autopsy will tell us exactly what she died from… but I can tell you that from the location she was found and where Tammie was found, she managed to walk/crawl almost a mile… the tears  haven’t stopped since I got home.  This is all my fault.. I threw Tammie away.. I didn’t know Shane was insane… I blew Beckie off… all of this is my fault.. the love of my life is dead because of me!!!!!  Three beautiful children are without a mother and have a father who has a long recovery ahead of him because of me…

jackson

I took it upon myself to be the one to tell Craig.   He broke down.. he aged years in mere seconds.. Lacy was the love of his life too.. and he will have to live with what he did that pushed her to me for the rest of his life.  I asked him if he wanted me to tell the kids but he said no, that he and his mom and dad would tell them.  He thanked me for being man enough to be the one to tell him… as I left I heard the sobs of a totally distraught man behind me.. triggering my own sobs, again…

The DNA test prove that I am the father of Tammie’s baby.  Another blow to my heart.  How can I love someone who came from the person who stole the love of my life away from me?  I just can’t.. I can’t.. I’ve decided to give up all parental rights to the baby.. I just can’t deal with him… not now.. probably not ever.

I am going to put in my notice.. If I couldn’t save her.. how can I stay on the force to try to protect others.. people I don’t even know? I just need to go away.. I think I’m gonna go to the Bahama’s.. stay in our get away bungalow.. and drink myself into oblivion..

Lacy’s Journal

Disclaimer (the following journal entries are all fictional, any resemblance to any person famous or otherwise is completely coincidental ).  Also contains X-Rated scenes.. if your EASILY offended.. do yourself a favor and leave this blog.. Thank you

 

Sunday-

The search has been officially called off.  It broke my heart to tell those 3 beautiful children that I failed them in protecting their mother and bringing her home safely to them.  Brianna yelled at me, calling me a bastard and a home wrecker, Derrick told me he hated me and would never ever forgive me.. lil bit… she just cried saying she wanted her mommy.  If I could have died right then I would have.. because honestly my heart died right there.

Craig told me that he didn’t blame me for anything and knows I tried everything to find her.  He asked me to keep in touch if anything is ever said or found about Lacy.  I told him I would never stop searching for her.. ever and when he is healed enough he is more then welcomed to search with me, but I know he has months if not years ahead of him of recovery.  The blow to his head has caused some brain damage, he has trouble with speech and it’s hard for him to move his left arm and hand.

I’m going to go give Beckie a visit.  I want to see if there is any place that she might not have thought about that Lacy could be… I swear Lacy..  I will never stop searching for you.. ever.

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Lacy’s Journal

Disclaimer (the following journal entries are all fictional, any resemblance to any person famous or otherwise is completely coincidental ).  Also contains X-Rated scenes.. if your EASILY offended.. do yourself a favor and leave this blog.. Thank you

 

Friday

As a police officer I know that time is not our friend and frankly.. time is running out. I fear this will be a recovery instead of a rescue.  There have been no leads, no tips no nothing.  Its as though Lacy just vanished. I stopped in to see Craig last night, I know I’m the last person he wanted to see but that was too bad.  I felt that I needed to tell him everything and to ask him why he believes we are too late.  At first he was standoffish towards me but then he did something I wasn’t expecting… he started crying.  He is still having trouble with his speech but he told me that she came to him.. she told him goodbye and that she forgave him and loved him with all of her heart.  He said that he didn’t blame me for falling in love with her.. that was the easiest thing in the world to do.

I stood there talking to the love of my life’s husband and felt bad.. bad for him for everything he’s lost or is loosing.. bad for me for falling in love with someone who I really don’t think could ever love me the way she does him.. bad for their kids.. just bad. I told him I would do my best to find her and bring her back… but I couldn’t say back to him..  I don’t want her to go back to him.. I want her with me.  I love her.. I love you Lacy..

I’m heading back out to the search party.  The chief told me they are giving it 1 more day before they call the search off.. I however will never stop searching for her.. ever..

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