Can I Just Freak Out Now?

So I posted a blog a few weeks ago telling y’all how I’ve had to quit working because of medical reasons, and how that’s driving me insane.  I hate not working, I hate not bringing in a paycheck.  I’ve filed for disability but lord only knows how long that is going to take.   I’ve heard it can take years to be approved.  So I’ve been keeping myself busy (painting in case you couldn’t tell) trying very hard not to stress about the financial situation ahead of us.  My wonderful sister even set up a GoFundMe page to try to help us out, http://www.gofundme.com/l15zms. I’ve tried very hard to try to not stress so that I can heal from this latest surgery… then today I see this..

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/national-international/294436351.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_DCBrand

 

Why would this stress me out???? Because my husband works for Homeland Security.  Up until just a few minutes ago they had until Midnight to decide or there would be no funding for them, which means no paychecks.  They’ve now passed a “week long bill” to give them more time to work on it which is good, but not great.  We are not out of the woods.  If they don’t reach a budget we will become a no income family!  Needless to say my stress level is through the roof!  I have to try to not think too much on it.. but we all know me and we know that’s not going to happen.  I’m already not sleeping at night thinking about everything else, what’s one more thing? Right?

 

stress3

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

images (2)

 

 

So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

Finally.. Truth in Advertising

I came across this story on Yahoo News this morning.  First let me say that all day yesterday I had the song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in my head and I couldn’t get it out.  I don’t know why, I haven’t seen the movie in awhile but I walked around singing it all day.  So when I clicked on this ad today and watched the 3 minute video and that song was playing.. well.. wow.. coincidence?  I think not!  Yesterday my brain was preparing me for today!

I absolutely HATE fast food.  I hate that it tastes good when your starving and is so quick and simple to get.  I truly  hate McDonalds.  The only thing I will eat from there is their fries and their apple or pumpkin pies.  The rest of the food is disgusting and I try to tell people constantly that they are eating stuff that isn’t real food.  Yeah, I’m that person!  I’ve gotten so bad that the other day we took the kids to eat at Cheesecake Factory and there were these gnats all over the place (it was gross to me) but my daughter goes.. “Hey mom.. they must serve real food here because they have gnats… and you said places like McDonalds doesn’t serve real food and you know that because you’ll never see bugs eating their food”… yup.. I’m tryin to teach her but she still throws fits for their chicken nuggets.

Anyways.. back to my intent of this post… this ad tells the viewer EXACTLY what is going on in the fast food world.  Pay attention people.

http://games.yahoo.com/blogs/plugged-in/trailer-chipotle-mobile-game-mesmerizing-215203972.html

 

Why do you think cancer has escalated so much over the last 40 yrs?  Why do you think our young girls are blossoming and menstruating younger and younger?  WE ARE WHAT WE EAT!!!

 

 

I’ve given into peer pressure.. I’m on Instagram now..

Come see what I posts… You’ll never know as I’m always taking pictures of random stuff..lol

 

http://

<!–
.ig-b- { display: inline-block; } .ig-b- img { visibility: hidden; } .ig-b-:hover { background-position: 0 -60px; } .ig-b-:active { background-position: 0 -120px; } .ig-b-v-24 { width: 137px; height: 24px; background: url(//badges.instagram.com/static/images/ig-badge-view-sprite-24.png) no-repeat 0 0; } @media only screen and (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2), only screen and (min–moz-device-pixel-ratio: 2), only screen and (-o-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2 / 1), only screen and (min-device-pixel-ratio: 2), only screen and (min-resolution: 192dpi), only screen and (min-resolution: 2dppx) { .ig-b-v-24 { background-image: url(//badges.instagram.com/static/images/ig-badge-view-sprite-24@2x.png); background-size: 160px 178px; } }
–>Instagram

A New Chapter

So if you follow me, and I think maybe 4 or 5 of you do… then you know I’ve been completely miserable in where I lived for the last 3 years.  I truly lived in the ghetto, a place I’d never thought I would have been subjected to living in, more or less raise my children there.  I know, your probably thinking, c’mon Shanny, it can’t be that bad.. Well it was..it was so bad that the po po didn’t even come into the complex… and if they did, they did nothing.  Example, one night the security guard (joke of a guard) found a homeless man living in one of the laundry rooms, and he had built himself a meth lab.  He called the police and when they showed up the guy said it wasn’t his, so the cops told the security guard “Well, he says it’s not his” and let the guy go and left the the lab stuff there.. yeah.. it was that bad.

Well a little over a month ago my neighbors were wrongfully evicted (the office manager has a vendetta to get the law abiding citizens out of the complex and fill it with those who won’t ever complain about anything because they don’t want any attention brought on them) and when that happened all hell broke loose.  Everyone started comparing notes with each other and we found out that we were on her list to be evicted because we were one of the families who did complain about the roaches, the mold, the mildew, the crime, the parking issue’s.. all of it, and she didn’t want that.  So our neighbors found this apartment complex that was running a special on a 4 bedroom apartment and we decided to go check it out.  I was terrified that we were going to be evicted and have no where to go but also terrified that we wouldn’t have enough money to move on… but I think God finally showed a little compassion to us and lit the way for us to see how to get out..

Fast forward a month later and we are now moved into our new 4 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment in a complex that has a tennis court, a basketball court, 12 playgrounds and an Olympic sized pool with a wave pool being built.  It’s only 1/2 mile or so down the road from where we were living but oh what a difference does that little distance make!  When you pull in it’s a total different atmosphere.  It doesn’t feel oppressed or angry, there is 24 hour security, 24 hour maintenance and it’s guaranteed your issue will be resolved within 24 hours of the order being submitted, which we’ve already found that out because our air went out one night and the guy came out at midnight to fix it!  The tenants are all nice and say hi to you or strike up conversations with you when you walk by, there’s no foul mouth 5 year olds outside cussing up a blue streak, there are no teenagers running in gangs terrorizing everyone… it’s heaven!

So now that we’ve moved, and a new chapter is starting in our lives.. I will promise to pick up on my blogging and start posting more.  Love you guys, miss you guys and glad to be back starting in this new life.. 🙂

Write your 17 year old self a letter…

 

So I heard this song today by Brad Paisley and it made me think of this blog.  If you could write your 17 year old self a letter, what would you tell yourself?  Would you make any big changes or would you live you life the same way again?

If I could write my 17 year old self I would tell me a lot.  I’d tell myself to not be a chicken and get on that plane.  Have an adventure, learn a new language, get my degree and stop hating myself so much.  I would let myself know that I deserve so much more then I thought I did and to NOT go into that bar on April 20, 1991.