The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

Date Night

My husband and I try to always make time for each other and aim to have a date night at least a couple of times a month.  Sometimes our schedules get in the way the most we can do is meet at our favorite place, have a couple of drinks after work before we head home to make the dinners, feed the kids, do the homework, the housework, the laundry.. and everything else.  It’s good for couples to continue to date each other, for when they stop that’s when the romance dies, and the problems start.  Or if you already have problems, it just makes it worse.

Well lately I’ve been wanting to spice up or dates.  We don’t have a lot of money so we really can’t go to a lot of new and exciting places, and with having kids we can’t go rent a hotel room for the night somewhere and just do whatever.  So I got to thinking, what can I do that will really make his head spin, then I remembered how he reacted to the costume wig I wore on Halloween.  He kept saying.. “I feel like I”m cheating on my wife” every time he looked at me, and he couldn’t keep his eye’s off of me the whole time.  So I got to thinking.. why not let him “cheat” on me, with me?  So I bought an outfit that was out of my comfort zone, well for the most part.  I did wear jeans but only because it was cold and I don’t wanna freeze all night.  Normally I’m a jeans and T-Shirt kinda gal so I decided to go kinda biker rocker chick.

So here is my before picture…

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This is me.. mild mannered (okay if you know me you can stop laughing now).. coffee guzzling mom of 2.  I love my tank’s and I love my jeans and I love my flip flops/sandals…  Now after a little dolling up, some darker make up and some new hair.. here’s the woman my husband got to cheat on me with.

 

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Now I’m by no means someone who should give marital advice, I mean I’m a 3 time bride… but I will say my husband loved this!  He was so proud to show me off all night… he kept giving me that look and telling me how hot I looked.  He couldn’t keep his eye’s off of me, or his hands.  He loved the looks I was getting from the other guys in the bar.  It was so worth the itchy hot wig on my head!

I highly suggest anyone in a long term relationship try this!  It’s so much fun to be someone else for a little while.

5 Tips on What to do when your marriage is in trouble.

Since my husband and I got married in 2009 it seems everything in the world has been against us and trying to rip us apart, finances being the biggest issue of all.  Coming into this marriage I already knew that he had financial obligations to his ex wife and would for 10 yrs, but then when he retired from serving 20 years in the Air Force he couldn’t find a job anywhere.  While he was out of work his ungrateful greedy ex wife (who was still getting half his retirement every month) threw all of those obligations into the court system and our lives into hell.  So now he has enough in arrears that he’ll be paying her another year in addition, maybe more and it’s even harder for me to see that light at the end of the tunnel.  

Another problem we have faced is trying to have a blended family, especially when some of the kids are only around a few weeks in the summer and a couple of days during Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Because of the distance and time constraints I’ve never been seen as my step kids step mother, only their fathers new wife and honestly, it’s set up boundaries and walls that will probably never be broken down.  I would have liked to have been more to them, but it’s just not going to happen and I have accepted that.  I would have liked for my own kids to bond with them and have them feel like they inherited 2 more sisters and a brother, but that won’t happen either.  I would have liked for my kids to truly see my husband as a dad, and to a extent they do but with the differences in all of us I am seeing that won’t be a possibility either.  My husband and his kids are very quiet and introverts whereas my kids and I, well we are very vocal, very passionate and very outspoken extroverts.  So it’s kinda like oil and water in our home.  My husband doesn’t understand how children can be so loud and question everything and we can’t understand how people can be so quiet follow the crowd so easily with no questions.  It’s maddening.  

So this last year has been extremely tough on us all, so much so I’ve gotten to the point of almost just packing up and leaving several times and I’m sure my husband has a time or two where he’s thought why freaking bother anymore.  It’s not where we want to be and it’s not where we want our lives to be.  We do love each other and we are committed to doing every thing we can to make this work.. but sometimes at least for me I find myself asking if love is enough.  So when I start thinking like this it never seems to fail that I come across a quote or a story that makes me rethink whats going on in my head.  This was the case the other day when I came across the following article.

http://davewillis.org/5-things-to-do-when-your-marriage-is-in-trouble/

1. Confess everything.

You’ll only get through this tough season if you move forward with complete and total honesty and transparency. Be willing to humbly admit fault and seek forgiveness for every past and present breach of trust. Hold nothing back.

I have a real problem doing this one, because sometimes the things I should tell him I know will hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him.. now I’m not talking about anything like I’ve cheated because I haven’t.  I’m talking about things like, I’m truly not happy.  I know this hurts him because he does try so hard to make me happy.  I guess according to this I need to work on it.  Work on relaying my feelings the correct way, not mean like I have a tendency to do. 

 

2. Recognize the difference between Forgiveness and Trust. 

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. If your spouse has broken your trust or you have broken theirs, forgiveness should be given instantly because grace can’t be earned, but trust has to be earned and it can only be earned slowly through consistency of action. Fight the urge to punish each other. For more on this, please watch our free video resource How to build intimacy and trust in marriage.

Ahhh forgiveness… this is something that has escaped me my whole life.  There have only been a select few who have received my forgiveness and even those had to wait years to get it.  I have worked on being better at this and I still do work at it.  I will say I have forgiven my husband on several occasions so he is one of the lucky ones.  Now saying that.. I do forgive, but I will never forget.. ever.  did I mention ever? My worse problem is I do fight to hurt.  I’ve been hurt so much in my life that its instinctual for me to fight this way.  I am working on changing that, but it will take time, and I’m willing to be a lot of time.  

3. Be VERY careful where you get advice.

When your marriage is in crisis, everyone is going to have opinions about what you should do next. Choose up front to only listen to people who love you, love your spouse and love God. If they’re missing any part of that list, their advice will not be balanced with wisdom.

This is a fantastic piece of advice.  I have so many well meaning friends, people who really do love me and only want the best for me but their advice is always.. “You don’t need him.. you need to leave him and move away!”.  I can’t remember having 1 person tell me any advice to really try to work it out.. I know none have said “You need to stay and work things out” In today’s world its really become rather easy to just walk away from relationships.  There’s always someone else who will be interested and honestly, we have progressed to a point that we don’t have to stay and put up with anything if we don’t want too… but in doing so we are losing so much more… and I’m seeing that now.  

 

4. Get help.

When our car is broken, we don’t have a problem taking it to a mechanic and when our arm is broken, we don’t have a problem going to a doctor, but for some reason, when our marriage is broken, we think we need to figure it out on our own. There are great resources out there, so take advantage of them!  Making those investments into your marriage will pay off huge dividends. A great place to start is SaveMyMarriage.com.

I would love to go to therapy with my husband, but sadly right now there is no money for it.. not if we want to have groceries for the kids and heat this winter.  😦

5. Don’t give up!

The road ahead won’t be easy, but your marriage is worth fighting for! Take it one day at a time, lean on each other, and trust God to take care of the rest.

I have divorced twice already, but both of those men were very abusive, mentally/verbally/physically and sexually .   For me, those marriages weren’t worth saving as neither of those men had any intention of every changing.  I stayed w/ my second husband for 10 yrs, enduring all the abuse he dished out hoping and praying it would change, but it only got worse and after the birth of our second child I saw just how bad it could get so I ran as fast as I could with my kids and did everything in the world to protect them from that abuse.  Now with my current husband, there isn’t any abuse like that, the only real problem we seem to have is being able to compromise one things.  He is military.. and dead set in his ways about things and when he feels something should be a certain way, you cannot change his mind at all.  Its a true battle. We have both finally seen that we both need to learn how to communicate differently, that our old ways aren’t working.

 

 

Over all I found these 5 tips were really simple things but really major things that can help any relationship.  I hope if you’ve taken the time to read this it has helped you in some way.  

Marriage

Marriage (Photo credit: Lel4nd)