The other night I was watching a paranormal show (yes I watch them) and the lady on was discussing different things and she said “Passive Suicide” is when someone has thoughts of dying but would never do anything to hurt themselves. I can’t explain the feelings that slammed into me when I heard this but it was like every light bulb came on at once and I wanted to scream out YES… THAT’S IT! You see, if you follow my blog you know already that I suffer from Bipolar and all that entails. I’m walking basket case that has learned how to somewhat keep it all together while in public but pretty much lose it when at home and especially when I’m alone. Those hours between night and day or the worst. I have anxiety disorder, anger displacement disorder, PTSD and Bipolar, I’m a blast at parties! For the most part I deal with all of it with sarcasm and humor. Even my therapist has told me more then once how hysterical I am and how she knows that the funnier I am being the worse off I am in my head.
Anyways, back to my original thought. Sorry I shoulda added ADD in there to. So apparently Passive Suicidal Ideation is when the thoughts of death go through the mind. Like thinking “I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up”. You’re in essence wishing to die but know you could never do something drastic like pulling the trigger or swallowing that bottle of pills. I have these thoughts often, more often then I’ll ever admit to anyone. Sometimes when I’m driving over a bridge or high over pass I’ll have a day dream of going over the side and smiling as I knew the pain would soon be over, but I never act on it. I know too many would be so upset if I did so I put my mask of false bravado on and go through the motions of getting through the days.
Some days are better then others. Not every day is bad, and not every day is a time of wishing for death. Some days are all about living and watching those around you happy and healthy and enjoying life but being Bipolar means you never know when that mood will swing the other way. When I’m manic I am on top of the world and everything is great. I’m full of energy and ready to take on the world, I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof. The problem is I also cannot sleep for days which means when the crash finally comes it’s one of epic proportion. When I fall from the hilltop down into the valley there is literally nothing that can bring me out of it. I have to ride the wave until that wave reaches the hilltop again. During this time I find myself shrouded in the thoughts of death. I stare at my endless supply of pills the doctors keep throwing at me for the many different ailments I have that they can’t figure out and fix so they just throw a band-aide on it in hopes that it’ll shut me up. I have those day dreams of my car veering off the road and hitting a tree, or just going to sleep and having some kind of a massive heart attack and never waking up. Anything to stop the hurting and the pain. I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts, well not the only one I realize others with mental illness have these thoughts to but when I heard the name of it I was happy to know that it’s common enough that they named it. I mean, I’m not happy that enough people suffer from it that they named it but happy that I’m not even crazier then I already think that I am. Does that make sense?
Right now is a valley. Last week was an escape from reality. I was in NYC and there was no “normality” around me. I got to be someone else for a few days which was fantastic, but now that I’m home and my family has gone home and life is back to normal reality has set in and it fucking sucks! I’m stuck. Literally stuck. I can’t go anywhere or do anything because of financial reasons, I can’t get a job because of medical reasons, I can’t work on my book because of crappy equipment reasons, I can’t paint because I can’t afford the material to do so… you see… I’m stuck. I get to watch TV. I had planned on getting out and start walking and enjoying the sunshine and trying to help my hip but I had to have a Biopsy last Monday and they said “don’t get sweaty until this is healed up” so there goes that… stuck. and I hate it. So the thoughts are back. The logical side of my brain realizes this is the mental illness talking but the illogical side of my brain is telling that logical side to shut the hell up and the anger and hatred and self loathing is taking over. I hate being stuck, which makes me hate this life I live.. if that’s what you call what I do is living… I hate it all…and I want the pain to stop.. I want to disappear… just poof.. be gone.
I’m not writing this for your pity, I don’t want that. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want a “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have it so much better then some” lectures. I’m writing this to let people know and understand that mental illness isn’t always that person who goes on a shooting spree, or a serial killer, or even that really strange kid in high school that ended up committing suicide. Mental Illness is me.. it’s the estimated 57.7 million people in the USA who manage to make it through every day without hurting anyone except themselves. You may not know this or realize it but someone in your life, someone you are close to suffers from some form of mental illness. You’ll never know until they either lose their handle on life or they ask for help before that happens because we are excellent at hiding it when we need to.
Even though there is still a debate on whether or not Passive suicidal thoughts are as dangerous as “real” suicidal thoughts I will tell you from personal experience that they are. I know this because I have held the gun to my head and pulled the trigger (playing Russian Roulette) and I’ve taken the bottle of pills and had to have my stomach pumped. If the thoughts are there, the thoughts on how to carry it out are there to.
“An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older or about one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.”