Maybe it wasn’t just a dream…

I was sitting in my living room, watching TV when the phone rang.  For some unknown reason I answered it, you see I don’t answer my phone because 9 times out of 10 its a bill collector and lets face it… they aren’t getting what they are calling for!  Anyways, I answered the phone and the voice on the other end took my breath away, made my heart stop for just a second.. I couldn’t talk.. I knew I must be dreaming when I heard her… “Hey baby, you coming to dinner tomorrow night?” she asked.  Oh how I wish I could hear my mom asks that question in reality.  “Yes ma’am” I said.. “We will be there by 2 tomorrow”…

The next thing I know we were at her house, oh the smells of her baking filled the nostrils making the stomach growl with anticipation.  I could almost taste the flaky cream puffs filled with chocolate pudding, the chocolate chip cookies, the country ham baking in the oven.  I walked in and noticed the Christmas Tree lit up in the front room, her snowmen all over it, the one’s I now own that darn my own tree.  I made my way into the kitchen, there she was standing with her cup of coffee as she was transferring the cookies from the cooling rack to the cookie jar.  Her smiled melted my seemingly frozen heart.  “Hey baby” she said as I almost broke out into a full force run to get to her.  She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell her, I felt her arms wrap around me, I could swear I felt her heart beating as hugged me tighter.  “Oh honey.. it’s okay.  I’m right here.  I’ve always been right here, I’ve never left you”.  We were no longer in her house but in a field.  It wasn’t winter, it was full of green green grass and flowers of all colors and Weeping Willows.  We sat in the tall grass and talked for what felt like hours.  I told her how much I’ve missed her, how hard things have become without her here.  I told her about failing myself and my kids and how honestly I sometimes wished it would just be over so I could be with her again, back in her arms knowing that everything will be okay.  She told me with a tear in her eye…”My baby girl.  You work so hard at trying to make it all perfect but your missing the point of it all.  You put so much on yourself that you’ve taken all your own happiness away.  I wish you didn’t worry so much, there’s no point in it.  You’ve been the one who has always borrowed trouble, and I’ve always wished that you wouldn’t.  You’ve never known a life without worry, without sorrow.  Being with me didn’t change that then and it wouldn’t change it now.  Please baby, look inside your own heart… see what you have accomplished in this life, see the good you’ve done, the children you’ve born and are raising.  See how hard you work and know it is not all in vain.  Learn to love yourself.  You offer so much to so many but nothing to yourself.  I am so proud of you.. proud to say your are my daughter, proud to say what a wonderful woman you grew into and what a wonderful loving mother you are.  Never ever forget that I love you”…  She hugged me one more time then said she had to go.


Estradeando… (Photo credit: Eduardo Amorim)

I begged her to stay but I knew she wouldn’t.  I knew that Heaven needed her back.  In my head that I knew that it was all a dream, but in my heart I know she was there.  She walked towards the brightest light, brighter then the sun but it didn’t hurt my eye’s.  She turned and waved to me, she blew me a kiss then she was gone.  I stood there alone in that wonderful place crying.. knowing she was gone again, just as quickly as the last time she left.  Will I see her again?  Hopefully.  Do I know she is still with me?  Yeah, I feel her still.  My heart is heavy today.. heavy with love and sorrow.  I’ve never missed anyone the way I miss her.  I love her more today then the day she died.

I’ve still angry that she left me so early but I know she is always with me… My only wish is that she would have been able to meet and hold her grandkids, and for them to know their grandmothers love.


Dear God.. Are you there?

If I could write God a letter and put it in the mail and know that he would get it… this is how it would read.

Dear God (XTC song)

Dear God (XTC song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)



Dear God,

Are you there God?  I ask because honestly I have felt like you weren’t there lately.  I know you are a very busy being God.  You have billions of people that you have to listen too everyday.  You have prayers for healing, money, revenge, love, just to name a few coming in by the trillions a minute I am sure.  I cant even comprehend all that you are and do, for I am merely human but I do know that I could not handle a fraction of what you do.  You are the father to so many spoiled children who asks for things that they do not need but want and then they throw fits and scream and yell because they don’t get them.  I know because I have done this myself at some point in my life.  Anyways my point was I know you are busy, super busy but I need to borrow just a moment of your time if I can.

My faith in you and humanity are slipping and I feel the Devil is winning in this war that is my life.  I found myself telling someone the other day “Do not pray for me because those prayers are ignored.  Just pray for my kids and my husband, they are more important then me anyways” and sadly I meant it.  I just don’t know what to do God.  You created me and you know that I have severe trust issue’s, you’ve seen all I’ve been through to create those issues so I’m sure your aware that yes, even though I know you are all knowing and all loving that I still find myself unable to trust in you 100% too.  I am sorry for that, and I know it hurts your heart to read it, it hurts mine to write it but I need too.  I need to get it out.  How do I trust?  I don’t know how and nobody can tell me the steps to get to trust.  I guess it all started w/ my dad.  He was taken from me at such a young age it made it hard for me to trust that any man would be there for me after that.  I don’t know but it sounds good on paper.

Lord, over the last 15 years or so I feel that everyday has been a test that I have failed miserable.  I’ve had to fight for everything I’ve gotten, not just work hard for it but literally fight.  Why do you think I am so strong?  What is it in me that I don’t see that you do?  I was talking to Rob last night and we were discussing me being angry all the time and I started telling him how I don’t know how to be anything but angry.  Every time I’ve put my faith in someone they’ve hurt me, some to the point of no return others not as harsh.  You’ve called my dad to heaven, my mother, all of my grandparents, 3 of my unborn children and I feel like I’ve been abandoned here on Earth by most of my remaining family.  I do have friends who are always there for me to cry too, but they are struggling themselves so much that I hate to burden them with my fears and worries.  I don’t want to add to theirs. I cannot discuss things with Rob because things have gotten so bad for us now that he has admitted to me that he has lost all faith.  The courts have destroyed him financially even though the law should have been on our side.  His ex wife is trying to make him homeless as punishment for divorcing her, but she does it all in the name of  You.  She continues to win even though she is the law breaker which just makes it even harder for him to have faith or even believe in you anymore.  Everyday it seems as though Barbara-Sue comes up with a new scheme to steal more money from him or some new company that he hasn’t been able to pay on because of her is now taking legal actions against him.  He is going to be out of work in less than 2 months and his fear is rising.  His health is getting worse, his shakes are becoming uncontrollable, his depression is deepening, he can’t sleep anymore, his stomach is so tore up he throws up everyday of his life.  It feels as though no one here seems to care the toll it’s taking on him, the courts only care that he be the example for all the dead beat dads out there, even though he is not a dead beat dad himself.

We are drowning God and even though I’ve been taught that it is these times you carry your children I don’t feel it.  My legs are tired from no rest, my shoulders are tired from carrying the weight of the world, my brain is tired from never shutting off.  My body is wearing out from the surgeries and stress.  Where are you God?  I’ve prayed and prayed to you.  I’ve begged and cried, I’ve screamed and yelled, I’ve sat in silence trying to hear your voice.  On occasion I hear you ever so slightly but it is so faint that I can’t make it out.  God I’m scared.  My husband is giving up on you, on me on life.  I am running out of strength and faith.  My kids are becoming more and more pessimistic.   I am failing everything, you, him, them… Please God.  Don’t let the Devil win my soul.  Just show me what I have to do to make it all better.  Everything I’m doing now is wrong.  I’m working harder and harder and it’s making it worse and worse.  I’m ready to be able to breath without fear, love without hesitation, live without anger.

Your very sad and lonely daughter….