The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

Confessions of an Angry Heart

sad_heart_by_cats0448-d31d5f0I felt like it was time to confess some things.. to get the weight off my heart and shoulders because it has been weighing me down so much.  So here it is.. my confession

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1)  You’re always so angry-  False.  Anger is an emotion that stems from hurt or fear.  I have been hurt so many times and I live in fear of it happening again, because it always does.

2) You prefer to live angry –  again this is false.  I yearn to be happy, to be carefree and full of love.  I long for the days of knowing tears of joy instead of tears of pain.

3) You’re always so cold – False..  I am not cold, I am guarded.  I love deeply and because I do I hurt just as deeply.  I have been played with so many times that the walls are now up just to protect myself, not to be mean to anyone else.

4) You’re never happy –   This is partially true.  For me it’s scary to be happy because happiness never lasts.  Now for most people when something happens it kinda knocks them down for a little bit but then life straightens out and they get up and keep going.  For me, life doesn’t just knock me down a lil’.  It slams me to the ground then for shits and giggles it decides to stomp all over me, add a little salt to the wound and laugh at the tears that fall down my owners face.  This isn’t something that happened just once or twice, no it’s happened over and over again my entire beating life.  So now my owner stays weary of “blessings” because that signals to my friend the brain that something wicked this way comes.  It’s a learned response. 

5) You just want pity from people – FALSE.  I do not want nor need nor desire pity from anyone.  My owner is strong, she works hard to make her way in this world and doesn’t ask for handouts.  All she wants is for people to treat me the way she treats their hearts.  It’s really not to much to ask for, but for her it just doesn’t seem to happen.

6) You’re incapable of “real” love –  this one is false too.  I have known “real” love many times and in many forms.  I’m happiest when that love show’s the lighter side of it, but sadly, the darker side of it usually show’s itself sooner rather then later.  Sometimes I have been able to come back from that darker side a little warn for wear but still beating and still loving.. but most times I come out broken and battered and made that much more afraid of happiness.

 

My owner…she’s one of a kind.  She appears so strong to so many but I know her personally… she’s not as strong as they think anymore.. she’s tired, we’re tired.  She lays her head on her pillow at night and after she prays that all of her family and friends stay safe and healthy and the all return to her the next day.. she only asks for one thing for herself… for happiness…so you see.. she’s not angry… she lives in fear.  So the next time you think that she is just this angry person.. remind yourself that she only wants to smile…

 

 

 

10 Things You Should Never Ask A Man..

So this morning I read an article on Yahoo’s Shine site.  It was title 10 Sentences Never to Say to a Man.  Here’s the link if you’d like to read it for yourself.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-phrases-men-ballistic-134800143.html

 

I thought I’d touch on each one myself.

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1)  “I really don’t respect you”.

I can completely understand why you should never say this to a man, or a woman in any relationship.  Fact is if you have no respect your relationship is not a healthy one and you should probably either go to therapy to try to figure out where it all went south and work on correcting it, or get the hell out.  Life’s too short to be with someone who doesn’t respect you.

2) “Your tummy is so cute”….

Now in this article the guy says “call it what it is- a beer gut“.  Yeah I’m thinking that wouldn’t go over too well either.  Absolutely  nobody likes to have their flaws called out.  I know I have called my husband a teddy bear and he hated it.  I was trying to be nice and let him know that I loved him no matter what his tummy looks like.  Now I just don’t reference it at all.  I encourage him to work out and try not to say a word when he doesn’t.  I myself have gone through the steps to shed over a hundred pounds, I know how hard it is and I also know that if the other person doesn’t really want to do it, nothing you say will motivate them… so mum’s the word.

3) “I love when you get all mad”

Unless you are in the very early stages of your relationship and your probably 18 or 19, I doubt very seriously that any sane woman would ever say this!  I hate it when he gets all mad.  He’s a bulldog and when he gets mad I’m the one who has to hear it.. so yeah.. NO..

4)”He acts like such a baby when his team loses”

I’ve been lucky in my dating/married life and never really dated a “DIE HARD” fan.  I mean my current husband is a Steelers fan and even has a tattoo of them but does he watch every single game?  No.  Does he get all pissy and act like a big baby when they lose, no.  Which is good cause I’d have to put him in his place on it.  I have known both men and women who act like this and well.. get over it already.  It’s just a damn game.

5) “Do whatever you want”

I feel like this, if a woman has gotten to the point that she’s made enough to say these words.. well a) you’ve already screwed up and you know it and b) if you chose to do whatever you want I’m sure you already know that would be the wrong thing to do.  But your grown ass men so make your decision wisely.

6) “Do you think I actually believe you?”

Now, if this is an isolated incident like maybe there was 1 piece of Double Chocolate cake left and now it’s gone and there is only 2 of you living there and the other one is saying they didn’t eat it.. well that’s just funny that they’d try to lie about it… but if it’s something big like your not believing they were really at work or they weren’t talking up that girl then you have trust issue’s.  And without trust you have no relationship.

7)”Your just like your dad”

Well get over it, chances are you are just like your dad and you know it!  You men tells us all the time we are just like our moms.  Truth is we are our parents.  They raised us, taught us right from wrong, loved us.. why wouldn’t be like them?  Duh

8) “What do you think that was about?”

This one referred to the bedroom.  Maybe your man was a two pump chump that night, or worse didn’t even show up for the fun.  Fact is, at some point all men will have this problem, and ya know what?  We women have it too.  The only difference is you can’t see our problem like we can theirs.  If he doesn’t complete his stellar performance on occasion, cut him some slack.  We all get tired, we all get stressed and sometimes we agree to sex even when we don’t really feel like only to try and please our partner.  Now if it happens quite often you need to determine what the problem may be.  Is it medical?  Is it stress related?  Is it weight?  Is it that there is a personal issue between the two of you that you haven’t worked out yet?  Ask the tough questions and then take the correct steps to correct it.

9)”Should I call the emergency room and let them prepare?”

Really.. this is a question you should never ask a man?  Man, the male species apparently is thin skinned.  I’m willing to bet that if a woman is asking this question you’ve at some point shown that you may not be the best man to re-shingle the roof.  Maybe the last time you tried to fix the faucet it flooded the entire bathroom?  Yeah yeah, we all know and understand that men want to be the protector, the bread winner, the mr. fix-it’s.. but not all men are mechanically inclined, just like not all women are the best chefs/bakers.  I know some women who can’t boil water!!  So if she’s asking you this question, take it as the smart ass joke w/ the truth underlying in it and move on.  Buck up butter cup, she only has your best intentions at heart.

10) “Are you sure we can afford that?”

OKAY WOW.. this one is a HUGE thing in my home.  After reading what they said I can see where the wording of this question can be a little wrong but.. if you have someone who has the mind set of “Well, we get paid again next week” and can’t save a freaking dime.. then yeah.. sometimes you gotta be blunt.  Plus, if your going to go buy a big ticket item, you really should have done your homework BEFORE you went into the store.  Salespeople wait all day long for suckers who don’t.

 

Well, that’s my take on it, what’s yours?