The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

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The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting, session 2

Every2mins

 

    When I went back for my second session I had to read the letter I wrote out loud.  Normally I have no problem reading or speaking in front of anyone, or even large groups of people but this was harsh.  My throat was dry, my eye’s threatened to over flow and my hands shook.  My therapist asked “Why is this so hard for you to read aloud”.. my answer was simple “if I say it out loud then it’s all true and I can’t run from it anymore and I can’t hide from it anymore”.  I’ve talked about the rape before, to a few people, I’ve even blogged about it but that’s as far as it goes.  I’ve never delved into the feelings left behind, the aftermath.  Like telling a story that you’ve heard before, it’s just a story until you live it and then tell it.  Then it’s your soul.  As I read out loud all I could think of is how sad my life has been, how I’ve been betrayed and lied to to the point of believing it all.  Then I started to feel angry followed quickly by defeated.  I slumped in my chair and just sat there, listening to her talk to me about how I felt and what was going through my mind.  I wanted to crawl into that dark place in my mind that keeps me protected but she wouldn’t let that happen.  She made sure to force me to answer the questions, gently but she gave me no choice.  

   One of the things we talked about that day and previous sessions (but not in great detail) was what I refer to as Angry Shannon.  “Who is angry Shannon?”.  Well, she’s mean.  She will cut you down with words in an instant. She will rip your head off and chew up and spit it out.  She will shred your heart into a million pieces and will never bat an eye doing it.  She doesn’t cry and she gets angry when I try to cry.  I keep her pushed down and locked away.  She tries to come out every now and then but I fight her every step of the way.  “Why do you keep her locked up?”  Because if I let her out everyone will know that I’m a horrible person.  

Another one of the questions she asked was “If you had answered his question differently, do you think what happened would have still happened?”.  I thought for a moment and then answered “Yes”.  “Why” she asked.  “Because I deserved it”.  I heard myself say the words but my brain started screaming at me.  YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS!!!  But how do you convince yourself of that after you’ve believed for so long that you did deserve it?  I guess that’s something we will work on in future sessions. 

   We talked more and more about angry Shannon and when she would come out.  She asked very specific questions and I started to see where she was going with them.  Angry Shannon really isn’t angry, she’s protective.  She’s only ever out when my anxieties are through the roof and or my fear is rising.  She comes out to protect my body, my heart and my mind.  Looking back over the years she’s only ever come out when I needed the extra strength to get me though something.  This made me feel better.  I said something out loud I hadn’t let myself say ever, even to myself.  I really am a nice person who didn’t deserve the pain that I have endured.  That I only strike back when someone strikes at me first.  What I said to him did not warrant what he did to me and me fighting back didn’t mean I deserved more of it.  Maybe this is a step in the right direction.  Maybe one day I can look in the mirror and not see what I see now. 

 

    My homework for the next week was to write down some of my core values.  I thought about them every day.  I thought about how most people would say “I am nice” or “I am beautiful and smart”.. my list is completely different.  

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

 

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

Lets Talk About Sex Baby….

I guess I’m in a mood tonight but hey.. what the hell, right?  So lets talk about sex.. and the different kinds of sex.  No, not the different positions.. the different kinds… Lets make a list of the top 5 kinds of sex…(at least my top 5)

 

5.  My number five would be.. the forbidden sex.  Think about it.. when you were younger and sex was brand new to you.. and you were young and sex wasn’t allowed… (Unless you waited til marriage.. if you did.. your a stronger person then I was)… it was the forbidden fruit.. and once you got the taste of it…. oh man was it even sweeter!  Of course as I grew up “forbidden” took on a whole new meaning…. we’ll leave it at that..

 

4. Public Sex-… now this is a huge turn on.  The thrill of being seen/heard.. the fear of being caught..I have had public sex a few times in my life and each time was just WOW!!!!  If you’ve never had public sex, you should try it at least once in your life.

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3. Lazy day sex… ya know sometimes.. you just don’t want the gymnastics, or the props.. or the completely covered in sweat exertion.  Sometimes you want the big O with the least amount of physical labor.  I guess this is why they make vibrators.. just a few minutes.. bam.. it’s over and your relaxed.  Nap time!

2. Spontaneous sex… Women will defiantly know what I’m talking about here.  Sometimes you just want your partner to grab you.. kiss you.. strip you.. and devour you!  When your married and with kids, sex becomes something you have to schedule, and then pray your not too exhausted to do it… so when it’s out of the blue… it’s even more exciting!

1.  HOTEL SEX…Oh dear God how I love hotel sex!!!  It’s raw.. it’s pure energy.. it’s LOUD… there are no worries.. who cares if the people next to you can hear you.. you’ll never see them again.. if you even see them then.  And lets be honest.. when there is a Do Not Disturb Sign hanging on a door.. we all kinda automatically think that someone is having sex behind that door and we all kinda listen just a little to see if we hear them.. So I say.. let them hear me!

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Why do we want what we know we can’t have?

Have you ever noticed that the very MOMENT you realize you can’t have something, that’s when you want it?  I mean think about it.. You decide that you want to cut back on your food intake and maybe lose a few pounds.  You keep it to yourself and for a few days you do great.. then someone says “Hey.. I notice you’ve had small salads for lunch, are you dieting?”  So you answer “Yeah.. I figured it was time to go on a …dun dun dun… Diet”.. AND BAM.. you said the D word and even though you’ve been doing the exact same thing for days and have had no problem suddenly your starving to death.  Everything looks tasty and your stomach is screaming at you.. “FEED ME.. FEED ME SEYMOUR”..

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Same goes for other things as well, not just food.  If someone tells you that you can’t do something.. the first thought (at least for me) is ..”Oh yeah buddy.. just watch and see”.  My ex husband told me once when I was going to go out for a girls night out that I was not allowed to go out with this one girl.  Now I hadn’t planned on going out with her anyways but when he said “I put my foot down!! You are not ALLOWED to go out with her”.. boy… that changed everything for me.  Of course I invited her to go along afterwards and while he was going to go out that night to the races.. he ended up getting home by 10 that night because he had a “migraine”.. I didn’t get home til almost 4 am!  HAHAHAHAHA.. learned him..

I have found that this also goes for Sex… it’s kinda like oxygen.   You don’t’ really realize how much you want or need it until it’s gone.  The minute my husband tells me he’s scheduled to work the next 7 nights I know that we won’t see each other for a week, he works nights, I work days and we only see each other as I’m leaving for work and he’s going to bed or vice-versa, my libido goes through the roof!  If the wind blows I find myself able to light up a dark room.. if ya get my hint!  It’s then suddenly my 5 minute showers now last 20 or so.. tmi?? To bad!  You know your the same way… don’t judge!

So what is it about being told we can’t have something that makes us want it so much?  It’s maddening I tell you!  Anyways, what’s something that moment your told you can’t have is the exact moment your brain tells you that you must have it or you will die???

 

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Move Over Viagra…

So does your man need a little help every now and then?  Age catching up to him?  Life just a little too stressful?  All of that affecting your love life?  Well he could always get a prescription for Viagra.. I mean they are only like what. $20 a pill?  OR….He could eat a little dark chocolate.. it’s a heck of a lot cheaper and tastes better.. PLUS.. you could melt it down and use it during the adult play time!  Sounds like an awesome time to me.. Oh honey… here.. eat some of my dark chocolate before you come to bed..

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I always knew dark chocolate was the best thing ever..  here is the link to the whole story

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/344702/Bedroom-powers-boosted-by-a-chocolate-nibble

 

 

Anticipation….

IF YOUR EYE’S ARE OFFENDED EASILY.. DON’T BOTHER READING THIS.. THANK YOU

 

She stands there alone

left with her thoughts

she’s been very bad

and now she has to face him..

he’s ordered her to be in position

completely free of clothes…

nothing to hamper his punishment..

how long must she wait

the seconds feel like hours

the excitement rising

her sex swelling with desire.

this is not for her pleasure,

this is strictly for him

she wants to please him

to be corrected of her wrong doings

to be reminded he is in control

and his control is to protect and love her

she see’s where she’s let him down,

her head lowers

her eyes to the floor

she hears him come in

she dare not speak unless he allows her.

The anticipation of what is to come is overwhelming

her senses fired up

her wetness dangerously close to overflowing

“You will learn my pet, to trust in me”…

No more thinking.. only feeling.

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