So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day. I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode. I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday. I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them. Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch! Then I made dinner. I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed. Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode. I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect. I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal. I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment. By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired. I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.
From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated. I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes). She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people. I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before. She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain. I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.
If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now. One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy. How I crave the attention and approval of other men. I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!
We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires. I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age. It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for. How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways? Shouldn’t I not want sex? At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day? Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again! I just want my brain and body to work normally for once. Is that too much to ask for?
Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s. My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done. I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down. Until then…
If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them. There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!