The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

Let the games begin…

The other day I had a light bulb moment on what to blog about next..

Smiley face with a light above his head entitl...

Smiley face with a light above his head entitled Got an idea. Completely self-made. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It came to me after reading several comments on my blog and on my husbands blog.  Several people had mentioned how they love our back and forth banter with each other, which is not the first time this has been told to us.  Our friends on Facebook and way back when Myspace have always commented about it.  So I thought… hmmm.. maybe we should blog about what it’s like living with each other.  I mean.. he gets to live with me.. a wonderful, caring, loving, sexual extremely fired up sex kitten.  I have a great sense of humor, very charismatic and charming.. sarcastic yes but in a good way.  He has the wife every man dreams of.. I bake, I cook dinner and I’m always in the mood, even if I have a headache.  What more could a man ask for????

Now on the other side of this is him.. He is caring.. and loving.. and attentive.. he does the laundry (cause I refuse too..lol) and a all around nice guy.. not too shabby in sack BUT is very anal and very OCD which will drive a sane person crazy!  So come back maybe later today, maybe tomorrow and check out what each of us has to say about living with the other… 🙂

This should be interesting…

Zombie’s EVERYWHERE…

Good morning my fellow bloggers… How are you this morning? Good.. ready for the end of the world tomorrow??? Yeah, me either..oh well.

So I figured today I would write and talk to you about the joy , um hell, no that’s not the right word either.. NIGHTMARE.. yes that will do, nightmare of living with someone who truly 100% wants the Zombie Apocalypse to start.

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...

English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbury Park NJ, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Seriously!  My husband, (if you don’t know him you should go read his Zombie Diaries at http://radaronelson.wordpress.com/ )  truly wants the Zombies to walk the Earth.  He loves Zombies.  He owns every Zombie movie made, he watches every Zombie movie/TV Show there is, yeah I watch them with him but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen, and owns a crap-load of Zombie books.  He even verbally raped my ears by forcing me to let him read me the first book in a series called the Zombie Fallout Series, (Mark Tufo is the author and he’s awesome.. I love his writing style, sarcastic like me.. check out his site too http://www.marktufo.com/extras.html )

Zombie Fallout

Now luckily for him I enjoyed the book.  In fact I enjoyed it so much I read the next 4 in the series.  I’m currently holding off reading the latest one simply because my son has now read the series and wants to read this one, which would be okay but he refuses to do his homework and only wants to read and we’ve told him he can’t read this one until I do.  (I figured I’d let him read it over the Christmas break) I know, I’m mean.. so!

I try to understand the appeal of this impending doom happening.  I mean there are some bright sides to it.  I could finally go take a baseball bat to a couple of people that up until that point I will have held off the urge to do so.  Bitchzilla, oh yeah.. and if she hadn’t been bit yet.. I’d pull a Shane and shoot her ass in the knee so she could hold off the other Zombies while I escaped!  The ex.. oh how I would take my time on that one.. BAM.. this is for hitting me.. BAM.. this is for hitting our son.. BAM this is because your a lousy fuck.. ya know.. take out the 13 years of abuse on him.  See, I have thought about the “what if”.. HA, and y’all probably thought I wouldn’t get the what if in this blog!  I ALWAYS get the what if in.

Zombie trash the dress session with Orlando ph...

Zombie trash the dress session with Orlando photographer RIch Johnson (Photo credit: ~Rich Johnson~)

Now beyond that, absolutely nothing else appeals to me about this virus.  I mean if you think about it, EVERYONE you know is either dead, or living in fear of being eaten.  How is that a way to live?  Children have no childhood, I mean look at poor Carl in the Walking Dead, he had to witness his mother be given a C-Section with no Epidural or drugs of any kind, then he had to shoot her in the head so she wouldn’t change into one.  Poor guy, I cried for him that night.. SHUT UP, I KNOW IT WAS A TV SHOW.. but I could imagine that for real and it made me cry.  Another thing, the stench of death and decay everywhere you go.  Dead rotting bodies everywhere.  There are approximately 7 Billion people in this world.. that’s a lot of bodies laying around half eaten, decomposing or not laying around but walking around trying to eat you!  Then there is the living with the knowledge that every single person/animal on the planet is infected and that when you died.. you will come back and be one of those stinky fucks.  Do you want to live in a world where you have to have your children/loved one’s put a bullet in your head to keep you from turning?  How traumatic is that?  Why does anyone want to live like that?  I have no clue.  I’m terrified of it.  If it happens, I will probably take my own life and my kids just so we wouldn’t have to live like that.  My husband, God love his delusional soul, tells me he would protect us.  Great.. glad you think you can baby but lets see here.. you can’t walk down stairs without tremendous pain in your knee, you can’t run because of said knee.  You can’t walk up the 3 flights of stairs where we live without huffing and puffing so umm baby.. how are you going to out run a mob of hungry dead people?  Plus.. and here’s the biggie.. WE OWN NO GUNS.. AND ONLY 1 BASEBALL BAT!  No bow and arrows.. just some small kitchen knives.

So thank you anyways but no thank you.  I would prefer to not ever bear witness to the great Zombie Apocalypse.  I want no part of that life.  And I swear to God Robert!!!!  If it ever does happen.. I am truly blaming you.. it will be all your fault for wishing/dreaming/hoping and praying for it to happen!  Y’all really have no idea how hard it is living with someone who gets excited for this to happen.  He has our youngest daughter scared it’s going to happen, she’s even had nightmares about it. THANKS ALOT DAD!  Ugh!

Don’t call me a slut!

Today I picked up my baby girl from Tae Kwon Do and noticed she has a small bruise on her nose.. I asked what happened and she tells me the story of being hit by some bamboo (she hit herself) then goes.. “and don’t call me a SLUT or CLUMSY cause I hit my nose”…WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  my jaw hit the floor.. I asked “Why would I call you a slut, do you know what that word means?”  She said, “Yeah.. it means I fall alot!”…. now I’m smiling and breathing a little and explain to her what a slut means.. She said.. “whats the word you call me?”  I said ‘Klutz” she starts laughing and goes.. “OOOOHHHH that’s what it is, I said it wrong.”.

She comes by it naturally

 

 

Then I told her that the word slut was like a curse word, that even though it wasn’t cussing it was still a bad bad word… her reply “Please don’t tell daddy I said a cuss word”… awwwww… my angel is so sweet.

Do you ever think of me????

Day Dream (Explore!)

Day Dream (Explore!) (Photo credit: Loving Earth)

Just like most people I have had friends and family and lovers come and go in my life.  People that at one point I thought would be in my life forever but because of this or that they no longer are.  Some have passed away, some have moved away, some just so busy in their own lives there hasn’t been enough time to re-connect, some just lost their damn minds and had mental break downs and just haven’t been hospitalized yet, oh wait? That last one is just me and my life?  Yeah ok, like none of you have a crazy family member who decided at some point to stop thinking rationally and become the “crazy cat lady” or the “psycho who managed to get all of your mom’s stuff and then lie about it all to you”… oh snap.. yeah, that one was my family.. sorry, lost track for a minute.

 

Anyways.. today while I was at work fuming over an incident that happened this morning that had me asking WTF happened in my life to get me here, I started thinking of people who have come and gone and wondered, do they ever miss me?  Do they ever think of me?  Did I mean as much to them that they at some point did to me?  If so, how come they left and don’t call?  My number’s been the same for 5 years.  And those who didn’t have my number before then could call my crazy sister, she still has the same number for the bar that our mother use to own (which is how one wonderful person found me!  Love you Marcy.. )  I’ve written about my sister before (the one who went crazy and lied and so on, yeah her) and it really kinda makes my heart hurt.  Her and I use to be best of friends.  Always there for each other, always on the phone with each other.  She’s in most of childhood memories, (minus the ones from when we got older and had our own friends we hung out) but even then we still hung out with each other.   It’s been 12 years since all hell broke loose between us and although we’ve talked (even civilly to each other) it’s such a strained relationship I doubt it will ever be repaired. I find myself wondering if she ever thinks of me, I mean in the “Oh my gosh I sure do miss her… I wish I hadn’t turned into a lying witch and pushed her away”… not in the “I hope she dies and I never see her again” way.

 

What about past lover(s).. at some point maybe you thought they were it! They were the one that you saw yourself with forever, (or maybe just that night.. hey now, don’t judge).. where are they?  Do you ever find yourself on your bored days wondering.. “I wonder does that jackwad ever think of me.. and realize what he’s lost?”..

 

I dunno.. maybe it’s just me.. I know my husband will say he doesn’t.. when people are out of his life they are out completely.  He doesn’t believe in wasting time on the “what if’s” scenarios..Yes, I tell him he’s strange all the time.

That’s it.. I’m a gay man trapped in a woman’s body!

Sometimes I really do think I should have been born a man.  I think like a man, I act like a man, I have a man’s sense of humor, the only thing that makes me know I’m not a man (other then the vagina and breast I am in possession of) is the fact I like to do girlie things like get my hair and nails done, go shopping, eat chocolate, oh and my walk.. no man can swish his hips like me!  Okay, so I must be a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.

 

I’ve always been friends with men more then women, always been considered one of the guys.  Of course I was one of the guys that the guys could have sex with but still.  I’ve been told by more then one guy that I am a totally different breed of woman.  They aren’t sure what to make of me.  I can sit and talk with guys about anything, sports, drinking, sex, women, other guys, doesn’t matter.

 

So today I read a blog where it talked about the difference between men and women (sexually) and how men are turned on by visual stimulus and women were turned on by touch and words.  That God had made the sexes this way so that we work together better.  Hmmmm.. Maybe this is my problem.  I am sexually turned on if the wind blows in a different direction, if a hot guy or girl walks by, if I hear the right words, doesn’t matter.  I’m an all around stimulus kind of person.  I want to be physically attracted to my lover as much as emotionally or spiritually.  I don’t want to look at my lover and think “ok, he’s not attractive at all, but he says the right things”.. umm no, that’s not gonna get my motor running.  I want to see him standing there and really bad (and by bad I mean pornographic) ideas start running rampantly through my brain.  I want to trace the lines down to the happy trail.  If it’s a hot blonde chick, I wanna fantasize about what she looks like naked and in the all fours pose.  Does this make me a bad woman?  Is this why I’ve had so many heartbreaks in my life?  Is this why I drive my husband crazy?

talk about tracing the lines!!!!

 

 

Maybe this is why I’ve never been “one of those girls”, or why I’ll never be one of them.  I have a mouth and a brain and I’m not afraid to use either of them.  I wasn’t raised prim and proper, hell I was raised in a bar (my mom owned one).  This is who I’ve always been.  I have a dirty mind and I know how to use it.  I guess if I listen to the Bible thumpers (and I mean no disrespect to them, if that’s what’s working for them great) I’ll never have that peace in my life because I refuse to be the weaker subservient sex in this life.  I have supported my kids alone; I have supported this family while my husband was out of work.  I have worked several jobs at once to make ends meet.  I do not need to be weaker to anyone.  Now saying that, I do like my men to be stronger then me, I don’t wanna be with a 125lb weakling.  But just because he’s stronger then me, that doesn’t mean he has to use his strength against me either, just open jars for me, kill a bug or two.. pick me up and carry me to the bedroom..

Killing myself for what?

 

 

 

So this last January I hit my surgeon’s goal weight of 150 lbs.  Thats a full 117 lbs lighter then my heaviest weight ever.  Since I hit that I’ve not been able to get below it no matter what, and it’s annoying as hell!  I am obsessed with the scale.  I check my weight 3 or 4 times a day some days.  I know if I eat anything I’ll gain a pound (and trust me when I say I cannot eat a pound of anything) and it happens, every time.  Take this morning for example.  I weighed in at 150.4 lbs, all  I had this morning was my oj and half of a protein shake.  I started feeling shaky and remembered that I hadn’t really eaten so I made myself 2 scrambled egg’s (which I did not finish) and weighed myself again about 4 hours later.  Yup, up too 151.8!  How the hell do you gain over a pound eating less then 2 scrambled eggs?  It boggles my mind!

damn you scale!! your suppose to go the other way

 

I have been on vacation this past week and I swore that I was going to work my ass off and be down to at least 148 lbs when I went back to work tomorrow.  This past week I have walked /ran approximately 19-20 miles.  I’ve done some strength training (not too much as I’m not wanting to build muscle until I get the scale where I want it).  The walking has been different everytime.  Some was my normal walk on the trails (a few hills), some was on the new trail (lots of hills and that one hurt me) today was on the treadmill at an incline of 9.5.  I try to change it all up so that I use different muscles, but yet I cannot get below that 150lb mark.  It’s like there is an invisible force field around that number.  Like it’s an invitation only party that I was not invited too!!!!!  I don’t know if i’ll ever be below that, well at least until I’ve had the surgery to remove the excess skin on my tummy and thighs.  Until then I’ll just have to keep plugging away at it and checking my weight, day after day after day!  Or, go crazy, which ever comes first!