New York.. Oh how I loved thee!

Last week my best friend in the world treated me to 4 day of fun and an escape from reality.  She took me to New York City, the Big Apple.. the city that never sleeps.  Some place I have always dreamed of going, but believing I would never get to.  Last Monday we loaded the truck and headed off to have our adventure.  Our first stop along the way was in Philadelphia!  As her and I are true foodies, we had to decide for ourselves which had the better cheese steak sandwich, Pats or Geno’s.

Geno’s won hand’s down!   The bread was buttery and soft, the cheese gooey, the meat was tender.  Oh we enjoyed every single bite of them.  I even have a “grease” stain on my pants from where it drained through the paper towels!   Now that’s how you know it’s good!

After she navigated through those extremely tiny car filled claustrophobic one way streets we were back on the highway heading north… singing “In west Philadelphia born and raised.. on the playground is where I spent most of my days”…  C’mon now, y’all sing it with me.  You know the words.

After several hours we made it to our hotel in New Jersey and I have to say… omg what a dump.  We couldn’t help but laugh!  The beds were hard as the ground, the carpet was obviously the same carpet they put in when they built the hotel and it has NEVER been cleaned.  The outlet in the bathroom didn’t work which meant no hair dryer because that was bolted to the wall in the bathroom.  The toilet had those stains down the sides that you could tell were not hard water stains.  Yeah, it was bad, but that’s okay because we didn’t plan on being in the room much.  We got there later in the afternoon so we figured we’d save Manhattan for Tuesday and instead decided to head to Carlo’s Bakery in Hoboken New Jersey.  12923187_10153333752425870_2609251800372207978_n

If you ever get the chance to go to one of his shops… go!  The Lobster Claw is to die for!  We got Lobster Claws, Cookies, an Eclair (there were 3 of us), a Macaroon… And we gobbled every bit up!  Yeah, we are greedy.  We spent the evening in the room, enjoying our goodies and chatting.. the excitement growing for NYC the next day.  I was finally going to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island and who knew what else.

Tuesday morning found us up and on the way to Liberty State Park where we caught the Ferry to Ellis Island then over to the Statue of Liberty.


Words cannot do justice the emotions that come over you seeing lady liberty in all her glory in person.

Yup, that’s me with the New York Skyline behind me ( I have no clue who the rugrat is, he photo bombed my pic).  There was the Statue of Liberty.  I’d seen her a million times in movies and photos but never in person.  She is stunning!  Walking through the inside, seeing the different things inside, how she stands.. just amazing.  We didn’t have the crown pass so we only got to go to the platform.  After touring around we hopped on to the New York Ferry and headed over to NYC.  It was so cold, and so windy but that wasn’t going to stop us.  After a few minutes we were in New York.  I couldn’t believe it.  Me, standing in New York’s Financial District.  After a few moments of walking we saw the Raging Bull.  I wanted to get my picture with it but there was a very long line and frankly, it was cold and we didn’t want to wait.  We made our way up to the 9/11 Memorial.  You can feel the pain, the fear.  The tears fall no matter how hard you try to hold them in.  You find yourself hurting for thousands you never even knew.  Knowing so many are reposed behind a wall because they could not be identified is truly heartbreaking.

After seeing the memorial then the Museum we realized we needed to head towards the ferry to make our way back to the car, problem was it was now 7:30 and the water taxi’s stopped at 5:15.  Oh the fun we had trying to figure out the subway system to get us to the metro to take us to the Path Train so we could get on the light rail.  Then when we FINALLY make it to the train platform in Jersey… but our car is about 2 miles away!  AND WE ARE OFF.. 3 women in the dark trying to find our way to the park to get to the car before the park closes.  LOL.  My best friend has an oxygen tank but that did not stop her from almost out right running to make it on time!  Somehow she managed to get to the car in time and we headed back to the hotel.  By this time all we had to eat was Subway.. yes, we make it all the way to NY and we eat Subway.

The next morning we all get up and head back into the city!  This time parking at the train platform so we had until 11:59 pm to make our way back.  Plenty of time!  We decide to go uptown this day, check out the Museum section of the city.  Our first stop was the Guggenheim.  If that is your idea of “art” then I can honestly say I don’t understand you at all.  This museum was less then interesting to say.


After our pretty much run through of this waste of our time museum we decided to head up to the Met.  Now this is a Museum.  It’s absolutely stunning!  I wanted to spend days in it.  I could spend days in it.  I want to go back and see every single piece of art in there.  I stood in awe of some of the most amazing art pieces in the world.  Before we made it to the Met we stopped by Central Park to take a quick picture.  You can’t go to NYC and not at least see Central Park, right?  We didn’t go through it because there just wasn’t enough time to do it all.  Before we crossed over to the park my bestie made me try a New York Hot Dog…..


Now to understand this you must understand that I a) do not like Hot Dogs and b) am disgusted at the thought of hotdogs sitting around in nasty water all day long.. but when in Rome.. so here we are.. me holding it getting ready to try it.. and me trying very hard to not gag and throw it up… lol.  She made me eat that bite!  So gross.. she however enjoyed the rest of it.

12963396_10153333767915870_786553458625323806_n She loved it!  🙂


Off to Central Park…


Now the Met!  There’s no slowing down in NYC.. even for someone using a cane and someone with an oxygen tank.  Okay, so we walked slowly… but that doesn’t slow the city down.  This is so beautiful…


After the met we hopped on a bus and headed up to the Empire State Building.  WOW.. what a beautiful building.  When we got to the top one side was nice.. the other two were so cold!  The wind was blowing so hard you could almost be blown over.


After this we hopped on a subway and headed to Time Square.  This was everything I’ve ever imagined.  The lights, the smells, the sounds.. the PIZZA.. the people.. It’s everything TV has made it out to be. Famous Ray’s Pizza.. yeah.. I’m going back there one day!

Believe it or not… we ended up doing a mad dash to find the right train to make it back in time  Making it back at 11:56 pm!  Three minutes to spare!  We laughed so much our stomachs hurt!  I had a true NY experience.  The only thing I didn’t see, was a NY rat.. you always see them on TV.  We didn’t see one!  We got in a pee soaked elevator, twice.  We had Pizza and  Hot Dog, saw the sights… but nope.. no rats.

Thursday had us exhausted and hardly able to walk!  Our feet hurt, our backs hurt.. everything hurt! Sleeping on those hard mattresses didn’t help at all.  We decided to just take our time going home instead of going back into the city then trying to find our way back home.  Of course we had to stop back by Carlo’s Bakery, ya know get some goodies for the road and some cupcakes for the kids.  We laughed and enjoyed our slow ride home..


TWINS!!!  She is my sister.. my best friend.. my soul mate (in friends).. I thank God for her every day… She’ll never know just how thankful I am for her.. for her friendship and her love… she’s my anchor when my waters are rough.. my sunshine when it rains…and my blanket when I’m cold.  I love her and.. I LOVE NEW YORK!!!  I can’t wait to get back!







Poltergeist Remake Review


So over a year ago my husband and I were at the theater when we saw a preview for the new Poltergeist movie coming out.  Oh I was so excited.  I kept thinking “Oh.. they better make an awesome clown scene.  With today’s special effects they could do Amazing things.    So we waited patiently for it to come out.  Finally… it was here.. We joyfully handed over our bazillion dollars for two tickets and some popcorn and drinks (soda for him, water for me) and settled in to watch it.  I was completely pissed off and disappointed when it was over.  They completely ruined their chance at greatness with this remake!  The clown scene was stupid, there was this tiny closet in the boy’s room filled with clowns but they never explained why.. yeah I was mad.

So today I’ve decided since it’s on demand for free I will watch it again to see if I’ve missed something.  I’m going to review it as it goes along.

Right out of the starting gate… the realtor is telling them the tree has been there longer then anything else in the neighborhood… it’s a weeping willow… UH NO.. the original tree was an oak.. A mighty oak with solid branches, at least that’s what kind it looks like to me.  I’ve been unable to find the exact kind online.  They only threw this line in there to make the “tree scene” understandable later on in the movie.  Also, it’s the middle child who has the “abilities”.. but the main point in the original is Carol Ann was born in the house and had the physic connection with the house.  If you aren’t going to somewhat follow the concept of the movie, then it shouldn’t be a “remake” but a “sequel”.

The little girl in the movie (kinda has the same eye’s as Carol Ann) does have some abilities, as she talks with unseen people.  They play with her to lure her and her brother in.  So they are using the littlest one to get to the middle child who has the abilities.  If you remember, Robbie (who is the middle child in the original) actual leaves to go stay with his grandma to get away from it because he’s terrified.  Also…. if it’s a remake, why do they all have different names?  I swear this should have been a sequel and not a remake.  The boy “Griffin” is laying in his bed when he hears some music playing.  He goes to investigate when he finds a hidden little cubby and pulls a string and all these clowns fall down.  Why?  Why were all those clowns hidden in there?  What’s the back story to that?  There is none.. they just threw those in there so they could have the clown scene later.  The dad,  “Eric” just tells the son “people collect weird things”… and son after a squirrel tears off out of the closet and around the room.

The whole concept of the original movie was the spirits wanted Carol Ann’s life force.  Carol Ann and her mother were sensitives, which is why they were affected and not the men (or the oldest sister).  This movie makes it seem as though it’s just a mean poltergeist trying to hurt them.. for no other reason then to hurt them.

The dad in this one… well he’s kind of an ass.  He’s not the fine upstanding family man that the original one was.

Now the dinner scene.. they are telling the family that back in the 90’s they had family that lived there and they wouldn’t go see them because of the whole “cemetery” thing.  They go on to explain that the builders moved the cemetery and built the houses.. and the Bowen’s tell them the realtor never mentioned it.  So wait.. is this a remake or a sequel?  If it’s a remake then they shouldn’t know the house was built on a cemetery.. but if it’s a sequel why was it billed as a remake?

Now had this been an original film.. it might have been pretty good… but this was a remake and in my opinion not a very good one. Yes they paid homage to the original in many different ways but there are just too many “put there on purpose” things to make you realize this is a remake.. because with out them you wouldn’t know.

Madison walks into the closet on her own accord to get her stuffed animal… that’s not how it’s supposed to be.  They take her to get her life force, she doesn’t just offer it to them. The parents are very “calm” after they discover her in the TV, especially the father.  Remember I said he’s an ass.. I stand by that.

Now we get into the really stupid part of this remake.  They bring in the TV personality to “clean the house”.  In the original they are filming the process but for research purposes.  In this movie after they go to the college to get the help of the paranormal researchers (the mother went to that college, that’s how she knew to go there) the main researcher brings in her ex husband.. who happens to be a famous “ghosts hunter”.  Instead of the infamous steak and chicken scene followed by the face tearing off scene, this time we get the father vomiting worms and seeing black ooze coming out of his eye’s and nose in the reflection of the faucet.  Man.. they could have done some amazing effects w/ the whole face falling off scene… so disappointed.

I will say the closet scene where the jerk researcher almost had his head drilled into.. that was pretty cool.  He got what he deserved.

In this version, we actually see the girl (well her shadow) in the house.  It’s not just her voice through the TV.  Of course when the dad follows it upstairs, it’s not really her, it’s a scary demon like child that attacks him.

Now, when the “cleaner” comes in, Carrigan goes up to the room and opens the door… where were the flying toys?  Yeah yeah I know that they didn’t have to put every scene in but c’mon.. that was a classic scene.  Carrigan tells the family that he doesn’t think they did move the bodies when they moved the headstones.  That’s not how the family was supposed to find out.. bodies were supposed to pop up out of the ground!

When they start the process to getting Maddy back they give everyone a GPS tracker… umm how is that going to help if you go into purgatory?  I mean my GPS loses signal in the dead zone down the street from here.. how the hell are they going to get a signal there if I can’t get one in the middle of a huge city?  Then they decide to get the drone the father bought for the son, even though they are broke and he’s been out of work (I’ll touch on this more in a few minutes) into the closet.  Now how are they going to control the drone in another dimension?  I’m pretty sure the one’s you can buy at Target aren’t quite as good as the military ones.  I do like the special effects though when they are looking through the drone into purgatory.  That’s pretty cool.  As they are all fighting over who goes into get get Maddison, Griffin decides to go in.  He grabs the rope and in he goes.  The parents just stand there screaming.. oh hell no.. I’d have gone in after him.   Okay, when I saw this in the theater I thought maybe I missed a part.. maybe went to the bathroom or my kid called and I stepped out to answer the phone, but watching it again right now… nope.. I didn’t miss any part.  They messed up!  The scene where Eric tells Amy that everything is going to be alright and to go downstairs and wait at the rope, after she leaves he tells Carrigan this better work.  He tells Carrigan to tell them to let Maddy go since he can talk to them.  It shows Carrigan talking to them, telling them (into the closet) to let the child go, she’s done no harm.  Next they show Griffin in purgatory with Maddy who is telling him they will never let her go, it’s then we see the ghostly figures grabbing the rope and tearing at it.  It goes back to the bedroom where Eric and Carrigan are and the rope is coming out of the wall and Carrigan is laying on the floor beside Eric as if maybe the giant face from the original one jumped out and threw him backwards??? Except in this version, they don’t explain or show how he ended up on the floor behind and to the side of Eric when he was originally in front of Eric at the opening of the closet.  Good to know I didn’t go crazy there thinking I was just missing something.

Okay.. so the family gets out.. they are in the car getting ready to leave when the oldest daughter asks Carrigan to say the line “the house is clean”.. thats when the Maddy says the house isn’t clean… that they didn’t go into the light because she didn’t go into the light. The SUV they are in suddenly gets battered and flung upside down into the house.  The realize Maddy isn’t in the car when they see her on the floor where she’s picked up and flung upstairs.  The special effects fo the bodies coming out of the closet to get her are wickedly awesome.  Carrigan is outside telling the spirits to release their hold on the family.. makes me think of the Omen.  Carrigan admits to Brook (a researcher who happens to be his ex wife) that he’s tired of faking it for the camera’s and goes in to save the family.  Eric manages to get his family out when the window shuts on him.  AS the house is caving in on itself he see Carrigan in the house who tells Eric he has a job to do and evaporates into the closet.  They start to get into Brooks car to leave and that’s when the house explodes and the bodies start coming out of the ground and all hell starts breaking loose in the neighborhood.  As the researchers are looking the camera they see the GPS lighting up.

Now they are looking at a new house and the realtor says “There’s lots of closet space” when Maddy says “Our last closet ate me”.. as the realtor is talking about the house and mentions the tree she turns to see that the family is gone.

Okay, so let me touch on the part of the father like I said I would.  He’s been out of work for months since he was fired from the John Deere factory.  The mother is a stay at home mom (writer who says she isn’t writing) and they have no income coming in. He goes to the store to buy stuff to make squirrel traps where 2 credit cards are over the limit before the third one finally works.  That day he comes home with a new phone for the teen daughter because hers fried (she blamed Griffin but you know it’s the poltergeist even though they never say it) and the drone for the boy and pizza for Madison and a Pandora Jewelry for the mom.  First off, how?  How did he afford to get all of this when he already had 2 credit cards that were maxed out and a third that barely worked for the squirrel traps.  Secondly, Why?  Why would anyone go on a shopping spree if you’re out of money and out of work?  I am currently not working due to medical reasons and my husband’s pay barely pays our bills after the court ordered alimony and child support comes out.  There are many times I’d like to just go buy my kids things, but a) I can’t because we have no credit and b) I wouldn’t even if we did have the credit because I think things like rent and electric and groceries are more important then phones, drones and jewelry!  That part made no sense to me.

The movie ends with Brook and Carrigan are now working together to film their show.

The original movie is supposedly haunted as many people were injured or died shortly after the making of it.  The role of Carol Ann was played by Heather O’Rouke who died at just 12 years old.

“When filming was completed in June, Heather and her family went on a road trip from Chicago, to New Orleans, to Orlando and all the way back to Lakeside where they lived at the time. Heather was well until January 31, 1988, Super Bowl Sunday. She was unable to keep anything in her stomach and crawled into bed with her parents that night, saying that she didn’t feel well. The next morning, February 1, sitting at the breakfast table, she couldn’t swallow her toast or Gatorade. Her mother noticed her fingers were blue and her hands were cold. Kathleen called the doctor’s and was getting ready to put her clothes on when Heather fainted on the kitchen floor. When the paramedics came in, Heather insisted that she was “really okay” and was worried about missing school that day. In the ambulance, Heather suffered cardiac arrest and died on the operating table at 2:43 p.m. at the tender age of 12. Of all her achievements, Heather was proudest of being elected student body president of her 5th grade class in 1985.”

The role of Dana Freeling was played by Dominique Dunne who was strangled to death by her boyfriend at the age of 22.

“Then, at a party she met John Thomas Sweeney, the chef at popular LA nightspot Ma Maison. The two began a relationship, which turned stormy. Sweeney was uncontrollable and abusive (so abusive that Dominique did not need makeup to play the role of an abuse victim on Hill Street Blues (1981)). Dominique ended the relationship on October 30, 1982. That same night, a distraught Sweeney raced to her house, where she and actor David Packer were rehearsing a scene from V: The Final Battle (1984), dragged her outside, and strangled her, leaving her brain dead. Five days later, she was removed from life support and died, cutting short a brilliant career and leaving behind scores of shocked and angry loved ones.”

This movie is really their legacy.  They both died so very young that they didn’t get a chance to make more of a mark in this world, which is very sad.  The original Poltergeist to this day still gets me, especially knowing so many died that were in it or in the making of it.  I feel this remake failed them and did not do justice to what could have been.

If you liked this remake.. I’m happy that you did.  My husband enjoyed it.  I however did not, and that’s my opinion that I have a right to.  I mainly wrote this for those who haven’t seen it yet to let them know about it.  I’m not saying don’t see it.. I”m just saying go in knowing its nowhere near as good as the original.  And on that note.. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY… PLEASE… STOP MAKING REMAKES.  They are now in the works of remaking “Dirty Dancing” “Roadhouse” “Ghostsbusters” (not the all female version, that’s a sequel) and I’ve heard maybe even Grease… really Hollywood… can’t you come up with any new ideas?   We see how well the remakes are doing, any body remember “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?”  (btw.. Charlie now plays Norman Bates on Bates Motel)…




Adult Coloring Books

So… here’s my question.  What genius was sitting around one day, probably at some desk job they hated doodling on their desk calendar thinking back to the days of opening up a box of new Crayola Crayons (the big pack with the sharpener in the back of course) and coloring all day and thought “Ya know, adults like to color too.  What if I made a coloring books for adults with lots of little lines in it so that kids won’t like it but adults will go nuts for it?”.  It’ll sell like hot cakes and I’ll be a millionaire who can spend all my time coloring!   I want to meet this person and first thank them for the hours of therapy coloring I’ve had and ask them how they thought up something so simple that’s made them super rich now… I need idea’s..  I’m tired of being poor.


BTW.. there are a few of those coloring books I truly want..



2015 In Review

This past year has been a completely different kind of year for me.  It saw a lot of turmoil, health issue’s, heart breaks and angels I never knew we’re watching over me.  I started out the year knowing I had to have surgery, and knowing before I even went in that I would be putting in my notice at work because several doctors were pretty much screaming at me to quit my high stress job and concentrate on my health or  I’d be dead in a year.  I was already terrified of my boss’s wrath and to have to a) tell him I’d need at least 6 to 8 weeks off to recover and b) knowing that after I left for the surgery after some time I’d have to put my notice in had me in a state of unbelievable stress.  If you know me then you know that I am a worker and the thought of not working was/is terrifying for me, and you’d also know that despite my hardened shell I truly do not like confrontation.  I’ve had to fight my whole life.. I’m kinda tired of fighting.

I had my first surgery of the year on Jan 23.  The doctors believed that I had a twist in my intestines and had to go manually check all 5000 feet of intestines… okay okay, I am sure it’s not 5000 feet but I know it’s a lot!  It was a very painful recovery period and for the first time ever I actually took the needed time to recover.  Before this surgery I had had 3 abdominal surgeries in less then 4 yrs and ALWAYS went back to work within a few days (totally against doctors orders.. but hey my boss wouldn’t allow the time off w/o find a reason to fire me and we needed the money) so I did what I had to do, and that was work.  After my surgery the first few weeks were not overly stressful as I was in a great deal of pain and wasn’t thinking about the mounting bills and looming reaming from my boss when I put in my notice, that was until after the second week off and I quickly discovered that asshole was not going to pay me medical leave.  He is the owner of a small business so the “rules” don’t apply the same way as if you worked for say Verizon.  He doesn’t have to pay medical leave, he doesn’t have to have a valid reason to fire anyone and he’s a spoiled little rich kid whose never had to work for anything so he doesn’t know the meaning of the word struggle.

By April my anxieties had gone through the roof.  Not only was I going out of my mind not working, watching the bills pile up but I was still having issue’s with my stomach/intestines.  My surgeon had been removed from the clinic and put in the teaching part of the hospital so I had to see a new surgeon and pretty much start over again!  I already had severe issue’s with my left arm/shoulder.  I have been fighting frozen shoulder for 3 yrs, plus a bulging disc in my neck and Ulnar Nerve Damage.  Now my left leg was having problems and my left hip was killing me.  So it was off to more doctors, more clinics, more tests.  Long story short I now have Poly Nueropathy in my left leg, no reflexes in my left ankle and arthritis in my hip plus something is going on w/ my sciatic nerve area.  I had a spinal injection to help w/ the pain but it did no good so I’ve been in physical therapy for month.  I’m scheduled for another injection in January to see if this will help.  This one isn’t a spinal injection and it’s for the muscle over the sciatic nerve to see if that’s the problem.  If it doesn’t work I’ll be going to a Spine Doctor (which is what my PT wants me to do)

By September I had to have another abdominal surgery where they removed a mass that had been bothering me for some time (I referred to it as my alien) and fixed an “indented” scar that I had.  I will say I have to giggle when I think of my first few encounters with the new surgeon.  The first time she saw me I had a cup of coffee in my hand.  Well she just laid into me saying Gastric Bypass patients aren’t supposed to be drinking coffee. After a few minutes of listening to her rant about the dangers and evils of coffee I finally said “If we aren’t supposed to have coffee, then please explain to me why it is that every time I am a guest here at this hospital I’m not only asked if I’d like a cup of coffee but it’s actually on the Bariatric menu?”  she of course could only reply with “Oh.. I didn’t realize it was on the menu”.  So after that every time I had to go see her I had to wear one of my many coffee shirts and have a coffee in my hand.  She finally gave up!  I’m a red head.. don’t argue with me.

After the second surgery in September, the spinal injection in October the holidays were here and just stressing me out beyond belief.  How was I going to do anything for my kids?  We were barely making ends meet (and even they weren’t all meeting.. some things have not been paid in months).  How was I going to be able to buy all the stuff for the Thanksgiving meal, the Christmas meal?  My kids have been denied a lot in their lives, love never being one of them but still, every parent wishes they could buy their kids things and not have to tell them no every time they walk into a store.  My son who is 18 and recently graduated High School had finally found a job and honestly did not want much for Christmas because he understood that we are struggling, but the now 13 yr old just doesn’t grasp it yet.  I know she will one day, I hope she never has to live this way when she goes off into the world and lives her life but I know that when she is out there she will be armed with the knowledge of how to stretch a dollar.

I had stressed myself to a point of fever blisters and sick to my stomach.  I was completely dreading the next 3 months.  My husband’s GI bill was running out in December and honestly that money was keeping our heads above water… All I’ve been able to focus on is Feb, Mar, Apr and all of 2016.  With me not working and his GI bill out… will we be able to make it?  Will we be living off Ramen Noodles?  Can we pay rent?  My stomach hurts pretty much daily now, my alien spot still bothers me and the injection didn’t work.. so yeah.. I’ve been pretty much bah humbugged for months.  Then out of no where and beautiful angel contacted me asking me what my kids wanted for Christmas.  She wasn’t going to take no for an answer, she wanted to help and she wanted to take some of the stress I’m under off my shoulders for awhile.  It truly was a blessing as I could finally breath a little knowing my kids would have some stuff under the tree.  Words cannot express the gratitude my heart feels for this angel.  I hope to one day be at a point in life that I can do things like this to help others.  To be a secret Santa and pay someone’s lay away off, or support a family for the holidays… one day.. maybe.

Now that Christmas is over and this long crappy year is over I find myself reflecting on what I’ve managed to make it through.  I’ve survived 2 surgeries,  multiple injections, it feels like hundreds of MRI’s and medical tests.  I know I have a very long road of recovery in front of me and pray daily that it won’t take the “Up to 2 years” to get a court date for disability.  I try to live day to day and not think about the coming months because honestly I can’t see how it will work and thinking about it all just kinda makes me shut down.

I have also thought on those I lost this year.  I’m not talking about people who have died as I’ve been lucky and not lost a loved one this year to death.. but I have lost some in other ways.  I had one person that I loved dearly.. looked forward to spending time with her and considered her a sister.  We always laughed when were together and I would do anything for her.  When we would see each other we would both light up with smiles and give each other big hugs…. we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas’s together, our families united together.. then suddenly, with no warning no nothing… it all stopped.  She no longer calls or texts.. she makes no effort to speak to me… and the last time I saw her she said there was nothing in this county to keep her here… forgetting I guess that I am in this county.  She’s moving soon, but she’s not even told me that she’s bought land and is building a house.. I am no longer in her life and I don’t know why.  My heart is broken.  I’ve cried over the loss of her friendship.  The day she told me that my son was with me.  When we got in the car he said “mom.. that was really mean.. but don’t worry.. I’ll be your friend and I’ll never leave you”…. yup.. the tears fell.

I’ve also realized that no matter what I’ve sacrificed and how much I’ve tried my step kids will never accept me, remember me or even think of me.  So I am deleting them from my life too.  I have to rid my life of stresses that are hurting me.  I’m not saying that my husband can’t have a relationship with his kids, on the contrary I want him to have the best relationship he can possibly have with them.. I just can’t be a part of it.  It just hurts to much when you know all you’ve given and given up for them and they can’t even remember to say Thank you for gifts bought, happy birthday, Merry Christmas.. nothing.. When you are just completely not thought of at all.  I wish them well.. I know they have great lives and always have because we’ve sacrificed so that they would.  May life bring them nothing but happiness and success… I just can’t fight to be a part of it.. if I’m not wanted I won’t fight to be there.

So 2016 will be the year I concentrate on myself and my family.  My kids and those that bring positive vibes and love to the table and will be severing ties with those who think it’s okay to just throw my love and friendship away..only to be used when they want something.  So if you are reading this and your first thought is “Oh no.. I hope she doesn’t delete me” then maybe you should think about why that was your first thought.  I try very hard to not upset people, I don’t delete people and I let people live their lives.. but I’ve decided that doesn’t mean I have to be people’s 2nd or 3rd choice.. I don’t have to be their “Well I can’t find anyone else so I guess she’ll do” person or the “I never talk to her but I”m going to be nosy and find out what her status is about and whats going on in her life even though I never include her in my life”…. 2016 is about me and mine.. getting my health in order.. hopefully getting my back/hip and leg fixed so I no longer have to use a cane.. and showing the world that I am worth more then most people like to believe.


Sorry this was so long… but it’s thoughts I’ve had to get out for awhile.  Life is to short to stay miserable because of other people.  I have enough in my daily life to deal with, I don’t need to live with the pain of feeling like those I loved and cherished couldn’t even manage to find time to say hi to me in months.  So to all those who’ve shown they care, know that I’m always there for you whenever you need me.. I love you all and I wish you all the very best in the coming year.




Where are you Christmas?

Growing up my mother did everything she could to make our Christmas’s the best ever.  As a single mother of 4 kids it was hard work to make sure there were plenty of gifts under the tree and amazing meals to look forward to with family and friends.  As we all grew older she still managed to pull us all together to celebrate with laughter in our conversations and love in our hearts.  I grew up and moved away and had children of my own, and even though I was 1000 miles away she still made me feel like I was there.  After she was gone and my family kind of just disappeared I did my best to make sure my kids had the best Christmas’s possible.  Through a horrible 2 yr divorce, a new marriage and step dad, a move 1500 miles away from everything I still tried to give them great Christmas memories.

This year however, I’m having a hard time mustering up the energy to even bother.  I just want to shrink away.  Medical issue’s have made this the hardest year physically ever.  I’m mentally worn out and physically exhausted and I just don’t have any Christmas spirit.  I don’t even want to put out the decorations and lord knows I have no desire to stand in the kitchen all day cooking and baking.  I’m just going through the motions waiting patiently for January to hurry up and get here.

I realize that I suffer from BiPolar disorder and Anxiety Disorder and these things are making it worse for me.  I try to fight the voices in my head telling me how nothing is going to make this holiday season worth celebrating.. but I’m losing this battle.    I’m not writing this blog for pity or “cheer up” messages… I’m writing this so that people who have their lives together, people who don’t suffer from depression and are full of the Christmas and Holiday spirit can hopefully understand that not everyone feels that way.  For some this is the hardest time of the year.  My mothers birthday is November 22 which always makes Thanksgiving hard for me and a dear friends birthday was December 5 and with him gone.. well it just adds to the rest of the things that are going wrong.

So if you see someone who appears to be anxious, or depressed.. maybe they just look lonely please don’t pity them.  Don’t give them some obnoxious “It’ll be okay” speech and whatever you do please don’t tell them “Just chose to be happy”…Just be understanding, patient and caring.  Not everyone looks forward to the “cheer” this time of year.. some of us just want to disappear until it’s all over.

Some of the thoughts in my head….

Last Thursday I had my fifth surgery in just over 4 yrs.  This one wasn’t as bad at the previous ones, it was more superficial.  In other words they didn’t go as deep into my body as they have been so I wasn’t put under as deep as they normally put me under.   This time was more like I just went to sleep, no tube down my throat, no tape over my eye’s pulling my eyebrows out (yeah that happened), no just took a nap and woke up with incisions and pain.

As I was sitting here this morning scratching around one of the incisions (not the actual incision but I’m still pulling the stuff off around the tape) I got to thinking about all the surgeries I’ve had.. and just how many people have seen me naked?  I mean, when you are on the operating table they take your gown off, you know that gown that you have to be naked under when you go in.  So just how many people are in the room while you are having your surgery?  You have the surgeon(s) and if it’s a teaching hospital like where I go there’s a lot of student doctors involved.  Then you have the nurse(s).  Add in the Anesthesiologist (and the students for that department) and I’m thinking that at least 12 people saw me naked last Thursday.   If you know me, you know I don’t like anyone seeing me naked, hell I don’t even like seeing myself naked!

Then my thoughts went to the previous surgeries.  If there were at least 12 people in each of those surgeries then in total of at least 60 people I don’t know have seen me naked!  MIND BLOWN….

Now my next random thoughts were, what were they talking about during each of those surgeries?  Were they strictly business and discussing the surgery they were doing?  Or were they discussing their personal lives, the things they had done the previous weekend or what they had planned for the next one?  Or were they talking about me and how fugly my body is?  Now before you get all “You should love your body”.. I do.. My body has been through hell and back and is still working… but because it’s been through so much it’s not the prettiest body ever.  I have excess skin from weight loss, I have many many scars from surgeries and battles.. I have little boobs (was kinda ripped off in that department!!)  and well my ass is lower then it used to be.  So needless to say it’s not pretty… so are they making fun of it?  Are they pointing out my flaws and cracking jokes?  Or are they feeling pity for me and talking about how badly the first surgeon botched me and the hell I’ve gone through since?

Yeah… I know I’m weird.  I never said I wasn’t, in fact I do believe that I’ve said many times that I am weird.