I so totally agreed with this statement, so much so I had to post it here. It is true, time does not heal all wounds. Some of them are just so deep that you never heal from them. You just learn to live with the pain. Sometimes those wounds just keep resurfacing, the scabs being ripped off of them causing the pain to resurface… and again you have to learn to deal with it..
The day was like all the others, up early and off to work. She struggled to keep her mind on her duties, the window at her desk beckoning her to gaze out at all the people passing by and wondering what they were doing with their day. Were they heading to or from work? Maybe going to visit a friend, a lover, a family member in need of care. The possibilities were limitless with each passing soul. She rested her head on her hands, sighing as she repressed the feeling of wanting to run out into the sun freeing herself from her daily shackles when one soul caught her attention. At first she thought she was only seeing glimpses of her past to which she hung on so closely in her heart, but there it was again. Those eyes, those blue blue eyes that haunt her dreams looking in the very window she was desperately wanting to get out of. Her first thought was it was impossible, she must be dreaming. She wiped her eye’s, blinked a few times and looked again. He was still there. Her heart stopped for a moment in time, her worries and concerns all faded away with the tears that started down her face. He smiled and she lifted herself from her chair scared to take her eye’s off him but desperately wanting to run to him. Her feet took over where her brain stopped and she fled the chains, fled the incarceration of the cubical, fled to his waiting comforting arms..
Their embrace was magical, it stopped time and space and they were the only two alive. All those other souls that were just moments ago occupying her every thought now no longer existed. It was only him with her. Her hands holding onto him, grasping at his flesh hoping to concrete that he was truly there. His eye’s locked onto hers, not a word spoken. His lips making their way to hers, how she wanted this. Longed for it. Missed his kiss, his touch, him. The kiss should have ignited a long lost passion, it should have melted the iciness that had enveloped her heart. The moment his lips touched hers he, like the daydream were gone. She sat at her desk, a tear straining the edges threatening to overflow. Her shackles still in place, on her heart.
So I told you all several months back that I was diagnosed with Frozen Shoulder. Not sure what that is, well here.. read all about it..http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00071.. Now keep in mind that it took several months to get this diagnosis.. it started out with a first visit to the sports medicine clinic. My dr told me that he was suspicious that is what I had and wanted me to come back in 3 months to see if it’s any worse and to have an MRI during that time. So I have the MRI and I go back.. he says “Well.. you do not have a rotary cuff injury… it’s what I had thought it’s frozen shoulder”. So he makes me wait again before he makes a decision on what he wants to do.. meaning surgery (manipulative, not cutting) or injections or physical therapy… okay.. more waiting… go back for his “decision” and his decision was to send me to ortho… ugh.. more waiting.
Now I get into the ortho dr who tells me that surgery is not an option, then he tells me that because I had a slight reaction to the shot the sports med dr gave me they were now out of the question.. so he sent me to pain management… which I might add that guy was a quack!
Now in the meantime I had to go see my original surgeon because I’ve been having stomach problems and since I had the gastric bypass 2 yrs ago I can’t let those go unattended. I tell him what’s going on w/ my shoulder and he’s livid. He tells me they gave me a bullshit answer, something to just pass me on and get rid of me. I go back into the hospital where I have to have an upper GI scope.. when I come out from under anesthesia my shoulder is killing me to the point I’m in tears.. (it’s my left shoulder and they had to lay me on the left side). Mr dr tells me that he is going to contact his pain management dr there at Walter Reed and get me in to see him.. and that he was not buying, and I quote “that bullshit so called diagnosis they gave you”… and to my surprise he did.. and the next working day I got a call from the Pain Management clinic and she said they wanted me in the next day.. man my surgeon rocks!
Anyways.. they all agree’d that I do show signs of Frozen Shoulder but.. and here’s the big but.. I show a lot of signs of nerve damage in my neck/spine. Not common for both of them to be going on at the same time, but that’s me.. I’m that .001% patient.. so now I have to go get yet another MRI and then go back to pain management on the 29th, my bday.. happy bday to me! They talked about admitting me to do that manipulative surgery I mentioned earlier with at least a week long stay after for intensive physical therapy… not looking forward to that but after the last couple of weeks and the pain I’ve had (today being harshest) I am ready to go pack my bag and head to the hospital tonight!
So this dear readers is why I haven’t blogged too much lately (well written rather then copied and pasted things). It hurts to type, it hurts to sit, to lay, to stand… sex is almost impossible anymore.. this truly sucks! The only reason I can type right now is I came home and took 2 pain pills.. hoping it would knock me out but it didn’t… so there you have it…
Oh my.. I feel so bad. I never watch the news so I had no idea of knowing but Jackson was shot while on Duty Saturday. That’s why he didn’t reply to my texts. He’s in the hospital recovering. He pulled over a car that was being driven by a guy who beat his wife up and shot her and when he walked up to the backside of the car the guy opened fire and got him in the left shoulder.
Police downtown (Photo credit: Toban B.)
I found out about it yesterday when I got to work, Debra told me. I think the fact that I had no clue what had happened has squashed the “talk” in the office. I went to the hospital during lunch to see him, thankfully he’s doing well. I broke into tears when I saw him laying there. I kept apologizing that I didn’t know and he just kinda laughed. He said it was okay really. When I told him I’d been texting him he said he lost his phone somewhere during the whole incident and hadn’t got a new one yet.
He’s suppose to be getting out today or tomorrow and has to do physically therapy for a few weeks before he’ll be allowed to return to active duty and in about a week or so he’ll be on desk duty for awhile, which he hates. It doesn’t hurt my feelings though, I don’t have to worry about him sitting at a desk!
I hugged him when I left.. I didn’t mean too.. I was just so relieved that he was okay and not dying. It kinda took us both by surprise. It felt so… wrong but right.. does that make sense? Anyways.. I’ll be going to see him again today during lunch and I told him I’d take him home from the hospital if he needed a ride and he said he did so… I guess when they release him I’ll be his cabbie! I baked him some peanut butter cookies to brighten his day. He’s told me before they are his favorite and he mentioned how horrible the hospital food was so this should cheer him up.
I did tell Craig about it, well not going to visit him or that we are friends… just that the security guard for the bldg next to mine was shot on duty and that I knew him a little bit. He just shrugged his shoulders and said “well it’s good he’s not dead I guess”. He’s just so concerned with my life outside of his.. He didn’t ask me anything about him. Then he went to the TV and fell asleep in his chair. I guess some things never change.
Today was going to be a stressful day, I knew it from from the beginning. I knew it yesterday, hell I’ve known it for a few weeks now. We have this one student at work who came to us through an agency and made a huge stink with them about the school so they decided to come do a walk through and check us out. Not only because of him but because they never did it before they certified us as a school for them. Which wouldn’t be so bad but.. (and this is the big BUT).. it meant my boss would be here today.. plus he’d be here extra early so I’d get to deal with him even longer.
But then.. around 8:40 this morning my son’s school calls me and tells me that he’s been hit by a soccer ball and his eye was swelling and bleeding and I really need to come and get him and take him to the doctors. So I called my boss and told him, yes told him I was leaving. I didn’t ask and I didn’t waiver in my voice at all. I flat out told him my son was injured and I had to go take him to the ER (only because we can never get into our dr’s at a moment’s notice). He said okay that he was almost at work and he’d see me later. SHOCK.. I know.. I think he got laid this past week.
So I get to the school and walk in to find my precious bundle of teenage maleness sitting in the clinic, feet up, eye’s closed and this is what I saw..
Purty, isn’t it? So I guess what happened was a kid kicked the ball wrong and it flew into my son’s face, right into his glasses which in turn slammed into his eye lid and cut it. We went to the ER and the dr there did some really cool things to check out his eye. After she numbed it she wiped some stuff on his eyeball and turned the lights off and put a black light up to it and he was glowing in the dark! It was so cool. She said that he didn’t damage his eye (Thank God) and that he could go back to school tomorrow. So I rush him home, rush back to work and my boss was so shocked that I got back by lunch he didn’t even dock me for the 3 hours I missed! Yeah, he got laid.
Whats really funny is my son apparently wants to impress a girl tomorrow so he asks me “Mom… what can I tell her happened? I can’t say that I was hit in the face with a ball.. she’ll think I’m lame.. What if I tell her I got rolled in the hood and fought off 3 attackers”… haahahahahahaha… Okay.. after I stopped cracking up in my head I explained to him that he shouldn’t start a relationship off on a lie, it always ends up destroying the relationship. Even if they aren’t intentional lies.
So that was my day.. how was yours?
This picture is me, after my weight loss. Before I had the bypass surgery I had pretty intense pain in my left hip. I could not sit Indian style to save my life. I couldn’t sit on the floor at all and play with my kids, it really sucked. No matter what I did I could not make the pain better so I started on Celebrex, which helped a great deal. I was informed before the surgery that I would not be able to take Ibuprofen products ever again but I decided that I would go ahead because I was also told that if I got the weight off the Arthritis pain in my hip would most likely go away. It was a win win thing, have the surgery, lose the weight and not have that hip pain anymore PLUS take one less pill every day. Hurt my feelings!
About 3 months ago I noticed my hip was hurting again, and now I had a weak feeling pain in my left ankle and a sharp pain in my left shoulder. One night while climbing into bed my husband accidentally bumped my left leg with his leg and the pain that shot through me had me in tears. I thought he broke my hip somehow, I was literally afraid to move it. Of course it wasn’t broken, but did hurt for days. As the weeks went on I noticed the pain in the shoulder was getting worse and the left ankle was feeling weaker and weaker. I finally got to the doctors who took X-rays of the hip and shoulder and…. you guessed it! I’m falling apart. I’m old. I hit 40 and fell apart. I think I signed a warranty for my body sometime back as a baby and it ran out on August 29, 2011. The doctor called me and told me that I have severe to moderate arthritis in my shoulder now and in my hip PLUS there is a bone spur in the hip. (side note, she did not xray the ankle and it still hurts but don’t know if I have arthritis in it or not).
I go to the Sports Medicine clinic on November 16 to see what they can do for me. Since I had the gastric bypass I cannot take any kind of ibuprofen based medicine (which is typically prescribed such as Celebrex) so I have no clue of what I will be able to do or take. I hope they can do something for me as this problem is affecting my sex life dammit! I’m much to young to not be able to have sex because I’m hurting! I hate that every time the clouds roll in I can’t lift my arm up, scratch my back or hell even fasten my own bra! I am truly much too young to feel this damn old!
So I posted this on Oct 19, 2012 the first time.. but it’s that time of year again so I must repost it!!!!
Every year the medical Industry uses panic and hysteria to “sell” they’re protection against the flu. Every where you go you see “Get your flu shot‘s here” or “Don’t wait for the flu to get you, get your flu shot now”. They take to the news and Television to talk about how this year is going to be the worst year yet for the flu and go on to scare the shit out of people by saying that small children, old people and sick people are at a high risk of death if they catch the flu so they really should protect themselves from it. NEWS FLASH PEOPLE, there are more strands of the flu then anyone really knows. You cannot protect yourself from the flu because the shot’s only protect you against the main 2 or 3 strands for that season. And really, how does it protect you when your delivering the damn virus directly into your blood stream? I truly shake my head in disbelief when I hear people going on and on about how the just have to get the flu shot, or even worse when companies have a mandatory flu shot policy. I would quit my job before I got a shot. How many people who are in good health get the shot then suddenly have the flu? The dr’s will tell you, “oh, you were already infected with it but it wasn’t showing yet”.. aaa aahh aaahhh bullshit.. sorry, had to sneeze there. You infected yourself with the shot, it wasn’t magically hiding in your bloodstream just waiting dormant until you had the shot “WOOHOO my germ brethren..for our host has finally obtained the shot we can go forth and infect now”.
English: Poster of reluctant GI getting Flu shot. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I guess I should give you, my loyal readers, a little history on my hatred of the flu shots. When I was a kid I was born with Asthma and at the ripe old age of 3 months old I had Asthma, Double Pneumonia and the Hong Kong Flu (the pandemic o 1971). I was a tough little bugger and despite the doctors telling my parents I wouldn’t survive the night I managed to live through it just fine. It did however weaken my little lungs making it easy for me to catch Pneumonia every time the wind changed directions. So fast forward 7 yrs and living through several battles of Pneumonia, Bronchitis, Strep Throat (anything with the respiratory system) my mom being the wonderful loving protective mother she was decided to get me the flu shot at the recommendations of my doctor. So we go in, I get the shot and we go home. I notice later that day I’m not feeling well. By nightfall I have a full blown fever, chills, vomiting, the works. Before the night is over I’m in the ER and then sent directly into the Intensive Care unit under a Oxygen Tent with a 107 fever. I stayed that way for 3 days. I remember the ice bath they put me in, the screams that came from me my mom later told me tore her heart in half. She became so upset with my screams they had to forcefully remove her from the room. Several times in my young life doctors had told my mother that I would not make it through the night to call the funeral home and start making the arrangements. Sometime around the 3rd day this poor unfortunate doctor made the mistake of telling my mom this again, she punched him. She yelled at him to never ever tell another parent to call a funeral home before their child had died. During the night I broke my fever and by the next day I was jumping from bed to bed and feeling no effects of the fever at all (man to do that now.. I’m down for days if I stay up past midnight).
Fast forward 19 years or so and I give birth to my first child. A boy, a big healthy baby boy. At age 2 I let my son’s pediatrician convince me to give him a flu shot. By that night guess who had the flu? Yup, my healthy bundle of joy (who I might add has NEVER had the flu again or the flu shot! Coincidence? I think not). Fast forward a few more years and I give birth to a little bitty bundle of joy. A girl who sadly wasn’t as healthy as her brother. She was born with asthma and again I let the doctor (the same one) convince me that she really needed to be protected because she was so tiny and had developed Asthma. Well now… guess who got the flu the very next day? Yup and she shared it with me, as did my son when he had it. Do you see a pattern here? I will tell you that neither of my children have had another shot and neither have had the flu again, me either!
Fast forward a few more years and I’m dating the love of my life who is a career NCO in the USAF. He tells me one day before we are married that it is possible the children and I will have to get flu shots once we’ve married, that it may be mandatory for us as it was for him. Ummmmmm, what? I kid you not, I told him if that were true I would not be able to marry him. That’s right. I’m that terrified of the flu shots. Before you ask, I am not allergic to the flu shot btw. No, you have to be allergic to eggs to be allergic to the shots and since I’m not there is no way the military would have let me out of getting them if it was mandatory for me to get them but lucky for my husband and I it was not, only for him. In 1977/78 when I got that fateful shot it turned out that thousands of people died from them. They were tainted vaccines and I am one of the lucky one’s who lived through it. It’s been explained to me that if, and boy that’s a big ol if, I ever got another shot the same thing would not happen. But.. I’m never going to know because I will NEVER inject myself with that crap in a syringe again!
It’s all a conspiracy to make money. The Pharmaceutical companies are billion dollar industries and they love to play on the fears of people. The more scared they make the public, the more hysteria they spread the more money they stand to make. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that there is a connection here.. Give a completely healthy (but frightened) person an injection that will make them sick, but charged them oh, $30 bucks to make them sick to start with. THEN when they do get sick ( and oh, they will) they have to come back pay to see the doctor, pay for the new prescriptions…$$$$$ What really amazes me every year is how someone will say AFTER they’ve gotten the shot and then the flu and were sick for days and days “It’s really a good thing I got the shot, could you imagine how much worse it would have been if I hadn’t?” REALLY???? WTF!!! I guess it is worse to be HEALTHY instead of sick..
It would be cheaper to buy it off the streets then through the companies…just sayin
Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness (Photo credit: Gemma.E.Taylor)
When you live in a brain that never shuts off, the world becomes so much more confusing and aggravating. You just want to find some peace and quiet but it never comes. You want to feel accepted by the public and those you love, but you never get that. Even when you find people who do accept you, you never feel like you are. Because your brain works overtime you make the smallest things turn into life altering episodes, then you brood in it for weeks/months after constantly thinking “Why did I do that?”. You live in a “What if” state because your always thinking what if I would have done this or that? Its a vicious cycle and even with medication can still run your life. What makes it even harder is trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t have any mental health problems. Some people think it’s something that can just be controlled if you really wanted it controlled. Oh how I wish it were that easy… I could go on more and more about my own personal issue’s but I wont. I just really wanted to share his explanation because it truly hit the nail on the head for me.
Shanpagne's World 