The Road to Healing begins with Hurting . Session 9,10 and 11!

•November 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

NoMeansNo2

I’ve gotten a little lax on my sessions blogs.  The reason is we really haven’t been discussing the rape so much, we’ve been dealing with the everyday things that seem to be bothering me more and more.  This was brought on because one night my husband and I were having a discussion and while we were talking a little light bulb went off over my head and I realized something about myself.  I don’t feel needed.  In fact, I’ve never felt needed.  I’ve figured out this is why I never married the one ex that everyone thought I should have.  I don’t feel needed by my family or friends.  Let me explain, I know I am needed by my husband and kids and a few family members and friends.. but my brain convinces me that I’m not. So for my homework I had to write down how I thought my loved one’s needed me, without ending it with they really didn’t.  I decided to go a little further on this and had a select few of these people write down the ways they needed me so that I could show my brain that it is wrong in it’s thinking.  It really hurt that one of the family members didn’t bother to respond, but hey.. I guess that is his loss, not mine.  At least that’s what I’m trying to tell my brain.  When I read my responses to her we discussed each one in detail, then she told me she wanted my husband to write down “How” he needed me.  The things I specifically do that he needs from me.

When I went back for session 10 we discussed the list of things that my husband had written down and what I thought about them and if I agree’d with them or not.  These are things that I won’t discuss on here, for they are private between me and my husband and out of respect for him I won’t list them.  I will say that she pointed out some similarities in this relationship with every other one I’ve had in my past.  Her reasoning is she’s trying to point out to me what exactly it is that I subconsciously look for in a mate.  This was very interesting to me because there is a pattern, one I never knew existed.

Session 11 was yesterday’s session.  I’ve been very agitated over the last couple of weeks and I know it’s because of stress of several things weighing on my mind.  It just seems like lately every thing is gnawing away on my last nerve.  For my homework for this week I had to write a list of things I wanted from a spouse (not necessarily my current one.  She wanted me to list things that I want no matter who I be with, him or a future spouse).  The first thing I put was security.  I’ve never had it and with the way things are going, I never will.  After talking in detail about everything I listed she flat out told me that I either have to a) Accept the way my life is or b) change it.  I’m not happy with our financial situation and that is a huge part of my anger right now.  The only way I can change is it to take complete control of the finances, or accept that our bank account will forever be empty or.. leave him.  None of these things are that easy, so needless to say I’m still very annoyed.

When life starts weighing me down like this I do see myself in the same place I was after the rape.  Alone, battered, bruised and really just not wanting to go on anymore.  Sometimes I pray that when I go to sleep that I just never wake up.  I know that’s selfish of me to pray for such a thing, but until you’ve walked in my shoe’s you have no right to judge me.  Yes life could be worse.  Trust me when I say I NEVER ask “what else” or “whats next”.   I just try to get up everyday, go through the motions and survive.

My homework for next week is just seriously think about what I truly want and how can I put me as a priority in my own life.

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

My Crush of the Month for October 2014

•October 21, 2014 • 2 Comments

What better way to celebrate the month of Halloween and spoke than with my crush of the month being someone who plays the part of character that is synonymous is with Halloween.  This particular story is one that as children we couldn’t wait for October to roll around so we could see this cartoon in school, and sometime on TV.  This months crush is the actor who plays Ichabod Crane

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okay.. not him.. but him.. Tom Mison

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Don’t recognize him?  How bout this one…

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Yeah.. now you know who he is!  Tom Mison plays Ichabod Crane on the hit show “Sleepy Hollow”.  He is the whole package, tall, fit, handsome.. and his character is a true gentleman.  If you don’t watch the show, you really should!  So for this month…

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The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 8

•October 15, 2014 • 3 Comments

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Yesterday was session 8.  This one was a little intense for me.  My therapist is really starting to come at me without the kid gloves on anymore.  She’s making me see things that I don’t really want to see.  I mean, I know I have to, but that doesn’t mean I want to!  We talked about me being happy, and how I haven’t been happy for pretty much my entire adult life.  She told me that I chase the dream of being happy but always with the knowledge that I can’t have that particular happiness.  Her words exactly “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY”… ouch.  She said, “Look at your life.  You weren’t happy with your ex before the rape.  He was always gone, you were alone and dating a married man.  You were looking for happiness with someone else’s husband, and that wasn’t the last time you’ve done that.  If something is going good in your life you have trained yourself to look for and find whatever it is to stop the happiness.  You see someone else’s life and you think that’s what I want.. right there… but you can’t have it because it’s someone else’s life.  By doing this your comparing your own life to what you think would make you happy and it’s making you miserable”  (or something close to that.. I’m still spacey right now).

She is right though, I don’t know how to be happy.  I desire being happy but my brain won’t let it happen.  I mean, I’ve had good day’s, good times.  I can laugh and joke and smile, but I always end right back up with the same miserable thoughts in my head.  I’m not worthy of happiness.  I’m not worthy of love.  I’ll never be one of those girls so why bother trying.  I don’t know how to turn it off.  People will tell you, just be happy.  Think happy thoughts.  Do positive things.  It’s simple, don’t let things bother you.  It’s not simple.  It’s truly impossible to be happy when your own brain is wired to be the complete opposite.  I’m scared to death of being happy.  Things have gone wrong for so long in my life that when something good happens I’m petrified that something worse then last bad thing is going to happen and I’m always so close to the edge anymore that I worry that next “bad” thing is going to make me snap.  I worry so much about being strong and not letting people see my weakness or vulnerability that I don’t give my mind a chance to rest.   My body is in constant pain anymore with the stomach issue and the arm/neck issue.  I feel like I’m a walking time bomb and one day something inside is going to implode.

We also discussed my husband and some issue’s we have been having.  She pointed out to me that I’ve put him in a position where he cant do anything right.  If he doesn’t do what I ask or say (let’s say something about money, like pay a bill) then I get angry because yet again we are out of money and drowning in debt.  If he does pay the bill then I’m angry because we had to pay this bill and there’s no money left over for anything else, like a savings account.  He just can’t win.  I don’t try to be like that towards him, I know he loves me.  I know he would move the mountains for me if he could.  I love him more then I’ve loved any other man on this planet and I don’t want to hurt him.  I fear that I am becoming a job to him and one day if I don’t figure out how to be anyone but me.. he will tire of doing this job.  Then where will I be?  Back to being unloved and unlovable.

Going through these sessions is opening up my eye’s to just how damaged I am because of what some asshole did to me 20 yrs ago.  I never let myself think about it or deal with it and by doing so it’s molded me into someone who is so confused in this world sometimes I feel it would be better if I just weren’t here anymore.  I can’t figure out how to be normal, how to be someone who isn’t so crazy in the head.   Someone my husband and my children deserve.  Someone who isn’t me.

My therapist has said she see’s improvement in me.  I won’t lie, it’s been very draining, very hard to go through this.  I guess I’m just having a bad day today because I’m ready to quit.  I’m tired.  But I won’t quit.  I’ll do my homework for next week’s session and I’ll go in and talk some more and try to figure all this out.  I have too.  I deserve so much better then what I allow myself.

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 7

•October 15, 2014 • 2 Comments

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I’m a little behind in this one, sorry.  Life just kinda got in the way.  when I got to my appointment I found myself a bit agitated with some things that had happened in my daily life so my therapist spent most of the hour talking to me about those things.  We did touch on the rape a little bit, and what she told me kinda made a light bulb go off over my head.

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I had printed off copies of the blogs I had written about the sessions and gave them to her to read.  She pointed out a few things about them, one being I do not view the rape as a sexual thing.  For me it was a control thing.  I knew he didn’t want me sexually, he hadn’t for months.  He wanted me to feel his control, he wanted to rip away any self worth I had managed to gain while he would be out and about.  If you remember I told you that he used to tell me all the time that I was fat and repulsive and no one would ever love me or want me.  When he found out that someone did (or at least thought that someone did) he had to make sure that small gleam of hope was ripped out of my head, out of my heart.  By attacking me sexually while spewing those hateful things he was making sure that for me sex=self hatred.  Does that make sense?  I’m so scattered brained right now.  I know what I want to say, it’s in my head but as I type this out it’s just all jumbling out of my fingertips and I’m not sure it’s making sense.  What he didn’t realize he was doing was the opposite of what he had tried to do.  Instead of making me turn away from sex, I turned to it.  I even asked my therapist what was wrong with me, that most people who are raped don’t want anything to do with sex again but for me it was like someone turned on the “must have sex” switch and now it won’t turn off.  Again she explained to me that it’s a control thing.  I use sex to gain control, even though it’s an illusion as I’ve never had control.  After the attack I will admit, I was on a mission.  I wanted to have sex with as many people as I could.  I would walk into a bar or concert or whatever and I would pick out who I wanted to seduce and I would use my ways to get what I wanted.  It was me calling the shots, the who the what the when and the where and the how!  On the occasions that I couldn’t get the person I had set my sights on it was more then just a rejection, it was a total stranger telling me that my ex was right.  I wasn’t lovable.  I was too fat and ugly and repulsive to be loved.  This would set me off even more making me even more determined to conquer anyone I desired.

I look back now and I see just how very lucky I was.  I didn’t get an STD that wasn’t curable (my ex husband gave me STD’s.. he’s the only one who ever did), I wasn’t raped again, I wasn’t murdered.  Any one of those things could have happened to me at any time.  I put myself in harms way over and over again trying to find a feeling of control in my life.  The sad thing is I still do the same thing.  I mean, I’m not out finding dozens of different men anymore, but I still view sex as a control thing.  Even with my husband.  If I want something, whether it be a material item or just a feeling of being in control I will use my ways to seduce him.  On the occasions that I don’t get my way it does set off those warning signals in my head.  I know they are wrong and are lying to me but the fear is there.  I’m still not lovable.  I’ve gained a few pounds back so now I’m too fat and repulsive again.  These things are fueling that internal need of finding someone on the side.  I know I won’t cheat on my husband, but sometimes my brain screams at me that I must have that approval and if it can’t be from my husband for whatever reason (work, health, time) then I have to have it from somewhere.  The trick now is to learn to get that approval from my own brain, not a man’s penis.

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

24 Things only Anxious People Will Understand.. to true.

•October 10, 2014 • 2 Comments

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I came across this article from BuzzFeed today and had to giggle.  You see I suffer from anxiety disorder and I completely agreed with every single thing they said.  Here is the link to the article for you to check out.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/things-only-anxious-people-will-understand?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#18wtwae

I decided to go down the list and let you know how I agree from my perspective… give you some glimpse of the craziness that goes on in my brain!

1. You have a constant feeling of unease..

.  YES and those days where you have this feeling that something horrific is going to happen you walk around thinking the phone is going to go off at any moment and it’s going to be the absolute worse thing ever!  Or, God forbid something good happens because then you walk around waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop on your head!

2. Your anxiety causes actual physical discomfort and pain.

This is the absolute truth.  I constantly have headaches, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts.  There are days I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

3. Which at its worst turns into a full-blown panic attack.

Luckily as I’ve gotten older the panic attacks have become fewer and fewer.  I remember the worse one I ever had was after my son was born.  He was lets say a handful to handle when he was younger (severe ADHD, ODD, Aspergers, OCD traits, it wasn’t easy) and we were at the grocery store one day.  The stimulation was too much for him and he lost it, screaming and crying, throwing things out of the cart onto the floor.  The entire store watching my every move, judging me as the worst parent ever, not knowing if I should ignore the behavior, spank him or what.  I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough and ended up dropping to the floor and crying and feeling like I was having a heart attack.  Luckily there was this older woman who must have known what I was dealing with because she ran up to me (butting through the people screaming I was having a heart attack call 911 which just made it worse) and told everyone to get back and give me air.  She gave my son a piece of candy and talked calmly and quietly to me telling me to just breath through it. After I regained my composure she walked me to my car and told me “Just remember honey.. that baby is a precious gift.  He may try you at times but his love for you will be deep as yours for him”… she hugged me and I went on my way.  I rarely took my son to the store w/ me again.

4. Your mind is constantly racing.

Imagine my brain is like a NASCAR race going 200 mph around the track, then for shits and giggles, through in oh 10 or 15 other cars heading in the opposite direction weaving in and out of the racers.. yeah.. that’s my brain.  24/7.  It never stops.

5. And you’re always second-guessing yourself.

Oh lord.. this can range from life changing decisions to “I turned off the stove, didn’t I?”.

6. Seriously you question EVERYTHING.

Not only do I question everything.. I’ve taught my kids to question everything and I usually turn those questions into “What if” questions.  Which drives my husband utterly insane.

7. You have zero ability to switch off.

Even on sleeping pills I find I wake up in the middle of night thinking about things that I did, have to do, didn’t do, need to do ect.  Watching TV or listening to the radio I have those pesky thoughts in the back of my head going “You really need to go do this”.. Hell, sitting here writing this I’m thinking of 5 other things!

8. Feel like watching a funny movie? NOPE.

Now I guess I’m a little different here because I truly enjoy a good funny movie.  It takes my mind off the self loathing thing for a little while.

9. Want to catch up on some sleep? NOPE.

Not without medication, and as I stated early even that doesn’t keep me snoozing!I take a sleeping pill with a muscle relaxer and sometimes pain pill and I’ll still wake up seven times a night!

10. Having an interesting conversation with a friend? NOPE.

I have no problem w/ this one either.  I love having conversations with my friends. Of course they have to be able to keep up with me.

11. You get anxiety about anxiety.

Oh yes!  If everything is going smoothly I will start to worry something is fixing to happen.  It’s that whole other shoe dropping thing.  My husband tells me all the time I find things to worry about, and I do.

12. You are never really ~in the moment~.

What is this living in the moment thing?  I have no clue what that is!  None..

13. Trying to make a decision is excruciatingly painful.

Naw.. I’m good with making decisions.  I’m a Virgo and crave control so it’s nice and easy for me to tell people what we are doing!

14. And even when you make a decision you immediately worry if it was the right one.

Now this one is true.  Oh crap, what if I chose the wrong place to eat and we all get food poisoning.  If we buy this here I’m sure we’ll find it cheaper somewhere else!  Now I won’t be able to pay my rent since I bought this $39.00 pair of shoe’s!

15. It takes forever for you to do anything because you’re frequently lost inside your own head.

Nope.. I get shit done!  I stress on it until I have it done.

16. You’re exhausted. All. The. Time.

God yes!  My favorite saying.. “I’m much to young to feel this damn old”… some days I feel like I could sleep for a month.  Of course I can’t but it would be nice.

17. You find yourself in the bizarre situation of not being able to trust your own brain.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve ended up somewhere thinking.. how the hell did I get into this mess.

18. Then you’re faced with the difficult prospect of trying to combat your anxiety with the very thing that is causing it.

I’m in therapy for this!

19. Well-meaning people try to help, but sometimes make it worse.

YES.  My husband especially.  He’ll say things like “Just don’t worry” or “it’ll work out, I don’t know how it just will”.. you can’t tell someone like me these 2 things.. you just can’t.

20. People who DON’T mean well make it a lot worse.

Both of my ex’s.  “Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to get this done”.. or “You are the worst ever”.. heard all of it.

21. You really worry about being a burden on the people you love.

This one is really difficult because I have days where I find myself literally trying to push my loved ones away from me.  I’ve had more days where my brain has told me that if I just killed myself everyone I loved would be so much better off.    Just recently on one of my bad days I held the tip of a knife to my wrist and wondered would it hurt?  would it be quick?  Would they miss me if I was gone?  It’s truly a horrible thing to feel.

22. You want nothing more than to just stop worrying but you literally can’t.

My new years resolution this year was to just be happy.  I’m still working on that.

23. You know there are things that could help your anxiety, but you feel anxious about trying them.

I can sum this up for you.  All medications for this are WEIGHT GAINING MEDICATIONS.. I won’t take them!

24. Finally, there’s the relief of being able to talk to someone about your worries and knowing they totally understand.

I have my therapist, but honestly sometimes I feel like even she’s getting tired of me.

If you need to talk to someone, you can call Beyond Blue Australia on 1300 22 4636, Anxiety UK on 08444 775 774 or Hopeline America on 1800 784 2433.

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

•September 29, 2014 • 4 Comments

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

My Mind is Running Faster than NASCAR on Sundays

•September 22, 2014 • 1 Comment

I hate days like today!  I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run and hide from the world because day’s like today make me feel like the world just doesn’t want me here.  This is what Bi Polar disorder is.  I didn’t have a bad day, in fact I had a good day. Work went smoothly even though it was a class start and a testing day.  I chatted with a friend who made me smile. really a good day so what does my brain do?  Well it just says “nope.. not going to let you just have a good day because that’s not possible”  I have so many thoughts running through my head it’s hard to just grab one and think about it. Everything everyone is posting on Facebook is just annoying me to no end, I’m upset with the way my life is going.  I’m thinking about the mistakes I’ve made, the choices that lead me to where I am.  The what if’s driving me mad.  SOMEONE PLEASE STOP MY BRAIN BEFORE THE WORDS ESCAPE MY MOUTH!  I truly hate being bi polar.  I really really hate it.  I just want to disappear.  My mouth wants to tell people off but I can’t do that because they’ve done nothing wrong. At least I’m not so severe that I do go through with every thought in my head.

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