My Crush of the Month for October 2014

•October 21, 2014 • 2 Comments

What better way to celebrate the month of Halloween and spoke than with my crush of the month being someone who plays the part of character that is synonymous is with Halloween.  This particular story is one that as children we couldn’t wait for October to roll around so we could see this cartoon in school, and sometime on TV.  This months crush is the actor who plays Ichabod Crane


okay.. not him.. but him.. Tom Mison


Don’t recognize him?  How bout this one…


Yeah.. now you know who he is!  Tom Mison plays Ichabod Crane on the hit show “Sleepy Hollow”.  He is the whole package, tall, fit, handsome.. and his character is a true gentleman.  If you don’t watch the show, you really should!  So for this month…


The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 8

•October 15, 2014 • 3 Comments


Yesterday was session 8.  This one was a little intense for me.  My therapist is really starting to come at me without the kid gloves on anymore.  She’s making me see things that I don’t really want to see.  I mean, I know I have to, but that doesn’t mean I want to!  We talked about me being happy, and how I haven’t been happy for pretty much my entire adult life.  She told me that I chase the dream of being happy but always with the knowledge that I can’t have that particular happiness.  Her words exactly “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY”… ouch.  She said, “Look at your life.  You weren’t happy with your ex before the rape.  He was always gone, you were alone and dating a married man.  You were looking for happiness with someone else’s husband, and that wasn’t the last time you’ve done that.  If something is going good in your life you have trained yourself to look for and find whatever it is to stop the happiness.  You see someone else’s life and you think that’s what I want.. right there… but you can’t have it because it’s someone else’s life.  By doing this your comparing your own life to what you think would make you happy and it’s making you miserable”  (or something close to that.. I’m still spacey right now).

She is right though, I don’t know how to be happy.  I desire being happy but my brain won’t let it happen.  I mean, I’ve had good day’s, good times.  I can laugh and joke and smile, but I always end right back up with the same miserable thoughts in my head.  I’m not worthy of happiness.  I’m not worthy of love.  I’ll never be one of those girls so why bother trying.  I don’t know how to turn it off.  People will tell you, just be happy.  Think happy thoughts.  Do positive things.  It’s simple, don’t let things bother you.  It’s not simple.  It’s truly impossible to be happy when your own brain is wired to be the complete opposite.  I’m scared to death of being happy.  Things have gone wrong for so long in my life that when something good happens I’m petrified that something worse then last bad thing is going to happen and I’m always so close to the edge anymore that I worry that next “bad” thing is going to make me snap.  I worry so much about being strong and not letting people see my weakness or vulnerability that I don’t give my mind a chance to rest.   My body is in constant pain anymore with the stomach issue and the arm/neck issue.  I feel like I’m a walking time bomb and one day something inside is going to implode.

We also discussed my husband and some issue’s we have been having.  She pointed out to me that I’ve put him in a position where he cant do anything right.  If he doesn’t do what I ask or say (let’s say something about money, like pay a bill) then I get angry because yet again we are out of money and drowning in debt.  If he does pay the bill then I’m angry because we had to pay this bill and there’s no money left over for anything else, like a savings account.  He just can’t win.  I don’t try to be like that towards him, I know he loves me.  I know he would move the mountains for me if he could.  I love him more then I’ve loved any other man on this planet and I don’t want to hurt him.  I fear that I am becoming a job to him and one day if I don’t figure out how to be anyone but me.. he will tire of doing this job.  Then where will I be?  Back to being unloved and unlovable.

Going through these sessions is opening up my eye’s to just how damaged I am because of what some asshole did to me 20 yrs ago.  I never let myself think about it or deal with it and by doing so it’s molded me into someone who is so confused in this world sometimes I feel it would be better if I just weren’t here anymore.  I can’t figure out how to be normal, how to be someone who isn’t so crazy in the head.   Someone my husband and my children deserve.  Someone who isn’t me.

My therapist has said she see’s improvement in me.  I won’t lie, it’s been very draining, very hard to go through this.  I guess I’m just having a bad day today because I’m ready to quit.  I’m tired.  But I won’t quit.  I’ll do my homework for next week’s session and I’ll go in and talk some more and try to figure all this out.  I have too.  I deserve so much better then what I allow myself.


National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 7

•October 15, 2014 • 2 Comments

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I’m a little behind in this one, sorry.  Life just kinda got in the way.  when I got to my appointment I found myself a bit agitated with some things that had happened in my daily life so my therapist spent most of the hour talking to me about those things.  We did touch on the rape a little bit, and what she told me kinda made a light bulb go off over my head.



I had printed off copies of the blogs I had written about the sessions and gave them to her to read.  She pointed out a few things about them, one being I do not view the rape as a sexual thing.  For me it was a control thing.  I knew he didn’t want me sexually, he hadn’t for months.  He wanted me to feel his control, he wanted to rip away any self worth I had managed to gain while he would be out and about.  If you remember I told you that he used to tell me all the time that I was fat and repulsive and no one would ever love me or want me.  When he found out that someone did (or at least thought that someone did) he had to make sure that small gleam of hope was ripped out of my head, out of my heart.  By attacking me sexually while spewing those hateful things he was making sure that for me sex=self hatred.  Does that make sense?  I’m so scattered brained right now.  I know what I want to say, it’s in my head but as I type this out it’s just all jumbling out of my fingertips and I’m not sure it’s making sense.  What he didn’t realize he was doing was the opposite of what he had tried to do.  Instead of making me turn away from sex, I turned to it.  I even asked my therapist what was wrong with me, that most people who are raped don’t want anything to do with sex again but for me it was like someone turned on the “must have sex” switch and now it won’t turn off.  Again she explained to me that it’s a control thing.  I use sex to gain control, even though it’s an illusion as I’ve never had control.  After the attack I will admit, I was on a mission.  I wanted to have sex with as many people as I could.  I would walk into a bar or concert or whatever and I would pick out who I wanted to seduce and I would use my ways to get what I wanted.  It was me calling the shots, the who the what the when and the where and the how!  On the occasions that I couldn’t get the person I had set my sights on it was more then just a rejection, it was a total stranger telling me that my ex was right.  I wasn’t lovable.  I was too fat and ugly and repulsive to be loved.  This would set me off even more making me even more determined to conquer anyone I desired.

I look back now and I see just how very lucky I was.  I didn’t get an STD that wasn’t curable (my ex husband gave me STD’s.. he’s the only one who ever did), I wasn’t raped again, I wasn’t murdered.  Any one of those things could have happened to me at any time.  I put myself in harms way over and over again trying to find a feeling of control in my life.  The sad thing is I still do the same thing.  I mean, I’m not out finding dozens of different men anymore, but I still view sex as a control thing.  Even with my husband.  If I want something, whether it be a material item or just a feeling of being in control I will use my ways to seduce him.  On the occasions that I don’t get my way it does set off those warning signals in my head.  I know they are wrong and are lying to me but the fear is there.  I’m still not lovable.  I’ve gained a few pounds back so now I’m too fat and repulsive again.  These things are fueling that internal need of finding someone on the side.  I know I won’t cheat on my husband, but sometimes my brain screams at me that I must have that approval and if it can’t be from my husband for whatever reason (work, health, time) then I have to have it from somewhere.  The trick now is to learn to get that approval from my own brain, not a man’s penis.


National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

24 Things only Anxious People Will Understand.. to true.

•October 10, 2014 • 2 Comments


I came across this article from BuzzFeed today and had to giggle.  You see I suffer from anxiety disorder and I completely agreed with every single thing they said.  Here is the link to the article for you to check out.

I decided to go down the list and let you know how I agree from my perspective… give you some glimpse of the craziness that goes on in my brain!

1. You have a constant feeling of unease..

.  YES and those days where you have this feeling that something horrific is going to happen you walk around thinking the phone is going to go off at any moment and it’s going to be the absolute worse thing ever!  Or, God forbid something good happens because then you walk around waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop on your head!

2. Your anxiety causes actual physical discomfort and pain.

This is the absolute truth.  I constantly have headaches, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts.  There are days I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

3. Which at its worst turns into a full-blown panic attack.

Luckily as I’ve gotten older the panic attacks have become fewer and fewer.  I remember the worse one I ever had was after my son was born.  He was lets say a handful to handle when he was younger (severe ADHD, ODD, Aspergers, OCD traits, it wasn’t easy) and we were at the grocery store one day.  The stimulation was too much for him and he lost it, screaming and crying, throwing things out of the cart onto the floor.  The entire store watching my every move, judging me as the worst parent ever, not knowing if I should ignore the behavior, spank him or what.  I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough and ended up dropping to the floor and crying and feeling like I was having a heart attack.  Luckily there was this older woman who must have known what I was dealing with because she ran up to me (butting through the people screaming I was having a heart attack call 911 which just made it worse) and told everyone to get back and give me air.  She gave my son a piece of candy and talked calmly and quietly to me telling me to just breath through it. After I regained my composure she walked me to my car and told me “Just remember honey.. that baby is a precious gift.  He may try you at times but his love for you will be deep as yours for him”… she hugged me and I went on my way.  I rarely took my son to the store w/ me again.

4. Your mind is constantly racing.

Imagine my brain is like a NASCAR race going 200 mph around the track, then for shits and giggles, through in oh 10 or 15 other cars heading in the opposite direction weaving in and out of the racers.. yeah.. that’s my brain.  24/7.  It never stops.

5. And you’re always second-guessing yourself.

Oh lord.. this can range from life changing decisions to “I turned off the stove, didn’t I?”.

6. Seriously you question EVERYTHING.

Not only do I question everything.. I’ve taught my kids to question everything and I usually turn those questions into “What if” questions.  Which drives my husband utterly insane.

7. You have zero ability to switch off.

Even on sleeping pills I find I wake up in the middle of night thinking about things that I did, have to do, didn’t do, need to do ect.  Watching TV or listening to the radio I have those pesky thoughts in the back of my head going “You really need to go do this”.. Hell, sitting here writing this I’m thinking of 5 other things!

8. Feel like watching a funny movie? NOPE.

Now I guess I’m a little different here because I truly enjoy a good funny movie.  It takes my mind off the self loathing thing for a little while.

9. Want to catch up on some sleep? NOPE.

Not without medication, and as I stated early even that doesn’t keep me snoozing!I take a sleeping pill with a muscle relaxer and sometimes pain pill and I’ll still wake up seven times a night!

10. Having an interesting conversation with a friend? NOPE.

I have no problem w/ this one either.  I love having conversations with my friends. Of course they have to be able to keep up with me.

11. You get anxiety about anxiety.

Oh yes!  If everything is going smoothly I will start to worry something is fixing to happen.  It’s that whole other shoe dropping thing.  My husband tells me all the time I find things to worry about, and I do.

12. You are never really ~in the moment~.

What is this living in the moment thing?  I have no clue what that is!  None..

13. Trying to make a decision is excruciatingly painful.

Naw.. I’m good with making decisions.  I’m a Virgo and crave control so it’s nice and easy for me to tell people what we are doing!

14. And even when you make a decision you immediately worry if it was the right one.

Now this one is true.  Oh crap, what if I chose the wrong place to eat and we all get food poisoning.  If we buy this here I’m sure we’ll find it cheaper somewhere else!  Now I won’t be able to pay my rent since I bought this $39.00 pair of shoe’s!

15. It takes forever for you to do anything because you’re frequently lost inside your own head.

Nope.. I get shit done!  I stress on it until I have it done.

16. You’re exhausted. All. The. Time.

God yes!  My favorite saying.. “I’m much to young to feel this damn old”… some days I feel like I could sleep for a month.  Of course I can’t but it would be nice.

17. You find yourself in the bizarre situation of not being able to trust your own brain.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve ended up somewhere thinking.. how the hell did I get into this mess.

18. Then you’re faced with the difficult prospect of trying to combat your anxiety with the very thing that is causing it.

I’m in therapy for this!

19. Well-meaning people try to help, but sometimes make it worse.

YES.  My husband especially.  He’ll say things like “Just don’t worry” or “it’ll work out, I don’t know how it just will”.. you can’t tell someone like me these 2 things.. you just can’t.

20. People who DON’T mean well make it a lot worse.

Both of my ex’s.  “Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to get this done”.. or “You are the worst ever”.. heard all of it.

21. You really worry about being a burden on the people you love.

This one is really difficult because I have days where I find myself literally trying to push my loved ones away from me.  I’ve had more days where my brain has told me that if I just killed myself everyone I loved would be so much better off.    Just recently on one of my bad days I held the tip of a knife to my wrist and wondered would it hurt?  would it be quick?  Would they miss me if I was gone?  It’s truly a horrible thing to feel.

22. You want nothing more than to just stop worrying but you literally can’t.

My new years resolution this year was to just be happy.  I’m still working on that.

23. You know there are things that could help your anxiety, but you feel anxious about trying them.

I can sum this up for you.  All medications for this are WEIGHT GAINING MEDICATIONS.. I won’t take them!

24. Finally, there’s the relief of being able to talk to someone about your worries and knowing they totally understand.

I have my therapist, but honestly sometimes I feel like even she’s getting tired of me.

If you need to talk to someone, you can call Beyond Blue Australia on 1300 22 4636, Anxiety UK on 08444 775 774 or Hopeline America on 1800 784 2433.

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

•September 29, 2014 • 4 Comments

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…


National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!


My Mind is Running Faster than NASCAR on Sundays

•September 22, 2014 • 1 Comment

I hate days like today!  I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run and hide from the world because day’s like today make me feel like the world just doesn’t want me here.  This is what Bi Polar disorder is.  I didn’t have a bad day, in fact I had a good day. Work went smoothly even though it was a class start and a testing day.  I chatted with a friend who made me smile. really a good day so what does my brain do?  Well it just says “nope.. not going to let you just have a good day because that’s not possible”  I have so many thoughts running through my head it’s hard to just grab one and think about it. Everything everyone is posting on Facebook is just annoying me to no end, I’m upset with the way my life is going.  I’m thinking about the mistakes I’ve made, the choices that lead me to where I am.  The what if’s driving me mad.  SOMEONE PLEASE STOP MY BRAIN BEFORE THE WORDS ESCAPE MY MOUTH!  I truly hate being bi polar.  I really really hate it.  I just want to disappear.  My mouth wants to tell people off but I can’t do that because they’ve done nothing wrong. At least I’m not so severe that I do go through with every thought in my head.

bi bi1


The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 5

•September 21, 2014 • 4 Comments


My last session was so very intense and difficult.  If you remember my homework was to write a detailed description of the rape and the feelings that I had then when it was happening along with the feelings I was feeling while writing it.  Then I had to re-read the paper every day (which I didn’t.  I couldn’t).  Let me start off by saying that this was like ripping the top layers of skin off exposing the putrid infected sore beneath.  I know, that’s gross sounding but it does describe it perfectly because honestly that is what is below the surface.  An infected putrid sore that I never tended too, never put anything on it to heal up before I closed it up over the top.

Like I said last week I would not be posting this story as I have my previous homework assignments.  It’s to graphic and I just don’t feel like I need to share the details with the world in order to heal.

While reading it out loud I found myself wanting to hide.  When I had really long hair and had the urge to hide I would pull my hair down in front of my face.  It was my escape, my coping mechanism if you will.  Well I don’t have the hair to do that anymore so while I was sitting there reading this I felt just as exposed and vulnerable as I did that night.  I had to stop several times and gather my composure, get a good deep breath in, wipe away the tears and force the rest of the tears back down. I tried very very hard to separate myself from the story I was telling but I couldn’t.  I was there.  I felt the first punch to my face, the second and the third and so on.  I was back on the bed being forced out of my clothes, I could hear his voice, smell the Jack Daniels on his breath and feel the terror rising in me.  I wanted to run out of the room as fast as I can, just like I wanted to run out of that room when it happened, but just like then I couldn’t.  This time though I forced myself to stay.

Being older now I can see all the tell tale signs of him being an abuser all the way back to when we first started dating.  I was so desperate to just be loved by anyone I ignored them, tolerated them, allowed them to continue.  It started with small things, a push here, a shove there.  Him becoming angry at something I did or said and then storming off, cheating on me and leaving me to wonder where he went and if he’d ever be back only to have him come back and manage to make me believe it was all my fault that he did cheat.  That somehow because I was overweight and trusting I deserved to be cheated on, pushed around.

I remember the day I married him.  My brother and I were standing in the foray of the church waiting for the music to start down the isle.  I was holding his arm and we were looking out the doors that were in front of us where my car was parked.  My brother told me “Baby, we don’t have to do this.  Your car is right there, we can get out of here right now”.  I should have listened, but hind sight is 20/20 isn’t it?  I remember thinking to myself “if it doesn’t work out I can just get a divorce”.  What kind of screwed up person goes into a marriage thinking that?  Obviously there were problems before him, I just hadn’t figured that out yet.  That night, our wedding night was the last time he was nice to me.  From the second day on it just got worse and worse.  The name calling, the cheating, the hitting, the STD’s then the abandonment but with being controlled.  What i mean by that is he disappeared, he’d stay gone for days on end but he expected me to just work and go home and have no life.  He didn’t want me but he didn’t want me to have a life either.  Just stay locked up for his use and abuse when he felt the need. The night the attack happened he had been gone for several days, almost 2 weeks.  This was the longest he had stayed gone and I felt like he wasn’t coming back.  I knew our marriage was over, it had been for a long time but I just didn’t admit it to myself fully yet. I had been out with friends doing my own thing, I was slowly venturing out finding my footing.  I got off work that night at 10 but didn’t get home until almost 2 am.  I was completely caught off guard when I walked in and found him sitting on the couch in the dark smoking a cigarette.   It only took 11 words to ignite such anger, 11 little words.

“The same thing you go out and do all the time”

    Twenty plus years later those 11 little words still haunt my memory.  They ignite such a barrage of what if’s in my mind that it drives me insane.  What if I hadn’t said that?  What if I had said something different?  What if I would have ran out the back door instead of fighting back?  What if, what if what if?  It’s easy to tell someone that what if’s don’t change anything so don’t drive yourself crazy thinking that.  It’s not easy however when your the one reliving it over and over again.  What if I would have left him while he was gone?  Packed my stuff up and left and he’d never know where I went.  I didn’t though.  I said those words, I fought back with every ounce of energy I had, I didn’t leave him before it was too late.  Now I have to learn to look back at all those choices differently.  I have to train my brain that even though I’ve told myself all this time it was my fault, I deserved it… I was WRONG!  I did NOTHING to deserve such anger, such hatred.  I didn’t deserve the name calling, the punching, the lying too, the STD’s, the cheating…. I didn’t deserve to be raped.  All I did was love him.  All I asked of him was to love me back, and even though he didn’t do that it doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be loved.

    When I walked out of the office this past Monday my body ached.  I could feel every place I was bruised that night.  I felt drained of all my energy and I just wanted to curl up and become invisible.  It’s been several days and I still feel the effects of it all, like my body is healing all over again.  When it happened I went to stay at a friends house after that for a few days.  He let me cry, held me when I shook and rubbed my back when the vomiting would start in.   He tended to my wounds and wouldn’t let me just go away.  I remember asking him, well begging him to let me take a bottle of pills and just go to sleep.  I didn’t want to live anymore, I couldn’t tell my family what had happened, couldn’t face all of them and tell them I let them down by having this happen to me.  We are all fighters, raised strong so how could I tell them I was too weak?  I couldn’t break my mothers heart.  She’d been through so much in her life and I didn’t want to add to her troubles.  I wanted to die.  My friend wouldn’t let me.  He helped me hide it all shove it down and not let the world see the scars.

    At the time I thought I did a very good job of hiding it all from everyone, but looking back I was screaming a very silent scream for the world to see.  I invited trouble into my life, I was careless and reckless.  I put my room mate in danger on a very regular basis bringing anyone home that I could get to come with me.  I spent a year trying to fill up that enormous hole he slammed into me that night.  Nothing worked and sadly I ended up marrying another abuser.  This time bringing two innocent babies into the picture.  I can tell you all that I am now out of that abusive relationship, in therapy and doing everything I can to help my kids be a better stronger person than I was.  My son treats women with respect and my daughter has had 3 yrs of Tae Kwon Do training to know how to protect herself.

    I know that I still have a very long ways to go.  I have to erase the negative thoughts of myself that are etched into my minds eye.  I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I’m worth so much more in this world.  I have to show the world as well as myself that I am what I’ve said I was for years.. a survivor!

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!


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