The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. Session 4

•September 15, 2014 • 2 Comments

Date_Rape_Project1___Approach3_by_c_ko

Last weeks session was pretty intense.  We discussed my homework assignments for the week.  The worksheet was to write about something that had happened, my thoughts about it and how it made me feel.  This was the assignment..

My homework for this past 2 weeks is an ABC worksheet.  A is to write about something that happened.  B. is “tell myself something.  C. is “I feel something”  The example given is A. I build a porch and the railing comes loose.  B. “I can never do anything right”. C. “I get angry and kick the railing.  I also feel down and sad because I can’t do anything right”

Are my thoughts above in “B” realistic?  “No.  It wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, because I do SOME things right”.

What can you tell yourself on such occasions in the future? “There are some things that I do all right.  It is not true that I “never” do anything right”

One of the things I wrote about was something someone said to me about my outfit.  My first thought was “It doesn’t matter what I wear I’m never going to look good in anything.. I’m never going to be accepted”.  My C answer was I had felt angry to the point I wanted to inflict physical pain on this person.  Then I felt fat and still out of that “circle” that I can never quite get into.   As we discussed this she started asking me how it was my fault on how this other person thinks or feels.  She reminded me that this particular person is always criticizing me, no matter how hard I try or what I do so why would I ever think that anything I wore would be good enough for him?  Pointing out the obvious is something that I truly need to either learn to do on my own or have people close to me do this for me.  Help me to retrain my brains way of thinking things through.  To try to stop blaming myself for every thing that has gone wrong for me.

The next thing we discussed was a problem that always comes up in my life, money.  Being financially strapped and in turmoil it makes it very hard to not stress and to not argue with my husband on a constant basis.  I do not believe “Love is all you need” crap.  You need money.  The lack of money makes it difficult to pay your bills, celebrate anniversaries and birthdays, take family vacations.  People will tell you that “You can do free things together, take a picnic or a walk together.  Make something new for dinner together, write a poem or watch a movie together as a family with popcorn.  Those are all great things, but year after year of doing those things, they get old.  Sometimes you want to go out to a restaurant that doesn’t have a value menu, or stay over night in a hotel on a beach just to watch the sunrise in the morning from your balcony.  Anything other then the free stuff.  Anyways, that’s kinda off the topic but a little bit but it will explain it.  Because of life our bank account was less then it should have been and I lost it.  My first thoughts were “here we are again.. I’m not one of those girls, I’ll never be one of them.  I’ll never be able to buy what I want or need, go on family vacations, do what I want for my kids.”   My C part of this was at first to feel defeated.  I’ve worked so hard for so many years and I’m getting further and further in debt.  I went to college and put myself $24,000 + in debt w/ student loans I’ll never be able to pay back.  I screamed and yelled at my husband how I’m sick to death of it all.. then I felt like a failure all over again.

As we discussed this she started asking me more and more questions about why I feel certain ways and the water works started.  The more I talked the more upset I got and the more I had to fight to hold the tears back.  I blurted out that I don’t feel like I’m important.. important enough for anyone to listen to, to love. My boss treats me like I’m the dumbest most horrible person he’s ever employed.  My first husband didn’t think I was important, my second either.  My current husband loves me and I know this but most of the times I feel like he’s not hearing me.  He listens but doesn’t hear.  I feel like no one has really heard me in years.  She started asking me if I truly felt this way, that I knew my kids couldn’t survive without me and they thought I was very important and that even though my husband may make mistakes, he thinks I’m important too.  But I don’t feel it and I haven’t in forever and until I learn that I am important to myself I won’t feel important to anyone else.

My next assignment, that’s due today has been the hardest yet.  I had to write a detailed paper on the rape sparing no details.  I had to write about what I was feeling then and what I was feeling while I was writing it.  It was truly hard to do, it left me feeling dirty and disgusting and the worst, vulnerable. If you know me at all you know that vulnerable is truly one of the worst things I can feel because for me it equals being weak, being a victim and I can’t do that.  I will write about the session later this week but I will not be posting the paper.  There are some things that I can’t share and this is one of them.

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting. Session 3

•September 7, 2014 • 3 Comments

rape-cases

 

Session 3 went a little differently.  We didn’t really discuss the previous session very much.  You see I had had a very bad day that day and was in a bad mood. I was angry and irritated with life and wasn’t hiding it.  So this day we had just discussed the day and the few previous days and what had happened to get me so annoyed.  At the end of my session I gave her my list of core values that I had to write during the week leading up to my appointment.  I’m sure we will be discussing these things during my session on Tuesday.  Below is the list of core value’s that I wrote down.  I a sadden to say that I truly believe these things to be true and I pray that one day I can change the way I think.

 

1)  I am not meant to have peace.

2) It seems I am meant to fail, always.

3) I am strong.

4) I am scared of happiness.

5) 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  Every time.

6) I survive everything, only because I have no other choice.

7) I am hard to love.

8) I will never be one of “those” girls.

 

My homework for this past 2 weeks is an ABC worksheet.  A is to write about something that happened.  B. is “tell myself something.  C. is “I feel something”  The example given is A. I build a porch and the railing comes loose.  B. “I can never do anything right”. C. “I get angry and kick the railing.  I also feel down and sad because I can’t do anything right”

Are my thoughts above in “B” realistic?  “No.  It wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, because I do SOME things right”.

What can you tell yourself on such occasions in the future? “There are soe things that I do all right.  It is not true that I “never” do anything right”

 

I’m still working on this one… the dead line is almost here.

My Crush of the Month for September 2014

•September 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

For September I thought I’d surprise my husband and make my crush of the month someone that he just seems to adore.. You see he has been watching “How I met your mother” for a couple of months now and he is constantly walking around quoting this actor.  It’s cute really.  He loved him the Harold and Kumar movies and he loves him in this show.  Yes, it’s none other than NPH himself Neil Patrick Harris.

61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

If you were a kid of the 80’s then you tuned in every week to see what Doogie Howser would do.  You couldn’t wait to see what he would type into his computer journal.  You couldn’t imagine what it was like to be a doctor at 14 years old.  It was just baffling to think about.

NPH1

My husband refuses to believe that he is in fact a gay man.  He thinks that NPH is just like the characters he plays in that he is always banging women.  I keep telling him that I’m sure his boyfriend wouldn’t like that, but he just can’t believe it.  LOL

NPH

So there he is.. My crush of the month.  He is a cutie, isn’t he?  And I’m so glad that he didn’t grow up to be one of those child actors who just completely lose it as an adult.  Keep doing what your doing NPH!

The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting, session 2

•September 2, 2014 • 4 Comments

Every2mins

 

    When I went back for my second session I had to read the letter I wrote out loud.  Normally I have no problem reading or speaking in front of anyone, or even large groups of people but this was harsh.  My throat was dry, my eye’s threatened to over flow and my hands shook.  My therapist asked “Why is this so hard for you to read aloud”.. my answer was simple “if I say it out loud then it’s all true and I can’t run from it anymore and I can’t hide from it anymore”.  I’ve talked about the rape before, to a few people, I’ve even blogged about it but that’s as far as it goes.  I’ve never delved into the feelings left behind, the aftermath.  Like telling a story that you’ve heard before, it’s just a story until you live it and then tell it.  Then it’s your soul.  As I read out loud all I could think of is how sad my life has been, how I’ve been betrayed and lied to to the point of believing it all.  Then I started to feel angry followed quickly by defeated.  I slumped in my chair and just sat there, listening to her talk to me about how I felt and what was going through my mind.  I wanted to crawl into that dark place in my mind that keeps me protected but she wouldn’t let that happen.  She made sure to force me to answer the questions, gently but she gave me no choice.  

   One of the things we talked about that day and previous sessions (but not in great detail) was what I refer to as Angry Shannon.  “Who is angry Shannon?”.  Well, she’s mean.  She will cut you down with words in an instant. She will rip your head off and chew up and spit it out.  She will shred your heart into a million pieces and will never bat an eye doing it.  She doesn’t cry and she gets angry when I try to cry.  I keep her pushed down and locked away.  She tries to come out every now and then but I fight her every step of the way.  “Why do you keep her locked up?”  Because if I let her out everyone will know that I’m a horrible person.  

Another one of the questions she asked was “If you had answered his question differently, do you think what happened would have still happened?”.  I thought for a moment and then answered “Yes”.  “Why” she asked.  “Because I deserved it”.  I heard myself say the words but my brain started screaming at me.  YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS!!!  But how do you convince yourself of that after you’ve believed for so long that you did deserve it?  I guess that’s something we will work on in future sessions. 

   We talked more and more about angry Shannon and when she would come out.  She asked very specific questions and I started to see where she was going with them.  Angry Shannon really isn’t angry, she’s protective.  She’s only ever out when my anxieties are through the roof and or my fear is rising.  She comes out to protect my body, my heart and my mind.  Looking back over the years she’s only ever come out when I needed the extra strength to get me though something.  This made me feel better.  I said something out loud I hadn’t let myself say ever, even to myself.  I really am a nice person who didn’t deserve the pain that I have endured.  That I only strike back when someone strikes at me first.  What I said to him did not warrant what he did to me and me fighting back didn’t mean I deserved more of it.  Maybe this is a step in the right direction.  Maybe one day I can look in the mirror and not see what I see now. 

 

    My homework for the next week was to write down some of my core values.  I thought about them every day.  I thought about how most people would say “I am nice” or “I am beautiful and smart”.. my list is completely different.  

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

 

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

CeeLo Green’s TBS Reality Show Canceled Prior to Backlash Over Twitter Rape Comments

•September 2, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Shannygirl:

AWESOMENESS!

Originally posted on Variety:

Public criticism is mounting against rapper-actor CeeLo Green, a former judge on NBC’s “The Voice” who was the center of a recent TBS reality series, after controversial statements he made via Twitter during the weekend regarding the nature of rape.

The tweets, now deleted from the account, asserted that women can only be raped if they are conscious, and compared rape to a home invasion. Green faced allegations of sexual assault in 2012, and on Aug. 29 pleaded no contest in Los Angeles to a drug charge.

The outrage stirred by the comments sparked calls for TBS to cancel the reality show “CeeLo Green’s The Good Life.” However, a source said the show was already axed after it completed its first season run earlier this year.

On Aug. 31 Green wrote:

“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously! so WITH Implies consent.”

“People who have really…

View original 186 more words

Ceelo Green.. the worlds biggest POS!

•September 2, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am currently blogging about my road to recovery after a brutal rape years ago.  So this is a very touchy subject for me.  Then today I see this article in the news and I just lost it!

http://www.nbcwashington.com/entertainment/entertainment-news/CeeLo-Green-Deletes-Twitter-Over-Controversial-Rape-Comments-Report-273579051.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_DCBrand

 

Entertainer Ceelo Green pleaded no contest to drugging a woman and having sex with her while she was passed out.  That in itself is bad enough, but what followers is even more disturbing.  This despicable human being tweeted things like..

 

“if someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously! so WITH implies consent,”

and

“People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!”

 

What kind of person believes that if your not conscious and can’t say yes or no that it’s perfectly okay to have sex with them.  That if they are drugged and don’t remember there was no crime committed?  I will tell you what kind, one who has access to millions of young women, one who can flaunt his fame and fortune to those starry eye’d girls and do whatever he wants to them!  What if this was your daughter he did it to?  Your sister?  Your niece?  Would you still buy his music?  Would you continue to watch The Voice and support anything he did that made him even more famous and even richer?  No you wouldn’t.  I don’t believe this piece of shit deserves anything else.  I ask that everyone boycott him, his show’s and anything to do with him!  If Hollywood see’s that he is costing them money rather then making it, guess what?  He will be black listed with a quickness.  

#BOYCOTTCEELOGREEN!! 

The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting…

•September 1, 2014 • 4 Comments

rape-cases

 

 

     Twenty years is a very long time to live with and hide a pain that never seems to heal or go away.  You think you can bury it, just pretend it didn’t happen but it always seems to dig it’s way out and manifest in so many other ways and in so many other aspects of your life.  Twenty years ago someone I loved hurt me, deeply.  It wasn’t the first time he’d hurt me, he would hit me quite often.  He’d tell me how fat I was, how disgusting I was, how repulsive I was and how no one would ever love me, it’s amazing what you learn to live with.  So for the last twenty years I’ve been learning to deal with it, hide it, bury it whatever I could do to just survive the day and after awhile I felt like I was doing it.  I had good days where it never even crossed my mind and then some not so good days where it would rear it’s ugly head.  Then the bad days would hit, days where I couldn’t stop crying or couldn’t even get out of bed.  Every time I looked in the mirror I saw everything he said I was.  There was a very fat, unhappy severely depressed woman who just wanted death to come steal her away in the night.  The harder I tried to be strong the weaker I became.  I let this event shape who I was even though I swore I wouldn’t let it.  

    I have been in therapy on and off for almost 10 yrs, but consistently over the last 3 and half of those years.  I’ve mentioned this event to my therapist but followed it up with a stern “I do not want to talk about it” so instead we discussed my daily life, my daily issue’s, my anxiety disorder and my depression.  We’d talk about my manic days and my calm days.  We’d discuss my suicidal thoughts and my anger in great lengths but never never the rape.  Then one day a few weeks ago (after a couple of manic days followed by a deeper depression that left me exhausted) I walked into her office and said “After 3 1/2 years here I shouldn’t still be feeling like this…going through this.”  Her eye’s widened and she said to me “Shannon.. I’ve been waiting for you to say that.  To get to that point that you were tired enough of running and burying and denying that you were at a point where you could finally see you have to deal with this.  You are exhausted mentally and physically and you need to stop running from it”.  I couldn’t argue with her because what she was saying was the truth.  I was exhausted.  I am exhausted.  My body is running down because of it and it was time.  So I agreed to start intensive therapy with her, meaning a meeting every week until God only knows when.  I was so anxious about it that I broke out in several fever blisters, I lost sleep, hell I even threw up in the Target parking lot that day after I left her office.  I have become so used to running from this the mere thought of actually facing it and talking about it I just lost it.  

    The day arrived for my first session on August 12 of this year.  She asked some deep questions that I had a very hard time answering.  Questions about myself and my early childhood.  Things that would help her and me to see why I ended up in a situation where this happened to me.  My first homework assignment was to write a letter explaining why I thought this traumatic experience happened to me and how it affected me in my daily life now.  This was extremely hard to write because I had to really look into who I was to answer these questions.  I’m going to copy and paste excerpts out of my letter truly laying my most private and internal thoughts on the table for all to see.  I’m doing this because I’m hoping that maybe some day someone will read this and it will help them.  

“My homework is to write why I think this traumatic even occurred.  Well, there are a number of reasons why I think this occurred, but which one is correct?  I guess that’s what I’m here to find out.  I remember growing up and always feeling angry, left out.  Like the world was playing a joke on me and I was the only one who didn’t know it.  I honestly don’t know why I’ve always felt this way, or when it even started.  I was born into an average family, the youngest of 4.  We had the same mom and dad and they were married, so it wasn’t as if I came from a “broken” home.  Yet, I still always felt tarnished, dirty, unworthy.”

“Bill and his friend Tony were in there shooting pool and the instant I saw him something inside me woke up.  I don’t know what it was about him; he wasn’t the greatest looking guy I’d ever seen.  He wasn’t wealthy or even really educated.  He was as common as common could be.  From the moment we got together there was such a deep and intense connection for me to him, something I had never had before.  It was like everything that I had ever looked for to fill those voids in me were in him.”

“On that fateful day in July I came home from an evening tryst with Mike to find Bill actually at home.  He’d been gone that time for a week or so, so it was completely shocking to find him home.  I remember walking in and seeing him and instantly feeling several things.  I was shocked to see him, suddenly feeling guilty for cheating on him, scared to death I was going to be found out and almost empowered by my secret.  I muttered something to him as I walked into the kitchen.  I didn’t want to face him for fear my expression would give away my lies.  I felt him walk up behind me when he asked me “What were you out doing”.   It was in this moment that I made the wrong choice… I knew what I was about to say would set him off, but honestly part of me (a big part) wanted to set him off.  I had been hurt for so long by him I wanted to hurt him.  He was supposed to love me till death do us part, not a month then decide he was repulsed by me after that.  He was supposed to protect me, not hurt me, to be my friend, not my enemy.  He was none of the things he was supposed to be to me and I wanted to hurt him for it.  I wanted validation to leave him, even though looking back I can see I had validation months before this point.  I don’t know what kept me there for so long.  I could have left at any moment but I always felt as though I had to stay.  If I walked away it would be my fault that my marriage failed and not only would I be fat and repulsive but a failure to boot.  So I replied “The exact same thing YOU go out and do all the time”.  That set off a rage in him I had never seen before. … One I would grow to be scarred from both physically and mentally for the rest of my life.”

“What have I been thinking about this event.. I think that if I had not been so insecure and stubborn none of this would have happened.  Maybe if I had (or would feel) like I deserved better in this life the outcome would have been and would be so different now.  I know that this particular event has affected every aspect of my life, from relationships to self-worth.  I find myself believing that I do not deserve happiness.  That my life has been cursed and because I am fat and repulsive I am never meant to find happiness, peace… acceptance.  I am in constant fear of being viewed as weak that I won’t let myself be open to anyone.  I have built walls around my heart so that no one can hurt me.  Maybe this is why I’ve never felt the same way about anyone else?  Always keeping them at arm’s length away so that they don’t see the true Shannon, the one who is ugly from the inside out.  I find that I cannot trust anyone 100%, I’m lucky if I trust them 50%.”

I was supposed to write about how it affects different things in my life like control.  On this particular point I cannot copy and post it because it has things in it that are dealing with my current husband and in respect to him I will not post it.  I will say that because of this I fight constantly for complete control of every aspect of my life, from my kids to money to sex to everything.

“Safety.  Well some would say that even with all that I’ve been through I still have no regard for my personal safety.  If someone threatens me I will never NEVER back down.  Do your worst, I’ve already lived through hell.  Now saying that I don’t agree with them because I won’t purposely put myself in harm’s way anymore.  I find that the older I am getting the less I will do things on my own.  I used to love getting in my car and taking long un-routed drives on Sundays.  Go where ever the wind blows me and find new things to see or do, but now I find that I find reasons to not go.  I’m becoming to worried and scared to go on my own.  I won’t even go to the mall by myself at night because of it.  It’s like I went from being 10 feet tall and bullet proof to 80 years old with brittle bones fearing the slightest fall. “

“Intimacy.  This is a tough one for me.  I have never been faithful to any person I’ve ever been with.  Ever.  For some reason I’ve always had to have a “fall back guy”.  Of course it was usually the same guy up until he died a few years ago, if that makes any difference, I don’t know.   I find that I crave sex, I honestly can’t get enough of it.  But rarely do I feel satisfied and often feel like even more is missing afterwards.  With my husband now it is different than it has been; or rather I should say it was different.  But lately with his issue’s and my issue’s I’m finding that I’m back to wanting something different.  I have to fight the urge to find someone on the side almost daily now.  There has always been emptiness within me that no matter how hard I have tried I cannot fill it with sex.  I thought that finally finding someone to love and who loves me (and I do believe in my heart he does love me) that would change.  But it hasn’t.  I don’t’ know why I always feel the need to have “approval” of other men and why the approval of the one is never enough.  It drives me insane sometimes trying to figure it all out.  I also find that sometimes, even though I am completely aroused and wanting sex the minute it starts I am instantly out of the mood and do not want it.  I kinda check out mentally until it is over.  I don’t’ let on to my husband about this but I know there have been times he’s felt that I really wasn’t there.”

 

This was the letter I had to write… and then I had to face the real me.  It’s hard to read these things about me.  It’s hard to walk around feeling like a failure every day of my life and honestly I just don’t want to anymore.  I am planning on writing about every session.. and hopefully when I get to the other side of this journey… I’ll have a better understanding of me, and a true acceptance of who I am.  Hopefully by going through this I will at last find peace and happiness.  

I also wanted to say that rape is not just a stranger who decides to violate someone else.  It’s not only a friend who decided to show his/her true colors.  It doesn’t only happen if you sit your drink down and someone puts a drug in it.  Sometimes its your husband or your wife.  Sometimes it’s the person who was supposed to love you most in this world.  All rape is a horrendous crime but when it’s someone you live with, someone who can do it whenever they feel like it because they feel you are their spouse and they own you and no isn’t really no, it makes life so unbearable that death begins to sound better.

Every2mins Date_Rape_Project1___Approach3_by_c_ko

 

Here is the number to the National Sexual Assault Hotline.. 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

 

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline

 

 

 

 
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