Yeah, my son is different. So what, different is good.

Earlier this morning my husband and I were catching up on our DVR’d show’s before he had to leave to go to work.  One of the show’s that we’ve grown fond of is Donnie loves Jenny.  We really only got involved in watching it because of course it came on right after Wahlburgers and frankly we love that show.  This mornings episode (okay technically last nights) really hit me hard, so hard in fact I almost teared up!  I had to choke back the tears when they were watching the video’s Donnie had of when he became a father and how loving the entire family was around him and his kids.  Jenny then tells Donnie that she really didn’t have much video of her son Evan because what was she going to video tape?  I can’t remember the exact wording and my husband has already deleted it and it’s not on youtube (I checked) but it was pretty much her saying what was she going to video tape, her child being different, sick even if you will.

She told Donnie about a time she took Evan to the zoo and would say “Look Evan, look at all the monkeys” but because of his illness he was more entranced by the shape the fence made and how it all connected then he was the monkeys.  Jenny talked about the guilt she felt for thinking there was something wrong with her son, and at that moment I wanted to cry.  I have felt that guilt for 17 1/2 years now, and even though to me he’s perfect in his odd ways to the world he’s an outcast.

In the next scene she and Donnie are face-timing with Jenny’s mother and they start discussing how Evan would spend hours just spinning wheels, like if he had a car he would flip it over and just sit there and spin the wheels for hours and hours.  My son, Jonathan had his own “uniqueness” to his way of playing.  He would push everything.  Literally, just push it.  That’s how he played.  For Christmas when he was 1 1/2 we bought him one of those ride on Lil Tykes 4 wheeler.  We sat him on it and showed him where to put his feet and that if he pushed the little pedal down the 4 wheeler would go.  He would never ride on it.  He would always get off and start pushing it.  We would put him back on it and show him again but he would get frustrated with us and get off and go to the back of it and start pushing it.

One of the toys my son loved most was Hot Wheels, he had hundreds of them (still does).  The other toy was Lego’s to which he did and still does have hundreds of them.  When he played with the Hot Wheels he would line them up in a single file line that spanned the length of the entire house sometimes and he would start at the beginning of the line and would push one of the cars an inch or two, then he’d go to the next car and push it the exact same distance.  He would do this until he reached the end of the line and he’d walk back to the beginning and start all over spending hours pushing these cars from one side of the room to the other only to turn them all around and do it all over again.  He was more then happy just being by himself and pushing his toys around the room or the back yard.  Sometimes becoming so excited with some new way he’d figured out how to push something that he’d have to come run and tell me all about it and beg me to come see.  So I would go and watch my baby go back into his own little reality world and push the toys and be so proud of himself for what he was doing.

On occasion I would set up play dates with other boys that were his age that we had met through little league or pre K, but those never turned out very well, and we were very seldom ever being asked back.  It wasn’t because my son was mean or misbehaved while there, but only because he kept to himself and the other “normal” kids just didn’t see the fun in playing with someone like him.  After each visit we’d usually get that awkward “Yeah, we’ll call you and set something up” and I’d know that meant no, we won’t call you.  There was one woman who was always so very nice to me and my family, always inviting us to do stuff.  Her and I are still friends today even though we live more then 1000 miles apart.

It’s very hard to be a parent of a child that most of the world see’s as “damaged” and doesn’t really want to get to know.  It’s heartbreaking to know that your kid is walking around the school’s with a bulls-eye painted on their backs and that anything they say or do is going to be ridiculed by some little shit whose parents have not done very good job’s in raising them to be tolerant of those that aren’t “normal”.  It’s even harder to remind yourself that you are the adult and smacking the shit out of some little punk who has made your baby cry or turn even more inside themselves is against the law.   The hardest thing though, is being a parent and trying very hard to not feel guilty, that maybe it was something you did while pregnant that made them this way.  Maybe I ate something that had a chemical in it, or maybe it’s that I myself is damaged and I’ve passed that onto my child.  The guilt eats you up, then you start feeling even more guilty because you feel guilt that you don’t believe your child is perfect and every parent should always feel this way.

When we decide to have kids we usually pray that they are healthy and have 10 fingers and 10 toes and 2 eyes.  We try not to picture the worst of things that can happen and when we get to hold that perfect bundle of joy in our arms for that first time, oh how the tears fall.  For me, my heart filled with a love that I never knew I was capable of feeling for anyone.  He was a huge 8 lbs 15 oz and 21 inch long direct link to my heart.  I promised to love him forever and take care of him and protect him no matter what.  I wasn’t given an instruction manual on how to raise a child who would later be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD (severe), ODD (again severe) and OCD traits.  I knew something was wrong by time he was 6 months old.  He stopped napping during the day, and if I forced him to sleep he would sleep for 15 mins and then would be up until 3 or 4 the next morning and he sleep until 6 and be up and going again all day.  I was exhausted and the guilt ate away at my soul.  We saw doctor after doctor, some of whom wrote papers for the AMA on how severe his disorders were.  We started medications at age 5 and that just compounded the guilt.

My son is now a senior in High School.  He is still a loner but he does have a few friends.  He’s not motivated to do much of anything in life and I feel he will have to live with us forever because he will be unable to support himself.  I hope that I am wrong but unless something changes for him right now he’s happier in his room alone and away from the harsh world we live in.

I see that the world is changing towards kids like mine, but it’s slow in coming.  Every day I read a story about how some random person stood up for someone like Jonathan and it makes me happy to know that these stories are happening.  The guilt I have will most likely always live within me, I will always wonder if it was something I did or didn’t do correctly.  I’m still learning as I’m going, no one has written that manual yet!

My son will never be the prom King, he won’t be the star quarterback for the team and he’ll never be voted most popular but so what!  How many hundreds of kids across the USA get those every year?  My son has something most kids these days don’t, an imagination.  He may go far in this world, further then anyone every thought he could.  I just know that no matter what he accomplishes in life, I will always be standing behind him, cheering him on being his #1 fan!  It’s okay to be different, in fact it’s a good thing.  Being the “same” as everyone else is boring as hell and boring is one thing me and my kids have never been accused of being!

 

 

The Road to Healing begins with Hurting.. session 6

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So last week’s session was kind of a break from “facing the demon’s” and more of a “lets deal with how your feeling right now” kinda day.  I had had a manic day the Sunday before, even though I didn’t realize it until Monday that I was in manic mode.   I spent the entire day in the kitchen Sunday.  I roasted 2 sugar pumpkins then made puree’ out of them.  Then I roasted the seeds. I baked banana bread, banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, bread and made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Then I made dinner.  I was going full force from the time I got up until the time I went to bed.  Monday wasn’t much different for me except I realized that I was in manic mode.  I did a lot of stuff at work, started a new class, got all my paperwork done ect.  I also found that I was sexually charged up, even more so then normal.  I’ll explain why this was important to tell in a moment.  By time Tuesday rolled around (appointment day) I was tired.  I was coming down off the manic high and heading for the inevitable crash afterwards.

From the moment she saw me in the waiting room she knew I was aggravated.  I told her about my week before and about my 2 manic days and how even though I was running and running and going I was extremely horny and frustrated because my husband and I were unable to take care of the problem (life sucks sometimes).  She started telling me how most bipolar people are hyper-sexual people.  I had never heard that term associated with bipolar before.  She started talking about it and how not being able to fulfill that sexual need in that moment it added to the chaos already in my brain.  I’ve inserted a link to an article that will help you understand the connection.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

If you’ve been reading my blog, especially these concerning my therapy then you’ll remember in the beginning I had to write a letter talking about how the rape affected me then and now.  One of the things I’d talked about is how I had never been faithful to any man before my current husband and always had to have a back up guy.  How I crave the attention and approval of other men.   I found another article that talks about the symptoms of Hyper-sexuality and guess what??? yup.. it’s me!

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

We talked about ways to try to deal with my sexual needs and desires.  I told her how they seem to be getting more severe with age.  It’s hard to function sometimes when you constantly feel like your vagina is plugged in and electrically charged all the freaking time!! What’s even more confusing to my already messed up brain is how I’m constantly wanting the same thing (sex.. not the violence) as the very thing I was in this intensive therapy for.  How does a sane person crave sex, literally thinking about 100 times a day or more when they’ve been so violently assaulted in the most private of ways?  Shouldn’t I not want sex?  At least not every freaking minute of every freaking day?  Just writing about it is starting to get me pissed off again!  I just want my brain and body to work normally for once.  Is that too much to ask for?

Anyways, tomorrow’s session is probably going to be like last week’s.  My homework was the ABC worksheets, which I haven’t done.  I mean I have in my mind I just haven’t written it all down.  Until then…

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

 

Hmmmm… A Previous Life Maybe?

this is my 2nd great grand Uncle...

this is my 2nd great grand Uncle…

 

Me before the weight loss

Me before the weight loss

So I’m doing my family tree on Ancestry… I came across this picture of my 2nd great grand uncle Eli…. hmmm I’ve always said I had a previous life and I was a man in it… here’s the proof!!!!!!  Scary huh.. My question is… Why couldn’t I take after my great grandmother Clydia Underwood????

So beautiful...

So beautiful…

Who me… obsessed???? Naw

Have you ever obsessed on something?? I mean really obsessed?  I have a tendency of doing that on so many things.. I find some new food that I love and I eat it until I’m sick to death of it.. can anyone say hummus?  When I started exercising a totally over did it to the point of getting not 1 but 2 Hernia’s that I’m still recovering from and now I’m obsessing on boxing.. to the point I wanted pink boxing gloves for my anniversary and GOT THEM!  I use to joke that I had an addictive personality… guess it’s true..

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See.. mine are the pink one’s.. my hubby’s are the blue one’s.. we gave each other the gift of good health for our soon to be 4th anniversary!

I have some other things that I’m totally obsessing on but I’m not about to put it on here (I have family that reads this).. but some of you (my followers) know what it is.. and I’m becoming completely obsessed on it.  I day dream about it at work.. I pray that I get to experience it more and more.. I guess it’s a good thing that I stopped doing drugs a long time ago..

 

Yay.. My first Guest Blogger!!!

Well.. today I put out the call for guest bloggers and YAY..It is Sophie from saved in drafts.  She’s full of lots of fun.. has a great blog, so you should really go check her out!  I’m so happy that she got to be my first!  🙂

 

Dear sleep

I miss our meetings, what was it that made us drift apart? Drift apart to the point where we can hardly stand to be together for more than a few hours at a time?

I feel like I took advantage of you, you’re right, I didn’t appreciate the time we had together and instead chose to avoid you in order to do more things for me- purely selfish I know- and I’m sorry. I’ve tried to change, I’ve tried to get us back on track but being with you again like that…it felt so forced and unnatural- it just felt…wrong. No matter how hard I tried you just couldn’t seem to let go of our rocky past…I just don’t know what else I can do. You need to accept the boundaries of our relationship. – no more nightmarish revenge, no more disappearing when I need you the most and likewise no more turning up unannounced.

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It’s really inappropriate for you to visit in the early hours of the morning and force yourself on me (oo-er) till lunchtime. Likewise it’s not fair for you to creep in on the odd afternoon and surprise me. I have a family to care for, I want to spend time with them, be with them and sleep when they sleep… Why can’t you let me do that? If you continue to act like this I will continue to fight you, I’ll fight to be with my family and I’ll fight for my health.

Sure, there have been times when they have come between us, times when they have dragged us apart due to their own issues with you…I know that hurt you, it hurt me too because those were the times I missed you so much and waiting to see you again the next night seemed to last forever.

I still miss you now, I’ve been hooking up with caffeine most mornings to try and ease the pain, to try and forget about you…but if I’m honest…

imagesNothing can replace you, I need you in my life. I feel weak without you, I’m snapping at the people I love… And I can’t concentrate on the simplest of tasks.

Can’t we put our differences behind us and get back to normal? Back to how things should be?

 

 

Oh how I can totally relate to how Sophie is feeling with this post… I am happy to say however that with the help of Percocets my bed and I have a wonderful relationship… but that stupid pain is jealous and continue’s to wake me up!!! GRrrr…  Great job Sophie!!!!! Love my first ever guest blog!!!  NOW.. WHOSE NEXT?

Lacy’s Journal

I am so glad I decided to dress up today.. I just had this feeling.  Yeah.. normally I throw on a little make up and go but today.. I got dressed up and guess what??? I saw him!  I stopped at my normal coffee spot before work and he was there… and in uniform… oh.. he looks so good in that uniform.  I literally get butterflies when I see him.. I feel like a giddy teenager… of course then reality hits me, like this morning.  Jackson came over and told me good morning and as soon as we started chatting about how random it was to run into each other there.. my freaking phone went off.  It was Craig wanting to know where Brianna’s phone was because she couldn’t find it.. Why the hell would I know? Its not my phone, it’s hers.. my guess is it’s in her room on silent.. go look for it.    I hang up and try to resume my conversation with hottie cop and BAM.. my phone goes off again.  Jackson just smiled politely and said he hoped to see me again and wished me a good day… he’s so cute..

What am I doing??? I’m an old married woman.. I need to just realize that he’s only being nice to the middle aged woman and stop acting like a giddy little girl…

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Calling all bloggers…

Okay, okay.. I’ll jump on the bandwagon.. what can I say, I cave into peer pressure.  So I guess since everyone else is doing this “guest” blogger thing I will too.  So who would like the opportunity to be my official first guest blogger (I know I know, my husband’s already done that but he doesn’t count.. I mean we live together)… I’m talking about one of you lucky bloggers in blogger land that I’m not married too, living with, related too or having sex with…Hit me up with a yes you would like too.. my email is shanson3871@gmail.com.  It can be about anything you’d like (EXCEPT.. you knew this was coming…except religion, politics, or anything that’s boring, not fun, lacking of interest ect ect.)  I love poetry.. I love cooking.. I love sarcasm and sex.. I love daily stupid people stories… show me what ya got!

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