Have you ever thought about your own funeral?

The last few months have been just emotionally and physically exhausting.  It’s brought out deep dark seeded thoughts that I had thought were gone forever, but apparently they aren’t.  I had to run to the store today to buy crickets and worms for Draco when a song came on the radio and my mind went down that dark road… I started thinking of my funeral.  How it’s going to happen, where, who will come, who will even care.  I mean I know my husband will, and my kids will be devastated, and a few family members and friends.. but I doubt I’ll fill an entire funeral home, like my mother and father did. It’s not that I’m not as nice as they were, maybe I’m just not as well known. Maybe it’s because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety disorder and people can’t understand it and just discard me like yesterday’s trash because “I’m so negative”.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’m told “JUST GET OVER IT”… yeah if it were only that easy. Anyways, the song was..

Anyways, I got to thinking “Does my husband know everything I want for my funeral”.  I mean I know he knows I want to be cremated and I know he knows a couple of the songs I want so I figured, hey this would be a good blog.  This way when the times come not only does my husband and children know, my family knows.

First off, I don’t want a funeral.  I want those who come to say goodbye to me to be the opposite of how I’ve lived.  I want them to be happy.  To be worry free about me. To know that finally I have found peace and serenity.  I want them to have a party, if I were Irish I’d say have a Wake instead.  Celebrate the things I did manage to accomplish and forget the thing I failed on.

There are a few songs I want played, the first one is the video I posted earlier.  Here is my list for the rest.

1> Don’t you cry tonight .  Guns and Roses

2> November Rain.  Guns and Roses again

3> Don’t fear the reaper . Blue Oyster Cult

4> Dust in the wind.  Kansas

5> Home Sweet Home.. Motley Crue

That’s it… There are a hundred more I could list but I don’t think people will want to be there for hours so.. just those.  If anyone wants to request a song that reminds them of me, let em.  I mean they are there to celebrate my life so whatever makes them happy, let them have it.

There are a few people I do not want there.  I have thought about it and have decided that if they can’t be in my life while I am alive, they can’t celebrate my life after.  First off, I do not want my mothers other daughter there.  Now mom had 3 girls, and Michelle had better be there!!! As for that other one, no.  Absolutely not.  And my husband has direct orders to remove her should she show up, which I doubt she would anyways.  ANYONE who has unfriended me on facebook.  Fuck them.  If they couldn’t handle my “posts” they don’t get to celebrate my life.

I want to be cremated.  Don’t you dare put me in a box in the ground.  I will come back and haunt the shit out of anyone who puts me in the ground.  I really like the idea of having my ashes mixed in with soil and a tree planted.  I’d like to be a Weeping Willow if possible.

http://bigthink.com/design-for-good/this-awesome-urn-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-after-you-die

Let my kids and husband decide where to plant my tree.  My husband and kids get my possessions.  They get to decide what they want to do with them, as I don’t have much.  My son knows he gets my cross and necklace, Shelby gets my rings and earrings.  My clothes I want donated to a foundation that helps women who have manged to escape an abusive marriage/man and have to start all over again with nothing.

I don’t want anyone to give a Eulogy.. naw.. that’s a lot to put on one person.  I want everyone who wants to to tell a story about something we did.  Some craziness from our pasts together.  I want to look down and see everyone laughing at the stupid shit I managed to get away with.

So there ya have it. That’s what I want and now it’s forever written into universe.  Oh, and if my husband puts any pictures of me up, he’d better use the flattering one’s.

Hippie Tree

Feel a little better today… so I spent the afternoon painting…I need to start writing again.. maybe I’ll get motivated to do that soon.

My goal for Old Age!

• 

No Shame In My Game

In today’s society it seems that it’s more important to be skinny and perfect looking with a fit and fabulous body then it is to be well educated, polite, kind and giving.  It’s really sad when you think about it, but it’s our own fault because we “buy” into it by spending our money on the photo shopped pictures in the magazines, the billions we spend on diet fads and so on.

When I was 270 pounds I covered up everything.  I rarely wore shorts, always long T-Shirts that went to my thighs to make sure none of my belly was ever seen!  I didn’t even really wear flip flops because I didn’t want anyone to see my fat feet.  Almost 4 years ago I took drastic measures to get the weight off (for health reasons, not cosmetic) and had the Gastric Bypass.  After losing more then a hundred pounds I was left looking fantastic!!!  In clothes only.  Naked was a totally different story.  My thighs looked like a helium balloon that had deflated to the point that it barely had any air in it.  My boobs, which were never that great to begin with, they looked like they’d been stuck in a Mammogram machine for a couple of weeks.  Deflated and floppy!  My saving grace on that was I was never well endowed up top anyways so at least they hang to my belly button!  My belly, omg I can’t even begin to describe the total and complete disgrace I felt when looking at it!  I mean at least when I was fat it was filled out, now it looks like bread dough that has risen then punched back down!  I literally wanted to cry every time I saw myself naked and I truly did not want my husband to see my ugly gut!  One day however I decided that I would step outside my comfort zone and bought a bikini.  Of course I still bought swim shorts instead of a bikini bottom (I can’t show those thighs in public.. I just can’t).

I still despise my stomach and thighs (my boobs are better since I’ve put back on a few pounds) but I’m not going to hide it anymore.  This body is my body and it’s the only one I have.  It gets me up every morning and it keeps me going every day.  It’s housed 2 little humans for 9 months and 4 others for 8 to 10 weeks.  It has survived 8 abdominal surgeries, 4 of which have been in the last 3 1/2 years.  So I’m going to show you all what a body looks like that has gone from a size 24 to a size 6/8 and has had numerous medical procedures done on it.  Why?  So other women and men will hopefully see it and decide that they shouldn’t feel shame about what their bodies look like.  Maybe someone has a stomach that looks like mine too.  The fact is, weighing 145 pounds doesn’t make you feel any closer to “Looking like the media says you should” then weighting 245 pounds does.  What they show is not real. It’s photo shopped, it’s plastic surgery, it’s botox.. it’s anything but natural.

 

You can see that I am still swollen from the last surgery that was just a few short weeks ago, but the lumpiness will never go away.  I have too many “indented” scars to ever have a flat stomach.  My belly button is anything but a button!  It now looks like a slit thanks to the gallbladder surgery back in 97.  I will tell you though, my youngest kitty loves my tummy.  She climbs up on me and starts kneading it like bread dough, curls up and goes sound to sleep on it!  And I know that if I had a baby right now, that baby would sleep comfortably on my tummy because it’s as squishy as a pillow!  This summer I will be pool side in my bikini top and swim shorts and I’m not going to worry one little bit about what anyone thinks.

http://www.gofundme.com/l15zms

 

I am still asking for help so please feel free to share this with everyone.  Medical bills are starting to come in and life is happening and we are down to half a pay for 4 to survive on.  Thank you for any and all help.

28 Days Til Spring

 

I ask myself this question every winter!!! Every winter I say I’m moving back south…. so I’ll say it again.. I’m moving back down south.

 

Here works for me!

My Crush of the Month for October 2014

What better way to celebrate the month of Halloween and spoke than with my crush of the month being someone who plays the part of character that is synonymous is with Halloween.  This particular story is one that as children we couldn’t wait for October to roll around so we could see this cartoon in school, and sometime on TV.  This months crush is the actor who plays Ichabod Crane

okay.. not him.. but him.. Tom Mison

Don’t recognize him?  How bout this one…

Yeah.. now you know who he is!  Tom Mison plays Ichabod Crane on the hit show “Sleepy Hollow”.  He is the whole package, tall, fit, handsome.. and his character is a true gentleman.  If you don’t watch the show, you really should!  So for this month…

24 Things only Anxious People Will Understand.. to true.

I came across this article from BuzzFeed today and had to giggle.  You see I suffer from anxiety disorder and I completely agreed with every single thing they said.  Here is the link to the article for you to check out.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/things-only-anxious-people-will-understand?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#18wtwae

I decided to go down the list and let you know how I agree from my perspective… give you some glimpse of the craziness that goes on in my brain!

1. You have a constant feeling of unease..

.  YES and those days where you have this feeling that something horrific is going to happen you walk around thinking the phone is going to go off at any moment and it’s going to be the absolute worse thing ever!  Or, God forbid something good happens because then you walk around waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop on your head!

2. Your anxiety causes actual physical discomfort and pain.

This is the absolute truth.  I constantly have headaches, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts.  There are days I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

3. Which at its worst turns into a full-blown panic attack.

Luckily as I’ve gotten older the panic attacks have become fewer and fewer.  I remember the worse one I ever had was after my son was born.  He was lets say a handful to handle when he was younger (severe ADHD, ODD, Aspergers, OCD traits, it wasn’t easy) and we were at the grocery store one day.  The stimulation was too much for him and he lost it, screaming and crying, throwing things out of the cart onto the floor.  The entire store watching my every move, judging me as the worst parent ever, not knowing if I should ignore the behavior, spank him or what.  I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough and ended up dropping to the floor and crying and feeling like I was having a heart attack.  Luckily there was this older woman who must have known what I was dealing with because she ran up to me (butting through the people screaming I was having a heart attack call 911 which just made it worse) and told everyone to get back and give me air.  She gave my son a piece of candy and talked calmly and quietly to me telling me to just breath through it. After I regained my composure she walked me to my car and told me “Just remember honey.. that baby is a precious gift.  He may try you at times but his love for you will be deep as yours for him”… she hugged me and I went on my way.  I rarely took my son to the store w/ me again.

4. Your mind is constantly racing.

Imagine my brain is like a NASCAR race going 200 mph around the track, then for shits and giggles, through in oh 10 or 15 other cars heading in the opposite direction weaving in and out of the racers.. yeah.. that’s my brain.  24/7.  It never stops.

5. And you’re always second-guessing yourself.

Oh lord.. this can range from life changing decisions to “I turned off the stove, didn’t I?”.

6. Seriously you question EVERYTHING.

Not only do I question everything.. I’ve taught my kids to question everything and I usually turn those questions into “What if” questions.  Which drives my husband utterly insane.

7. You have zero ability to switch off.

Even on sleeping pills I find I wake up in the middle of night thinking about things that I did, have to do, didn’t do, need to do ect.  Watching TV or listening to the radio I have those pesky thoughts in the back of my head going “You really need to go do this”.. Hell, sitting here writing this I’m thinking of 5 other things!

8. Feel like watching a funny movie? NOPE.

Now I guess I’m a little different here because I truly enjoy a good funny movie.  It takes my mind off the self loathing thing for a little while.

9. Want to catch up on some sleep? NOPE.

Not without medication, and as I stated early even that doesn’t keep me snoozing!I take a sleeping pill with a muscle relaxer and sometimes pain pill and I’ll still wake up seven times a night!

10. Having an interesting conversation with a friend? NOPE.

I have no problem w/ this one either.  I love having conversations with my friends. Of course they have to be able to keep up with me.

11. You get anxiety about anxiety.

Oh yes!  If everything is going smoothly I will start to worry something is fixing to happen.  It’s that whole other shoe dropping thing.  My husband tells me all the time I find things to worry about, and I do.

12. You are never really ~in the moment~.

What is this living in the moment thing?  I have no clue what that is!  None..

13. Trying to make a decision is excruciatingly painful.

Naw.. I’m good with making decisions.  I’m a Virgo and crave control so it’s nice and easy for me to tell people what we are doing!

14. And even when you make a decision you immediately worry if it was the right one.

Now this one is true.  Oh crap, what if I chose the wrong place to eat and we all get food poisoning.  If we buy this here I’m sure we’ll find it cheaper somewhere else!  Now I won’t be able to pay my rent since I bought this $39.00 pair of shoe’s!

15. It takes forever for you to do anything because you’re frequently lost inside your own head.

Nope.. I get shit done!  I stress on it until I have it done.

16. You’re exhausted. All. The. Time.

God yes!  My favorite saying.. “I’m much to young to feel this damn old”… some days I feel like I could sleep for a month.  Of course I can’t but it would be nice.

17. You find yourself in the bizarre situation of not being able to trust your own brain.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve ended up somewhere thinking.. how the hell did I get into this mess.

18. Then you’re faced with the difficult prospect of trying to combat your anxiety with the very thing that is causing it.

I’m in therapy for this!

19. Well-meaning people try to help, but sometimes make it worse.

YES.  My husband especially.  He’ll say things like “Just don’t worry” or “it’ll work out, I don’t know how it just will”.. you can’t tell someone like me these 2 things.. you just can’t.

20. People who DON’T mean well make it a lot worse.

Both of my ex’s.  “Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to get this done”.. or “You are the worst ever”.. heard all of it.

21. You really worry about being a burden on the people you love.

This one is really difficult because I have days where I find myself literally trying to push my loved ones away from me.  I’ve had more days where my brain has told me that if I just killed myself everyone I loved would be so much better off.    Just recently on one of my bad days I held the tip of a knife to my wrist and wondered would it hurt?  would it be quick?  Would they miss me if I was gone?  It’s truly a horrible thing to feel.

22. You want nothing more than to just stop worrying but you literally can’t.

My new years resolution this year was to just be happy.  I’m still working on that.

23. You know there are things that could help your anxiety, but you feel anxious about trying them.

I can sum this up for you.  All medications for this are WEIGHT GAINING MEDICATIONS.. I won’t take them!

24. Finally, there’s the relief of being able to talk to someone about your worries and knowing they totally understand.

I have my therapist, but honestly sometimes I feel like even she’s getting tired of me.

If you need to talk to someone, you can call Beyond Blue Australia on 1300 22 4636, Anxiety UK on 08444 775 774 or Hopeline America on 1800 784 2433.

My Crush of the Month for June 2014

I’m so excited for this months crush.. .why you ask?  Because it’s a NEW crush.  It’s not someone who has been around for years and years… and it’s not someone that makes me feel like cougar for crushing on him.  I discovered his hotness when my husband got me interested in the TV Series Grimm, which is amazing in case you haven’t started watching it.. you should! This man speaks different languages in real life and on the show.. his body is AMAZING… he’s tall.. oh I could keep going on but I’ll stop now.. I’m at work!!

 

So here ya go.. enjoy

Sasha Rioz is a rising star… According to IMDb he’s been acting since 2001.. and I really hope he has a very long and successful career.  And of course.. is in ANYTHING that takes his shirt off and has him speak Russian/French whatever!

My Crush of the Month for May 2014

Hi all.. yeah yeah I know.. I’m still MIA… I’m sorry.. I really am working on some stuff in my head so I can get back to writing.. I promise.  Until then.. here is my crush of the month pick for May.  I chose this person in honor of my sister who is battling cancer for the 3rd time!  She is accepting donations to help her pay for all the radiation treatments and chemo treatments and to just be able to feed her 3 babies!  Here is the link to her page, please please help her out.. share her story.. her link.

http://www.gofundme.com/KickCancerWithNikki

 

So for you Nikki….

 

 

Lynda Carter is one of those timeless beauties who age so well you almost kinda hate them for it! 🙂  I remember watching her show as a child and just being stunned by her beauty.

Just amazing!

 

ROCK THAT OUTFIT!!

 

 

My crush of the month for April

Well.. I’m a little late on the crush blog again this month.. man.. my mind just isn’t where it should be.  Okay, so my crush of the month for April is an older actor but he’s still just as cute as he can be.  I’ve seen almost every movie he’s ever been in and I personally think he is one of the greatest actors of all time!  Is he drop dead gorgeous?  No, he’s no Dwayne Johnson but his personality just shine’s through making him crush worthy!

 

So.. for the month of April my crush is..Tom Hanks!

Bosom Buddies Days.. where my love for him started.

 

Oh yeah.. looking good here!

 

Even with the gray’s he’s still good looking.

 

Extremely handsome here.

 

There is just something about him that makes you smile.. that makes you think that you could be happily married to him.  He is an all around great guy and role model.  So Mr. Hanks… from your loyal fan of 30+ years.. Thank you for all that you have done!