Have you ever thought about your own funeral?

The last few months have been just emotionally and physically exhausting.  It’s brought out deep dark seeded thoughts that I had thought were gone forever, but apparently they aren’t.  I had to run to the store today to buy crickets and worms for Draco when a song came on the radio and my mind went down that dark road… I started thinking of my funeral.  How it’s going to happen, where, who will come, who will even care.  I mean I know my husband will, and my kids will be devastated, and a few family members and friends.. but I doubt I’ll fill an entire funeral home, like my mother and father did. It’s not that I’m not as nice as they were, maybe I’m just not as well known. Maybe it’s because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety disorder and people can’t understand it and just discard me like yesterday’s trash because “I’m so negative”.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’m told “JUST GET OVER IT”… yeah if it were only that easy. Anyways, the song was..

Anyways, I got to thinking “Does my husband know everything I want for my funeral”.  I mean I know he knows I want to be cremated and I know he knows a couple of the songs I want so I figured, hey this would be a good blog.  This way when the times come not only does my husband and children know, my family knows.

First off, I don’t want a funeral.  I want those who come to say goodbye to me to be the opposite of how I’ve lived.  I want them to be happy.  To be worry free about me. To know that finally I have found peace and serenity.  I want them to have a party, if I were Irish I’d say have a Wake instead.  Celebrate the things I did manage to accomplish and forget the thing I failed on.

There are a few songs I want played, the first one is the video I posted earlier.  Here is my list for the rest.

1> Don’t you cry tonight .  Guns and Roses

2> November Rain.  Guns and Roses again

3> Don’t fear the reaper . Blue Oyster Cult

4> Dust in the wind.  Kansas

5> Home Sweet Home.. Motley Crue

That’s it… There are a hundred more I could list but I don’t think people will want to be there for hours so.. just those.  If anyone wants to request a song that reminds them of me, let em.  I mean they are there to celebrate my life so whatever makes them happy, let them have it.

There are a few people I do not want there.  I have thought about it and have decided that if they can’t be in my life while I am alive, they can’t celebrate my life after.  First off, I do not want my mothers other daughter there.  Now mom had 3 girls, and Michelle had better be there!!! As for that other one, no.  Absolutely not.  And my husband has direct orders to remove her should she show up, which I doubt she would anyways.  ANYONE who has unfriended me on facebook.  Fuck them.  If they couldn’t handle my “posts” they don’t get to celebrate my life.

I want to be cremated.  Don’t you dare put me in a box in the ground.  I will come back and haunt the shit out of anyone who puts me in the ground.  I really like the idea of having my ashes mixed in with soil and a tree planted.  I’d like to be a Weeping Willow if possible.

http://bigthink.com/design-for-good/this-awesome-urn-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-after-you-die

Let my kids and husband decide where to plant my tree.  My husband and kids get my possessions.  They get to decide what they want to do with them, as I don’t have much.  My son knows he gets my cross and necklace, Shelby gets my rings and earrings.  My clothes I want donated to a foundation that helps women who have manged to escape an abusive marriage/man and have to start all over again with nothing.

I don’t want anyone to give a Eulogy.. naw.. that’s a lot to put on one person.  I want everyone who wants to to tell a story about something we did.  Some craziness from our pasts together.  I want to look down and see everyone laughing at the stupid shit I managed to get away with.

So there ya have it. That’s what I want and now it’s forever written into universe.  Oh, and if my husband puts any pictures of me up, he’d better use the flattering one’s.

Mr. Postman.. please deliver this to Heaven for me

Dear Mom…

Tomorrow makes 15 years ago that you left us.  Some days it feels like just yesterday when you left, other days it feels like you’ve been gone forever.  You’ve missed so much in our lives and I wish I could talk to you and tell you about it all!  I know you see it from where you spend your days, but I still wish I could just sit and talk to you about it.  Oh how I miss you..

Jonathan is going to turn 18 in a month!  Can you believe that?  He’s a senior in High School getting ready to graduate.  His dream of joining the military he has realized will not come true because of the medicine’s he takes every day so now he has decided he wants to be a police officer.  I won’t lie, it’s scary because it’s scary times right now for Law Enforcement, but I will support him in whatever he wants to do with his life.  The last time you saw him he was a chubby cheeked cherub who was running non stop and driving me crazy!  You only got to see him two times, once when he was just 12 weeks old and then again when he was a year old.  I managed to snap a picture of you holding him that last time we ever got to see you.  Do you remember this day?  I do, but sadly Jonathan does not.

You left this Earth 2 years before Shelby graced us with her presence.  I’m positive you hand picked her out and sent her to me.  She has been my saving grace so many times.  Uncle Keith got to meet her a few years ago and he said she looked exactly like you did at that age.  In fact, he repeated it several times because he just couldn’t get over how much she resembled his lost sister.  I have to laugh at times when she’s talking non stop (I swear without stopping to breathe) because I can hear you saying “I hope you have a kid one day that talks as much as you do”!  Well you got your wish mom, because she never shuts up.  She hopes to one day be a famous actress.  Now who does that sound like?  She made the cheer squad this year!  I cried when she told me she made it because I was so happy for her.  She has so much more self esteem then I ever did especially at that age!  She’s on the honor roll every semester and she’s in the gifted program.  She defiantly takes after her me-maw. I really wish you would have gotten to meet her!  I know she would have adored you!

The past few months have been extremely hard for me and I wish more then anything that I could pick up the phone and call you up.  I’d give anything to just hear your voice.  The last two weeks alone have been enough for me to wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and wake up in your arms.  I have a very long hard battle ahead of me and I really need you here more then ever.  I am trying to channel your strength to make it through it all, but I’m exhausted.

Rob is doing good.  He’s doing everything he can to help me heal and keep my anxieties down.  He keeps reminding me that right now I need to concentrate on my health and let him worry about everything else.  You would really like him.  He’s a good guy and he loves your baby girl with all his heart.

Sadly Jodi and I are no longer speaking.  Things just couldn’t work out so I cut her loose.  Sometimes you have to let someone go even if you love them.  I wish her well but I can’t have her in my life.  I’m truly sorry for it, I feel as though I have failed you but I gave it my honest all.  She just refuses to meet me in the middle and I can’t worry about her and take care of myself.  To bad you can’t come down and smack her!

This year you got to bring your best friend home with you.  Please tell Linda hi for me, and that I love her and I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.  Tell grandma hi and let her know that Aunt J is doing well!

There’s so much more I’d like to tell you, but there just isn’t enough time to write it all down!  Keep your ears open for me because I’ve been talking to you a lot lately.  I love you so much and I miss you more and more.

“You are my sunshine.. my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are grey.. you’ll never know dear, how much I love you… please don’t take my sunshine away”….

Love forever and always,

Brat!

In memorandum of the greatest mother ever.. Virginia Lee Underwood (aka Ginger Lee) 11.22.1945 to 03.31.2000.

Some more completed Art work.. that are for sale BTW

I’ve been working on a few projects lately.  A friend wanted me to paint her an angel… and omg.. AACCKKK.. I can’t paint people… so I’ve spent over a week drawing and painting and practicing angels.  

 

These are just a few of my attempts… but the time came to put it on canvas.  This is how it ended up looking when I finished it today.

 

I’ve titled this one, going home.  I worked really hard on this one.. and I hope she truly loves it and isn’t just being nice because she’s my friend…

Yesterday a lady I considered a second mother growing up lost her battle to cancer.  I painted this one this morning for her.. it’s titled Saying Goodbye..

 

The only other two I don’t think I’ve posted here are..

 

Julia Roberts in her most Powerful Role yet..

 

 

 

Powerful words that all human’s should hear.. and listen too.

You only miss them when they’re gone…

A few years back I started having these pains in my left shoulder.  They just continued to get worse and worse and after almost 2 years I was finally diagnosed with frozen shoulder.  It’s a horrible thing to live through and I don’t wish it on anyone.  Since the start of this journey I have lost more then 50% of the mobility of my arm.  Here is a link to see what it is http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/frozen-shoulder/basics/definition/con-20022510.  Now this link will tell you that it usually only lasts 1-3 years, but that’s not true in my case.  Of course since I’ve been diagnosed it’s also been figured out that I have a bulging disc in my neck and I have Ulnar nerve damage.

Anyways this posts really isn’t about the actual “Frozen Shoulder”, but more a list of things I miss the most about not having 2 fully functioning arms.  Everyone loves lists, right?

So in no definitive order… here it is..

5)  Being able to do my hair!  Do you know how hard it is to curl or straighten your hair when you can’t get one of you’re hands up to the top of your head!  I seriously have to tilt my head over to the side to try to reach my hair!  It’s quite the site actually.

4) Being able to pick anything up with it.  Seriously, there have been times I can’t even pick up simple things, like a stapler!  I have lost pretty much all muscle in this arm.  I feel like an old lady.

yeah, this is how my arm feels with any weight in my hand.

3) Being able to scratch my back!  Yeah, it’s not happening.  Now I have the claw…

2) Kinky sex.  Yeah I went there.  You can’t get freaky if you can’t not only use your arm but it’s severe pain if you move it in the wrong direction.  No 50 shades of grey for me.. 😦

1)  Putting my bra on the right way.  Just slide it on, reach behind and hook it.  And to take it off you just reach back and unhook and slide it off.. but I can’t do that!  No… alas.. I have to do the hook and twist.  It’s a pain in the ass.

Oh how I wish I could still this!

 

Before anyone suggests it.. I do have front clasps bra’s.. but they are all T Backs.. sometimes you need a bra that doesn’t have a sporty T Back.. ya know what I mean?  LOL

Green with Envy

 

Even though it looks blue, it really is green.

 

~Shan

Weekend Paintings

I’ve been a very busy painter this weekend.. 🙂  Here are my latest..

This one was requested for a birthday gift, so it’s sold.  🙂

This one was actually something else that I hated!  I didn’t want to lose the canvas so I scrubbed it clean and started over.  I’m impressed with it.  🙂  It’s for sale.. BTW.. they are all for sale.

This one is an oil painting.. man I hate painting with oil paints.  I love the colors and depth.. but they are a pain in the but to clean up!!

This one is titled Purple Storm..  I mixed the colors myself on it.  Yeah.. I’m impressed with myself.

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GASP… How dare I show a woman’s nipple/breast on Facebook!

So a couple of days ago I posted a story about a beautiful art project that was done by Jade Beall Titled “A Beautiful Body”.  It’s pictures of women who have had children and show’s their bodies in all their natural glory!  These pictures are beautiful and untouched and I posted the article because I completely stand behind what this artist is trying to do, and guess what Facebook did because I posted this?  THE BLOCKED FROM FACEBOOK FOR 24 HOURS BECAUSE OF THE NUDITY.  The pictures show women’s breast.. GASP.. how dare you display a woman’s breast or nipple in a public forum!

As someone who suffers greatly from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd) I am constantly comparing my body to every other woman I see and frankly, the images that the media puts out there makes this a set up for constant failure and hatred of myself even more.  This woman is out to “heal” the damage that has been done. Here are a few of the pictures that Jade displayed in this project.

 

 

 

 

 

I think these images are pure beauty.  They show the world what most women look like.  They showed me that my tummy looks a lot like the women in this picture.  I loved this so much that I couldn’t wait to share it.  I didn’t realize that Mark Zuckerberg and his entire company are still in the dark ages where it’s completely immoral and poor taste to see a woman’s body.  Well, not body but nipples.  I mean seriously????  How many men post pictures of themselves shirtless in the summer time at the beach or pool side and frankly they have larger cup size boobs then I do!!!  Why is it fair that we are forced to see some fat ugly out shape hairy guy with size D moobs with nips and all but we can’t see a woman’s?  Is it because a woman can breast feed and because milk may come out of them it’s just to taboo?  Is it because they are considered sexual?  Or is it because these women don’t have perfect bodies with flat stomachs and no stretch marks and their boobs aren’t perky and saline filled?  I think that this is just ridiculous that in 2015 we are still having this battle.

So to Facebook I say FU!  Get over you’re 1950’s way of thinking.  THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT A WOMAN’S BODY THAT SHOULD BE VIEWED AS SHAMEFUL AND HAVE TO BE HIDDEN.

If you’d like to check out the entire art project click the link below.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/24/a-beautiful-body-book-project-jade-beall-photos_n_3467178.html

Hippie Tree

Feel a little better today… so I spent the afternoon painting…I need to start writing again.. maybe I’ll get motivated to do that soon.

The Birds

I haven’t been very “creative” this weekend.  I don’t feel well and frankly I’m exhausted.  The manic episode of the last week has finally caught up to me and… well it feels like Spring Allergies are starting even though it’s freaking snow/sleeting outside and nothing is blooming.  Anyways, I managed to finish a painting I started a couple of days ago.

 

This one was a special request for a friend.  She loved it, thank God. 🙂